Iowa Plays F*ck, Marry, Kill With The Republicans. (Spoiler: Jeb Dies)

Sad Jebbers is sadness.

So, what's really going on with the Republicans? Scott Walker -- who ALL THE THINKY HEADS used to say was going to be first runner-up to the presidency (behind Hillary Clinton, obviously), even though we TOLD YOU that was never going to happen -- has gone to live on a farm with Rick Perry, where they are currently sniffing each other's butts and humping each other and sniffing each other's butts some more. Don't worry, they're happy there! And Donald Trump has been all Mr. YOOOOOGE frontrunner, but nipping on his heels have been Ben "ZZZZZZ" Carson and Carly "Fucking Liar" Fiorina. So again, what's really going on?

[contextly_sidebar id="pTiWXhuRxKDZWdK9jKLBpLcLkmkQ1pRm"]

Well, here is a thing that is going on. Public Policy Polling released a new poll of Iowa voters, and there is some news in it, which is best understood in the context of the popular children's Sunday School game "Fuck/Marry/Kill."



PPP's new Iowa poll finds Donald Trump continuing to lead in the state with 24% to 17% for Ben Carson, and 13% for Carly Fiorina.


Trump is doing pretty poorly in head to head match ups in Iowa, and that's something to keep an eye on as more people drop out of the race. ... [H]e trails Carson 60/33, Fiorina 54/36, Rubio 53/38, and he trailed Walker 51/37.

Ohhhh. Iowa Republican wingnut voters be fuckin' Donald Trump. They're grabbing him by the bill of his "Make America Great Again" hat  -- for balance, because they are Olds -- and they are ridin' him HARD. OOH, when he says a mean to a Mexican, that's so hot baby. MMMMMM, say that thing about Megyn Kelly bleeding from her wherevers again, ooh yeah. Build that wall. Build it! YOOOOOOOOOOOGE! And then everybody has an orgasm and dies, because again, they are Iowa Olds, who got all their previous orgasms from the Butter Cow at the Iowa State Fair and are thus not used to such intensity.

[contextly_sidebar id="g1vNoxsMHA7PpsnmTw5uxVgUYwTqXofR"]


That second block quote right there tho'. In a FOR REAL race, between two vaguely human Republican candidates, Trump loses to three of his nearest competitors in overall polling. Which means that, despite what you may have heard (if you have heard this, the person who told you it is A Idiot), primary voters of EITHER party don't vote based solely on who makes them spring wood in their granny panties, but they also consider electability overall. They know Trump ain't gonna be president of nothin', at least on some level. So for right now, they are willing to gay-marry Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina or Marco Rubio, but they'll still be fantasizing about Donald Trump when they perfunctorily sex their winning candidate.


Yeah, notice any names missing up there? Maybe one big failure of a name in particular, maybe somebody whose dad was a bad president and whose brother was a bad president? That's right. Jebbers! In a head to head match up with Trump, he loses harder than Jeb! Bush having an arm-wrestling match with his mother, who hates him. To be exact, Trump has him 51-37. Overall with Iowa voters? That's even MORE sadder. He's cuddling with Mike Huckabee's man meat at 6 percent.

[contextly_sidebar id="pDer1TacERdbsJBOMqZ3qQcy8StQJaTt"]

The other "kill" from this poll, though it's not related to the candidates, is Islam, apparently. Yes, the very same wingnuts who are bitching and moaning about RELIGIOUS FREEDOM!!!!1111!! and all that bullshit ... well, not even 50 percent of them know that OF COURSE Islam should be legal in America because it says so right in the First Amendment they're always blathering about. Meanwhile, 69 percent say President Obama is DEFINITELY "waging a war on Christianity." Yeaaaaaaah, these are fuckin' morons, y'all.

At least Jeb! can say he's more popular than the evil Muslims with Iowa Republican voters, oh wait he can't LOL. The point is that Jeb! Bush is not president of Iowa, or America, and he never will be. But let's be fair: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Ever Going To Be President.

[Public Policy Polling]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc