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FACT: The Supreme Court only has authority to issue decisions conservatives like. Creating a brand-new-out-of-thin-air law that one can simply say the magic words "sincerely held religious beliefs" to deny healthcare to employees, for example. That's kosher. Gutting the Voting Rights Act, because we've done quite enough already for Colored-Americans, is also dandy. Permitting the nation's obscenely rich dudes to purchase politicians and call it "free speech" -- why, that's simply what our founders intended.

ANOTHER FACT: Other Supreme Court decisions do not count because they are tyrannical, illegal, unconstitutional, unbiblical, unfair, and ewwwwwwwww. Feel free to ignore those and refer instead to the higher authority of your choosing, so long as it is American Jesus.

FACT THE THIRD: Certain justices on the Supreme Court are not permitted to rule on issues of marriage equality, because of how they are biased toward equality, and all their best friends are gay. And how they (LESBIAN) have been rumored (LESBIAN) to play softball (LESBIAN), if you catch our (LESBIAN) drift. This is different from a justice who has a demonstrated bias against equality -- by, for example, bemoaning the decriminalization of buttsex -- because that's just common sense.

NEW FACT: No Jews.

Judge Roberts should have required two of the members of the Supreme Court to recuse themselves, Kagan and Ginsburg, because both of them had literally presided over same-gender weddings previous to the ruling. [...]

In this case, they had a religious motivation for moving forward and conducting same-gender marriage: they are both liberal Jews. No, I'm not saying anything bad, this is a correct assessment of their world view.

Er ... uh ... um ... no. No? Yeah, let's go with no. Also nope, nuh-uh, and FUCK THAT NOISE with a serrated hunting knife. Whose inflamed bowels sharted this crazy talk? It is Jan Mickelson, another of those right-wing radio hosts in Iowa. (FACT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON: Almost all the right-wing radio hosts live in Iowa. Guess they really enjoy deep-throating fried food sticks.)

Jewishes, as you know, tend to be into justice and equality and fightin' for the little guy (or gal, we are also into feminism) because of our own personal experiences of getting exiled from all the countries and genocided and called BAD Jews for being Jewish and having Traditional Jewish Values, like how war is bad and don't be A Asshole to other people, only God gets to be A Asshole, it says so in the book. The book.

So, if we make our eyes real blurry, like we're trying to find the dolphin in one of those magic weird paintings, maybe we can see how Jewish justices might be inclined to not be A Asshole to homosexbian couples, even though there's a line somewhere about NO BUTTSEXING. But the Court is fudge-packed with Catholics, and aren't they supposed to believe in not being A Asshole too?

Gosh, this is confusing, and we cannot find the damned dolphin. Show us the dolphin, Jan Mickelson:

They should not have been in a position to decide. They should have recused themselves. Roberts should have required it. And if they were both gone, that ruling would not have advanced the hoax of same-gender marriage because they wouldn't have had the votes.

OK, now we get it. The Supreme Court should not have ruled on marriage equality, but at least if Chief Justice John Roberts had gotten rid of the Jews, the court's Christians could have ruled against this equality "hoax." In an unbiased way.

FINAL FACT IN CONCLUSION: This is bullshit, obviously. And where are the conservatives so worried about protecting everyone's religious freedom? Oh, they're whining about the "criminalization of Christianity" because the only kind of "religious liberty" that matters is the Jesus kind. Jews need not apply.

[Media Matters]

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