All those missile sales finally paid off!

[contextly_sidebar id="rNGzSexYqq6vTTrHaX8l9aoffO9mPeGd"]Iran has released four Americans who were being imprisoned in the Islamic Republic, and boy oh boy are Republicans ever pissed off about it! It's almost as bad as that time last week when Iran killed quickly released those U.S. sailors. While the deal coincides with the scheduled end of sanctions against Iran in the international nuclear deal, the State Department is apparently holding off an official announcement until the prisoners actually leave Iran, but according to Reuters:

Iranian media reported that four Iranian-Americans held in Iran had been released and seven Iranian-Americans held in the United States would also be freed under the prisoner swap. U.S. State Department officials declined immediate comment.

Hooray, we got our people back, and it's freedom day! Take down the yellow ribbon from the old oak tree and congratulate Barack Obama and John Kerry on a job well done, right? Tell us more, HuffPo!

"Our citizens have not yet been flown out of Iran, so we don’t want to do anything that could complicate it," a senior administration official said Saturday. "But we are told the deal is done, that they will be let out."

As part of the exchange, the U.S. will release seven Iranians who were being held in the country on sanctions violations. All were born in Iran, but six are dual Iranian-American citizens. The seven men all have the option to remain in the U.S.

The deal will bring home four Americans who have been imprisoned in Iran for years on trumped up charges, or in some cases no charges at all: Washington Post Tehran correspondent Jason Rezaian, former U.S. Marine Amir Hekmati, Christian pastor Saeed Abedini, and Nosratollah Khosrawi-Roodsari. The imprisonment of Khosrawi-Roodsari has never been previously reported.

CNN also reports that, separate from the formal swap, a fifth American, Matthew Trevithick, is being released as well; Trevithick is a student who was recently detained for some reason. TV reports indicate that Trevithick will be returning on the same flight as the other four Americans.

Let's see how happy the commenters at Breitbart are at the glad tidings (the news was posted without comment -- so far -- by the editors). Seeing how they bitched endlessly that the American prisoners weren't included in the Iran nuclear deal, they should be delighted that these suffering Americans are coming home:

Well there you go! It's a terrible deal and we should have left these folks in Iranian prisons until we could bomb them out. But surely the serious Republicans will recognize that the most important thing is that Our People are coming home? Marco Rubio is one of the "moderate" ones; he must have a reasonable take on this?

[contextly_sidebar id="mU87a9ZNx3GlCvTKQk1Xstlp2t3N57JX"]Ah, got it! They never should have been taken prisoner at all (true) so their release doesn't really count for anything. Except, you know, they actually were in Iranian prisons, which are not nice places. And Obama, that weakling, got them out, probably by telling Iran it can have Israel next week. Also, let's drag in Bowe Bergdahl one more time. It's only a matter of time until the rightwing noise machine finds out some character flaw that means at least one or two of the Americans should have been left behind.

Chris Christie is pretty angry at the return of the Americans as well, explaining in Iowa that

We shouldn’t have to swap prisoners. These folks were taken illegally in violation of international law and they should have been released without condition. But you know, the Iranians have treated this president with disrespect for years and he continues to take it. I would not take it as president.

Christie also speculated that the Americans had been released in exchange for "more terrorists from Guantanamo" (they weren't) and added, "I don't think this is a smart move at all, I think the only thing the Iranians have eve respected is strength, and that's what we should be showing." Maybe we should send them back so we can bust them out with the Delta Force.

Also displeased: U.S. Senator Tom Cotton, who won Wonkette's coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year for 2015 for his efforts to make up his very own foreign policy. He is disgusted by Barack Obama's huge failure:

[contextly_sidebar id="xW3HDQN8yVvdujvmjvQWg6hPtHP8WmTF"]The price is that we got four Americans out of prison in exchange for some people who violated trade sanctions. You know, like Ronald Reagan or Carly Fiorina.

Not surprisingly, Donald Trump, whose manly toughness is almost certainly the real reason Iran released the prisoners, condemned the deal as well:

“They’re getting seven people, so essentially they get $150bn plus seven, and we get four,” the billionaire said.

“I’m happy they’re coming back, but I will tell you it’s a disgrace they’ve been there so long,” he continued.

Just in case anyone cares about facts (ha ha, we amuse ourselves), America is not cutting a check to Iran. Iran's assets in U.S. and European banks are being unfrozen. Yeah, whatever, it's blood money and we should be dropping more bombs.

Rightwing shitweasel and Free Beacon writer Noah Pollak explained that Obama actually made the prisoners suffer in Iran extra long, because that's simply the kind of bastard Obama is:

Don't worry. Your editrix has asked me to let it be known she already took care of that smarmy pile of shit, as it is her job.

Rand Paul, in one of those moments of lucidity that precedes some new damn craziness, actually praised the release of the prisoners and said it was proof that diplomacy works.

"It was done, I think, because even though Iran is a country with very limited freedom, we were willing to negotiate," Paul said. "It goes to temperament. All the other Republicans are telling you -- rip up that agreement. I say, 'Really? Don't we want to see if it works first?’"

Don't worry, give him another five minutes and he'll remind us that the Civil Rights Act was a bad idea.

And finally, just to prove that satire IS impossible, this fucking thing popped up while we were typing our last couple paragraphs:

[Reuters / CNN / HuffPo / Guardian]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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