Iowa Was Surely God's Favorite Damn State Yesterday Because Brave Governor Signed Big Damn Prayer Proclamation


If the Midwest felt especially blessed yesterday, it's no doubt because the entire state of Iowa wasbasking in the smug satisfaction of a "day of prayer, fasting and repentance." Gov. Terry Branstad signed a proclamation back in April designating Monday a special Christian Repentence Day, because he is just like George Washington, and also anyone who thinks the First Amendment prohibits governors from proclaiming special prayer days can go suck balls. People like official prayer, and this is America, where the Constitution is everything, except when some atheist says it means government isn't supposed to host church services.

The proclamation, which Branstad signed on his wife's birthday in April, reads,

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Terry E Branstad, as Governor of the State of Iowa, do hereby invite all Iowans who choose to join in the thoughtful prayer and humble repentance according to II Chronicles 7:14 in favor of our state and nation to come together on July 14, 2014.

Iowa was one of several states participating in something called "Pray 7/14/14," after II Chronicles 7:14, which offers this hopeful but rather nonspecific promise to believers:

[I]f my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

In video from the event, the woman introducing Branstad assured attendees that they were "blessed" to have a governor who has the "courage to fear God more than Man," because apparently any governor who caters to the religious impulses of their constituents is taking a huge risk, probably from those who might openly say mean things. Branstad and Lt. Gov. Kim Reynold both spoke at the event; Branstad said that in his office, he has a painting of George Washington on kneeling in prayer (though presumably not in his Masonic attire), as well as another painting of Abraham Lincoln praying. Lt. Gov Reynold congratulated the crowd for “standing up for our rights, and for individual liberties.” The blandly Christian prayers carefully invoked God without getting excessively sectarian, and were accompanied by the sort of tuneless keyboard noodling that seems mandatory during Fundagelical services.

Neither Branstad nor Reynold appears to own a Bible which contains Matthew 6:5, in which Jesus exhorts his followers to avoid making a show of praying in public "like the hypocrites." Or maybe they were just busy on June 5.

To make sure people remembered the "7:14" bible verse, sponsors began the event at 7:14 a.m. and ended it at 7:14 p.m., and also urged attendees to set their cell phone alarms to 7:14 every morning and evening to remind them to pray that America will be forgiven for its sins -- which remained unspecified. Incidentally, the Bible also contains multiple warnings to the faithful that they must shun such pagan practices as Numerology.

We suppose we should just be glad that the God-botherers aren't planning a comprehensive genocide of unbelievers for next week, based on Deuteronomy 7:23-24:

But the Lord thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed.

And he shall deliver their kings into thine hand, and thou shalt destroy their name from under heaven: there shall no man be able to stand before thee, until thou have destroyed them.

Stay blessed, kids.

[Des Moines Register via RawStory]

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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Robbin Young. Fair use so we can all see the boob picture she sent to her 12 true loves.

Robbin Young starred in the Roger Moore masterpiece For Your Eyes Only as the seventh female lead, "Girl in Flower Shop." She also starred in a bunch of Playboys, and the DM's of a humble Romanian hacker who stole her heart. But he was not a humble Romanian hacker, he was 12 Russian military intelligence officers in a trench coat. And now Young has shared those DMs and pictures of her buzzies with the Sun, because that's the one that's fookin' classy.

See how she loved! See how Guccifer ghosted her ass! See how she loves him (them) still! See how she was all up in Seth Rich and shit! (We think Young's judgment might not be awesome.) Also she wrote this "erotic poem," and we're going to need you to read it.

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And now it is time for your weekly reminder that in the Trump era, FUCKING APESHIT OUTRAGE WORKS.

On Monday, Donald Trump, the transactional president who for some godforsaken reason sees Vladimir Putin has his one true father, discussed making an Art Of The Deal with Russia that involved letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian spies who hacked America in 2016 (with Russian supervision, of course, in Russia) in exchange for sending Putin whichever American citizens hurt Putin's poor fragile butthurt pansy-ass feelings the past several years. One of Putin's targets is Michael McFaul, the former ambassador to Russia, whom Putin just hates. Hillary Clinton isn't on the official list yet, but give it a few weeks.

On Wednesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at reporters and told them Trump's people were considering the idea, but hadn't decided yet, because it's so hard for the Trump administration to decide how many treasons to do per week.

But hooray! The White House has decided that, after literally every American with a patriotic bone in his or her body said, "THE FUCK YOU SAY," they will not send Americans to Putin's gulag after all. The Washington Post reports:

The White House announced Trump's opposition Thursday as the Senate prepared to vote on a resolution telling the president not to honor Putin's request, which would have exposed former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul, among others, to Russian questioning.

"It is a proposal that was made in sincerity by President Putin, but President Trump disagrees with it," White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement.

Oh my fucking Lord, Shuckabee, did you really type that Putin's offer was "sincere," or did Donald grab the statement after you finished with it and add those words in illiterate Sharpie in the margins, along with "DOES NOT MEAN PUTIN IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND" and "NO COLLUSION"?

By the way, that resolution passed the Senate with flying colors:

WOMP WOMP, Trump! Sorry American freedom and democracy stepped all over your dick again! Guarantee it's gonna happen again! Go fuck yourself! Enjoy the 48 Big Macs you have for dinner tonight! Don't talk directly into the soccer ball Putin gave you, 'less you want it to talk back to you in Russian!

OK post over.

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[Washington Post]

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