Jeb Bush's Mother Disappointed But Not Surprised Son Is Drug-Smoking Loser

Fun at parties.

At the end of the debate Wednesday night, all the candidates were asking their moms' permission if they could PLEASE go do something together afterward, PLEASE? Donald Trump said everybody could crash at his house, and Marco Rubio and Chris Christie were like "Badass!" and high-fived each other, and Ted Cruz got a barely concealed erection and secretly hoped maybe he could "accidentally" fall asleep in Donald's bed. Not everybody was invited. Mike Huckabee was not invited, because everyone hates him.

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But Jeb! Bush's mom said he could not go play at Donald's house.

"I heard what you said on that stage," she said. "You did drugs, and you admitted it to MILLIONS of people. I have NEVER! been more disappointed in my life. Though I'm not surprised, as you've never really impressed me."

It's true. We all heard it:

So, 40 years ago, I smoked marijuana. And I admit it. I'm sure the other people might have done it, and might not want to say it in front of 25 million people. My mom's not happy that I just did.

"But Rand Paul made me say it," Jeb protested, and it was true, Rand Paul DID put him on the spot. His mother scoffed and shifted her weight to the other heel, releasing one of her trademark Barbara Bush SBD farts. Thousands of miles away in Texas, Dubya started to giggle, but he didn't know why at first. "Hey, Laura, I'm a-gigglin' and I dunno why!" said Dubya. "Think Mama pooted somewhere?"

Jeb! wanted to laugh, but his mother's glare stopped him.

"But Miss Carly said the stuff I did was no big deal, you heard it, Mom!" And it was true, Carly Fiorina did manage to lob a whiplash-inducing zinger at Jeb! right after she told the story of how she and her husband had to bury her step-daughter, lost to drug addiction.

"I don't care what Miss Carly said! If Miss Carly jumped off a bridge, would you?"

"Maybe!" said Jeb, thinking if he jumped off a bridge with Carly Fiorina, they could go to a Special Secret America where they were winning in the polls and Donald Trump was dead.

"Mr. Trump's finally bein' nice to me, Mom, please?" Jeb started crying.

"He only wants you around for your drugs, probably hand-picked by your wife's family in Mexico because they all do drugs and rapes and murders, haven't you been listening to Trump?"

"Mama, you always said you accepted Columba!" Jeb's tears were now streaming down his face. "And besides, I like Hispanics like my wife and children. To me, Hispanic culture is very important and positive."

With nothing to lose, he tried one last thing:

"THIS IS NOT FAIR!" he blubbered. "George snorted SO MUCH COKE! He's a fucking alcoholic who drove cars into trees! He called in drunk to his National Guard service! He ruined three countries THAT WE KNOW OF!"

"You could ruin countries if you were electable," said Barbara, revealing as she always did her favoritism for George over Jeb. And for Neil over Jeb. And for Billy Bush, the "Access Hollywood" cousin one who never comes to Kennebunkport, he was always such a nice boy. Anyway, the point is that Barbara hates Jeb.

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Content that she had communicated her feelings adequately, as she had done so many timesin the past, she told Jeb! she would send the servants out to verify that he was sleeping in the kennel in the backyard, AKA "his room," by midnight, and that if he wasn't, well, you really don't want to see what will happen if you disobey, do you, son?



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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