All those missile sales finally paid off!

[contextly_sidebar id="rNGzSexYqq6vTTrHaX8l9aoffO9mPeGd"]Iran has released four Americans who were being imprisoned in the Islamic Republic, and boy oh boy are Republicans ever pissed off about it! It's almost as bad as that time last week when Iran killed quickly released those U.S. sailors. While the deal coincides with the scheduled end of sanctions against Iran in the international nuclear deal, the State Department is apparently holding off an official announcement until the prisoners actually leave Iran, but according to Reuters:

Iranian media reported that four Iranian-Americans held in Iran had been released and seven Iranian-Americans held in the United States would also be freed under the prisoner swap. U.S. State Department officials declined immediate comment.

Hooray, we got our people back, and it's freedom day! Take down the yellow ribbon from the old oak tree and congratulate Barack Obama and John Kerry on a job well done, right? Tell us more, HuffPo!

"Our citizens have not yet been flown out of Iran, so we don’t want to do anything that could complicate it," a senior administration official said Saturday. "But we are told the deal is done, that they will be let out."

As part of the exchange, the U.S. will release seven Iranians who were being held in the country on sanctions violations. All were born in Iran, but six are dual Iranian-American citizens. The seven men all have the option to remain in the U.S.

The deal will bring home four Americans who have been imprisoned in Iran for years on trumped up charges, or in some cases no charges at all: Washington Post Tehran correspondent Jason Rezaian, former U.S. Marine Amir Hekmati, Christian pastor Saeed Abedini, and Nosratollah Khosrawi-Roodsari. The imprisonment of Khosrawi-Roodsari has never been previously reported.

CNN also reports that, separate from the formal swap, a fifth American, Matthew Trevithick, is being released as well; Trevithick is a student who was recently detained for some reason. TV reports indicate that Trevithick will be returning on the same flight as the other four Americans.

Let's see how happy the commenters at Breitbart are at the glad tidings (the news was posted without comment -- so far -- by the editors). Seeing how they bitched endlessly that the American prisoners weren't included in the Iran nuclear deal, they should be delighted that these suffering Americans are coming home:

Well there you go! It's a terrible deal and we should have left these folks in Iranian prisons until we could bomb them out. But surely the serious Republicans will recognize that the most important thing is that Our People are coming home? Marco Rubio is one of the "moderate" ones; he must have a reasonable take on this?

[contextly_sidebar id="mU87a9ZNx3GlCvTKQk1Xstlp2t3N57JX"]Ah, got it! They never should have been taken prisoner at all (true) so their release doesn't really count for anything. Except, you know, they actually were in Iranian prisons, which are not nice places. And Obama, that weakling, got them out, probably by telling Iran it can have Israel next week. Also, let's drag in Bowe Bergdahl one more time. It's only a matter of time until the rightwing noise machine finds out some character flaw that means at least one or two of the Americans should have been left behind.

Chris Christie is pretty angry at the return of the Americans as well, explaining in Iowa that

We shouldn’t have to swap prisoners. These folks were taken illegally in violation of international law and they should have been released without condition. But you know, the Iranians have treated this president with disrespect for years and he continues to take it. I would not take it as president.

Christie also speculated that the Americans had been released in exchange for "more terrorists from Guantanamo" (they weren't) and added, "I don't think this is a smart move at all, I think the only thing the Iranians have eve respected is strength, and that's what we should be showing." Maybe we should send them back so we can bust them out with the Delta Force.

Also displeased: U.S. Senator Tom Cotton, who won Wonkette's coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year for 2015 for his efforts to make up his very own foreign policy. He is disgusted by Barack Obama's huge failure:

[contextly_sidebar id="xW3HDQN8yVvdujvmjvQWg6hPtHP8WmTF"]The price is that we got four Americans out of prison in exchange for some people who violated trade sanctions. You know, like Ronald Reagan or Carly Fiorina.

Not surprisingly, Donald Trump, whose manly toughness is almost certainly the real reason Iran released the prisoners, condemned the deal as well:

“They’re getting seven people, so essentially they get $150bn plus seven, and we get four,” the billionaire said.

“I’m happy they’re coming back, but I will tell you it’s a disgrace they’ve been there so long,” he continued.

Just in case anyone cares about facts (ha ha, we amuse ourselves), America is not cutting a check to Iran. Iran's assets in U.S. and European banks are being unfrozen. Yeah, whatever, it's blood money and we should be dropping more bombs.

Rightwing shitweasel and Free Beacon writer Noah Pollak explained that Obama actually made the prisoners suffer in Iran extra long, because that's simply the kind of bastard Obama is:

Don't worry. Your editrix has asked me to let it be known she already took care of that smarmy pile of shit, as it is her job.

Rand Paul, in one of those moments of lucidity that precedes some new damn craziness, actually praised the release of the prisoners and said it was proof that diplomacy works.

"It was done, I think, because even though Iran is a country with very limited freedom, we were willing to negotiate," Paul said. "It goes to temperament. All the other Republicans are telling you -- rip up that agreement. I say, 'Really? Don't we want to see if it works first?’"

Don't worry, give him another five minutes and he'll remind us that the Civil Rights Act was a bad idea.

And finally, just to prove that satire IS impossible, this fucking thing popped up while we were typing our last couple paragraphs:

[Reuters / CNN / HuffPo / Guardian]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc