Before American voters kick them all the way to the curb, House GOP dipshits are taking one final shot at James Comey. Sentient persons will remember the former FBI Director torpedoing Hillary Clinton's campaign by shouting "BUT HER EMAILS" for the entirety of October of 2016. But the House Mensa Caucus knows that was all a part of his dastardly plan to hurt Donald Trump, because the FBI was totes #InTheTank for Hillary.

If you think about it for a while ... you'll go insane. But that won't stop House Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Even Your Kid Hates You) from subpoenaing Comey to testify this week. Republicans want one last shot at smearing shit on him before handing the gavel back to Democrats in January. Carpe diem!

Comey responded with a Hail Mary pass of sorts, filing a Motion to Quash the subpoena in DC District Court, reminding the committee members that he'd agreed to testify PUBLICLY in October, but a closed door session with those sleazy leakers was right out of the question.

To which outgoing South Carolina ratfucker Trey Gowdy chuckled, "Heh heh, yep! You sure got our number, Johnny Law." More or less.

Rep. Gowdy wants James Comey's deposition taped and made public

You know, Margaret, I don't get to say this very often, but I do think Jim Comey is right. Leaks are counterproductive, whether Jim Comey's doing it, whether the FBI's doing it, or whether Congress is doing it.

Goodlatte and his henchmen insist that they're just trying to avoid a "circus." Clutch the pearls, how can Mr. Comey possibly object to a private hearing where everyone swears to keep quiet about it but GOP members immediately run to Fox and suggest that the FBI Director perjured himself?

Try as he might, Mr. Comey may not condition his cooperation with a congressional investigation on the presence of television cameras. No other witness involved in this investigation has made such a grandiose demand, and this Court should not countenance Mr. Comey's temerity in attempting to dictate the terms on which he will deign to comply with his constitutional obligations.

And in a rational country, judges shouldn't be able to tell legislators how to do their jobs. Which is basically what US District Judge Trevor N. McFadden told the parties at a hearing on Friday. Unfortunately we no longer live in a rational country, thanks to James Comey throwing the damn election and saddling us with Orange Foolius. McFadden might have allowed the case to drag on through the end of the session, but when he announced his intention to rule Monday (today), Comey knew he'd lost.

Over the weekend, Comey and the Judiciary Committee agreed that the hearing will be closed, but a transcript will be provided to the witness within 24 hours. Comey will be free to discuss and publish it as he sees fit.

Then Comey withdrew his complaint, and House Republicans rescheduled the hearing for Friday. So they'll be able to spend the entire weekend shit talking with Hannity and the boys before handing over the transcript the following Monday. SUBTLE.

And they wonder why they lost the House.

[Motion to Quash / Congressional Response]

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

You liking these lawsplainers? Please click here to fund 'em!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc