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Jesse Jackson Jr. Pleads Guilty To Purchasing Awesome Things

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Today at Wonkette, we are thankful. We are thankful that we are not politicians and cannot get in the level of trouble Mr. Jesse Jackson Jr. got himself into, what with the getting arrested, having to resign his seat, and having to plead guilty today to a felony count of conspiracy. But today at Wonkette, we are also so jealous, you guys, because if we WERE Jesse Jackson Jr., we could have stolen money and purchased thegreatest amount of self-indulgent things ever:


Former Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.) pleaded guilty in a federal courtroom Wednesday morning to using campaign funds to purchase an array of personal items including Bruce Lee memorabilia, a $43,000 Rolex watch and a mink cashmere cape.

Yr Wonkette would love to be rolling around in a pile of money, wrapped in the warm embrace of mink, staring at our Rolex that costs three times as much as a car. But wait! There's even MORE stealsies:

Items paid with a campaign credit card included more than $4,000 on a cruise and $243 at a Build-a-Bear workshop.

“Records from Best Buy reveal that defendant purchased multiple flat-screen televisions, multiple Blu-Ray DVD players, numerous DVD’s for his Washington, D.C. home,” the records state.

We would totally go down in flames to get ourselves a cruise and cover every square inch of our house with flatscreens. We definitely would not risk prison time for a Build-A-Bear, because those things are terrifying.

Jackson is likely looking at roughly 4-6 years in prison for his purchasing spree, along with having to pay a fine and give back the stuff he stoled. But he will always have his memories of that cruise, and maybe if he is lucky he can keep the Build-A-Bear and cuddle it while he is in prison.

[Chicago Tribune/HuffPo]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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