It's Obama Vs. Ron Paul ... On MySpace

MySpace is a wonderful social networking phenomenon in which millions of retarded people regular Americans have their own atrocious blinking-ad-covered websites, each visually horrific "home page" bleating out some awful pop music and tagged with the illiterate gibberish comments (or cut-and-pasted rap lyrics) and half-naked cam-phone pictures of America's fattest teens. It's a place where born-again illiterate Jesus freaks, tattooed and pierced illiterate suburban kids, fake gangsta illiterate urban youth, orange-skinned horse-faced illiterate high-school dropout gals who aspire to celebrity sluthood or a career in the Army, violent illiterate psychopathic "Juggalos" and a bedeviled minority of depressed semi-literate goth & emo teens in the Midwest all come together to show us what the United States will be like once the current crop of old people dies off.

Obviously, the 2008 election will be decided by the number of MySpace "friends" each candidate can collect. We've got the numbers, after the jump.

If you like "populism," which the Founding Fathers described as rule by the idiot mob, then you probably love MySpace. It is more popular than all the Blogger sites combined, plus all the Live Journal, Diaryland, WordPress and Movable Type sites combined. It's the Number Three website in the country, topped in traffic only by Yahoo and Google. (The biggest individual blog in the country, the Drudge Report, is Number Eighty-Four on that list.)

Most of the 2008 Dem candidates have official MySpace pages -- hey, it's free! -- even though all the primary-voter action takes place on political blogs. None of the Republicans have official MySpace pages, though several have unofficial pages where friendhood can be gauged.

But by the time November 2008 comes around, it's entirely possible that every single American will have a MySpace page and will be able to vote for president online by clicking the dancing Santa Claus zwinkie on the refinance/free ring tones/ Friend Finder ad. Or maybe whoever has the most "friends" becomes president, which would be more legitimate than whatever the hell happened in 2000.

At the moment, Barry Hussein Obama is winning the Democrat Friends War, with 42,709 so-called friends. Hillary has half that many, while Wesley Clark (WTF?) has more than 14,000 cybersex buddies. Al Gore is in Kucinich territory with just 1,336 pals.

On the Republican side, libertarian Ron Paul is at 2,485. Supposed frontrunners Crazy McWalnuts! and Rudy McHomosexual have about half that many. This proves that Republicans are either a) too old to ever figure out the computer or b) all on FreeRepublic and Little Green Footballs protecting America's precious freedoms from gay Mexicans in burqas.

If MySpace Friends Determined Elections [Politics.Wikia]


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