Jerry Falwell Demands FBI Prosecute 'Coup' Plotters For Criminal Conspiracy To Talk Shit About Him

Oh, noes! Is someone doing the RICO to poor Jerry Falwell Jr.? Quick, call in the FBI, the CIA, the National Guard and the army of handsome pool boys and personal trainers that the Falwells surround themselves with for some reason. The president of Liberty University will not stand for scurrilous accusations that he runs the school like a private fiefdom where self-dealing is rampant. There never was any picture of Jerry's wife Becki in a French maid costume, dammit, and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous of Jerry's Amazing Wondercock that he absolutely never brags about to his colleagues. That's why the FBI is totally going to investigate this "attempted coup" against the laws of God and Jerry. Because in Lynchburg, Virginia, those are one and the same.

The Hill was first to get Falwell on the phone for his announcement that the FBI is ON THE CASE, ready to round up all the conspirators to put them on trial for crimes against God's True Servant. This is an attempt to oust him as Liberty's president, which is, no doubt, top of the FBI's list.

"Our attorneys have determined that this small group of former board members and employees, they're involved in a criminal conspiracy, are working together to steal Liberty property in the form of emails and provided them to reporters," Falwell raged to The Hill.

Then he moved on to the AP, where he derided Politico reporter Brandon Ambrosino as a "little boy" and said, "I'm not going to dignify the lies that were reported yesterday with a response, but I am going to the authorities and I am going to civil court." Let the record reflect that this is not a denial of any particular detail from Ambrosino's story.

"Liberty owns every single one of those emails. It's our property. They were working for us when they used our server. And our policies make it clear every email sent on our server is owned by Liberty and if anybody shares it with anybody outside Liberty, it is theft. And so that's the underlying crime," fumed Falwell, the titular head of Liberty University Law School, whose staff are doubtless impressed with this argument.

SURELY Falwell must be talking about hacking or, you know, theft? No. He is being exceedingly clear that any email composed on Liberty's servers belongs to Liberty and not the people sending or receiving them. And violation of "our policies" might form the basis of a suit for breach of contract, but it's definitely not a crime. That's "totally insane," as cyberlaw expert Nick Akerman pointed out to the AP, since these aren't trade secrets, and the employees didn't access them by hacking into their own email accounts.

Falwell also promises to sue these evil "conspirators" to death for the many RICOs against him, telling the AP that he hired "the meanest lawyer in New York." By which we assume he means A JOO, or possibly David Boies.

But it's not all whining like a common President Pussy Ass Bitch. Let's give Jerry Falwell some credit -- when you've been accused of multiple instances of financial malfeasance and dereliction of fiduciary duty, inviting the FBI in to check out your books is a baller move. HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT JERRY FALWELL'S GIANT DICK AND BALLS? DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME PHOTOS?

Yeah, hardest of passes. But speaking of photos, remember how Falwell told Ambrosino that the images of him and his family drinking and engaging in satanic mixed dancing at that Miami night club must have been "photo-shopped" because "there was no picture snapped of me at Wall nightclub or any other nightclub"? And then he added, ""I'm sure you already knew that though," which was a nice touch.

"My integrity is everything in this business," owner of the photography company World Red Eye Seth Browarnik told Ambrosino. Which is why he went back through his archive and discovered several more pictures of Jerry Falwell and his family getting jiggy on the dance floor in ways that would result in disciplinary procedures for students at his university. And by the by, they only got caught because Trey Falwell, Jerry's son and heir, whose businesses net tens of thousands of dollars from Liberty every year, GAVE THE PHOTOGRAPHER HIS NAME. Truly, that boy has a dizzying intellect.

Well, this has been an interesting lesson in How To Law Good And Such Like. We've all learned a valuable lesson today, and it is that God's anointed representatives on earth are not to be trifled with. Amen.

Just kidding. But seriously, don't fuck with the photographer, dude. Just don't.

[The Hill / AP / Politico]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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