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Why does every story in 2019 involve Roger Stone? He's like cilantro -- they put him in everything! Look, now he's a character in Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos's divorce saga!

BUT FOR WHYYYYYYYY????

Well, someone gave Bezos's personal texts with his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez to The National Enquirer. And Roger Stone, who is pals with Sanchez's brother Michael, says it sure as hell wasn't him. The Daily Beast reports:

Stone confirmed his association with Sanchez in text messages with The Daily Beast on Wednesday evening. "I do know Michael Sanchez—very good guy," he wrote. Stone proceeded to deny that he hacked Bezos' phone. When The Daily Beast pointed out that it had never suggested or asked if he had, Stone replied, "You are busted. You are not a journalist. No one believes anything you write."

We love how they always tell The Daily Beast and other reporters that they're BUSTED!, which is just a really cool thing to say here in 1994.

In case you missed the back story -- because reading about other people's marriages is gross and squicky, and really, who has the bandwidth right now? -- Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie are getting divorced. He was having an affair with former Los Angeles newscaster Lauren Sanchez, and his embarrassingly sincere texts were leaked to The National Enquirer. Do you want to read one consenting adult tell another, "I want to tuck you in slowly?" We do not.


But read we must, because this Daily Beast story is the weirdest thing all year. Bezos's security team is doggedly trying to track down the Enquirer's source, saying "strong leads point to political motives." Which isn't a crazy leap, since Donald Trump has been in a flame war with Bezos, who owns The Washington Post, over the paper's coverage of his bumblefuck administration. Trump directed the US Postal Service to figure out a way to charge Amazon more for shipping, because we live in a banana fucking republic now.

(Spoiler alert: Nope.)

Lest we forget, David Pecker, the CEO of National Enquirer parent company American Media, Inc., just admitted to a decades-long scheme to "catch and kill" stories about Donald Trump. And according to CNN, the original version of the Enquirer story had editor Dylan Howard on the byline. The current version credits only "National ENQUIRER Staff." Pecker and Howard have both flipped in the SDNY investigation into Michael Cohen's illegal campaign contributions, acknowledging their role in buying up Playboy playmate Karen McDougal's story to protect Donald Trump during the 2016 campaign. So it's not a great stretch to imagine that the magazine is up to its old tricks, sliming Trump's enemies to help him out. At least they didn't accuse Jeff Bezos's father of killing Kennedy, right?

Bezos's personal security consultant, Gavin de Becker, confirms to The Daily Beast that Michael Sanchez is "among the people we've been speaking with and looking at." Sanchez, a gay Hispanic Trump supporter and raging asshole, has some strange friends.

According to documents reviewed by The Daily Beast, Stone and Sanchez were in touch about the National Enquirer story in the days after it ran—and in the days before Stone was arrested by the FBI and charged with seven criminal counts related to the federal investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election.

You up to speed? Good, because now it's time to bring Carter Page into this story.

Those documents show that Sanchez was also in contact with another figure caught up in the Russia investigations, former Trump campaign foreign policy adviser Carter Page.

Page told The Daily Beast that he and Sanchez have a personal and professional relationship. "Michael is a friend and his agency, Axis Management, has represented me in the past," he said in a text message. Page also said that Sanchez had "arranged my appearance at Politicon in L.A. last October." Page declined to go into further detail when asked about the last time that he spoke to Sanchez.

Sanchez is also connected to former Fox News loon Scottie Nell Hughes, who was fired after claiming she was sexually assaulted by fellow Fox nutjob Charles Payne, and who now works for RT. Yes, the Russian state media RT. Because, shit, why not, right? Hughes's emails with Payne also wound up in an AMI publication somehow.

Oh, 2019, you magnificent bastard!

And now your Wonkette is DONE with these vile, trashy people. (We will eat those words by next Tuesday.)

You all may speculate in the comments how these various losers fit together. Who tapped whose wires, whose implants are rubbing up on whose Nixon tattoo, whether Carter Page will wind up as Jeff Bezos's brother-in-law, which Sanchez is dirtiest, and who needs to go directly to jail. (Obviously, it is AOT,K!)

Enjoy your cilantro ice cream, suckers!

[Daily Beast / National Enquirer]

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