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That Time Masterchef Mark Zuckerberg Used A 'Laser Gun' To Kill A Goat For @Jack

Culture

In what's probably the most perfect example of Silicon Valley's detachment from reality, Rolling Stone sat down with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey for an interview where @Jack waxes philosophical about Twitter's Nazi problem, and being a punk as fuck fashionista. Dorsey also recalls a dinner he once shared with Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg where he was served an uncooked goat that Zuckerberg may have killed with a "laser gun."


According to @Jack, Twitter's Nazi problem isn't as bad as you'd think. He sees Twitter as a "public square." He would know since he just spent an hour and a half in Washington Square Park daydreaming and watching people sell weed. He thinks the community should police itself with Twitter's "report" button. The way he sees it, if someone were really spewing Nazi propaganda the community would tell them to stop harshing the mellow vibes. Call it the "Broken Bongs" theory of community policing: When unchill bros start blowing up your spot, the community should go get an adult. Or something. You know what I mean? Right! Per Rolling Stone:

The park itself is completely neutral to whatever happens on top of it. But if you stop there, you don't realize what I believe the park actually is. It does come with certain expectations of freedom of expression, but everyone is watching one another. So if someone gets up on a little soapbox, with a megaphone, and starts yelling, a crowd comes around them and listens. That person can also yell across the park and say, “Hey, you idiot, yeah, you, I'm talking to you, come over here." Then it's really harassing behavior and people notice that, and they're like, “Hey, man, don't do that. Stop." And then there's the park police as well, who maintain the standard of decency within the park.

Never mind that Twitter is the police in this dumbass analogy, and, just like the real police, they don't give a shit about Nazis. Twitter's biggest problem right now isn't Nazis and fundamentalist crackpots anyway, it's misinformation. @Jack isn't exactly sure how the hell Twitter stops someone from using the platform to peddle lies and bullshit, or stop the river of hate speech. Nor does he think it's his job.

We can't be arbiters of truth. I think that would be dangerous for anyone to want us to be. So what can we do? What we're deciding to do is [focus on] misleading information, which intends to lead someone in a particular direction, intends them to take a particular action.

Really! What DO you do when some powerful person or organization deliberately pushes a false narrative for political purposes? Please, @Jack, tell us how you would solve the problem (if you weren't a feckless weenie)?

An interesting case study is the Sarah Sanders video that may have been doctored to increase the severity of whatever Jim Acosta did. It speaks to where all these technologies are going. It's so easy, potentially, to create alternative narratives. The question we're now asking ourselves is, if that is indeed misleading, how do we stop its spread? We can amplify the counter-narrative. We do have a curation team that looks to find balance. A lot of times when our president tweets, a Moment occurs, and we show completely different perspectives. So a lot of times, people don't just see that tweet.

Yes, it's SO HARD to determine if something is a lie! You know the weather service says it feels like 0°F in Chicago; obviously that means global warming is a myth -- not that it's winter in Chiberia -- and we shouldn't feel guilty about using YUGE coal-powered refineries to make jumbo cans of hairspray. CHECKMATE, LIBS!

The misinformation problem on Twitter is so bad that we don't even know who @Jack is! Sure, he's the CEO of two multibillion dollar tech companies (the other is mobile-payment company Square), but did you know that he's also a punk-as-fuck #hacker who studied massage therapy and botanical illustration, and once pursued a career in fashion designer? It's true! He might look like an old fogey with his nose ring and scruffy beard, but @Jack used to dye his hair and party with Green Day at Gilman! Once he even wore sandals to a meeting at Goldman Sachs so those suits would know he's a #rebel. Dottie.

@JACK looking punk A.F. 🤘 - JACK DORSEY/INSTAGRAM media1.fdncms.com

However, that was the young @Jack; the new and improved 42-year-old @Jack is a seasoned adult who has fancy dinners with people like Mark Zuckerberg where they try to see who's the bigger sociopath. And that's where we get to ... whatever this is.

Rolling Stone: What was your most memorable encounter with Zuckerberg?

@JACK: There was a year when he was only eating what he was killing. He made goat for me for dinner. He killed the goat.

Rolling Stone
: In front of you?

@JACK
: No. He killed it before. I guess he kills it. He kills it with a laser gun and then the knife. Then they send it to the butcher .

Rolling Stone: A . . . laser gun?

@JACK: I don't know. A stun gun. They stun it, and then he knifed it. Then they send it to a butcher. Evidently in Palo Alto there's a rule or regulation that you can have six livestock on any lot of land, so he had six goats at the time. I go, "We're eating the goat you killed?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Have you eaten goat before?" He's like, "Yeah, I love it." I'm like, "What else are we having?" "Salad." I said, "Where is the goat?" "It's in the oven." Then we waited for about 30 minutes. He's like, "I think it's done now." We go in the dining room. He puts the goat down. It was cold. That was memorable. I don't know if it went back in the oven. I just ate my salad.

OF COURSE Silicon Valley's super rich slaughter their own animals with technology! They're not gods (yet), and they have to harvest souls somehow! Besides, Elon Musk has his space cars and a flame thrower, Peter Thiel has his blood boys and evil spy machine, why shouldn't @JACK break every unwritten rule in the punk community by defending his billion dollar safe space for Nazi punks?

[Rolling Stone]

Wonkette is punk-as-fuck, or we used to be. We're kind of old now.

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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