Jesus Saves Oklahoma Rep From Murdering Himself With Fire For The Unborn Babies


You know that thing, where you are SO MAD about abortion that you are just about ready to pour gasoline all over your nekkid Oklahoman body and light yourself on fire, but you won't, because you love Jesus too much? Of course you've been there, you are pro-life! Well, Jesus himself has stepped in to prevent that from happening yet again, in the case of Republican state Rep. Kevin Calvey of Oklahoma City. You see, Oklahoma House members were just having a nice friendly debate about SB 548, which would give Okie Supreme Court judges and other court employees a little 6% raise. Now, one would not think that this would progress to a hysterical shitfit about running across the street into the courthouse with your pants LITERALLY on fire, because you are so mad about abortion, but that's because you don't love Jesus as much as Calvey does, therefore you don't understand.

You see, the Oklahoma Supreme Court, that baby-killing liberal bastion of doom, has made some rulings (probably these two) that have upset poor Rep. Calvey, because they don't jibe with his desire to make abortion safe, legal and fucking impossible in the state of Oklahoma. So, in a little temper tantrum for the ages, he said these words, seriously, he actually said them:

If I were not a Christian and didn't have a prohibition against suicide, I'd walk across the street, douse myself with gasoline, and SET. MY. SELF. ON. FIRE!"

ALL. CAPS. AND. PERIODS! because that is how he said it, seriously, please watch the video. Calvey added that he wanted to do this to "protest the evil" in the Supreme Court building.

And know what? That's totally normal. In fact, he probably didn't even need to add the part about protesting evil, because everybody would automatically know that's why he did it, if they saw the shouty flaming legislator murdering his own self in the courthouse lobby. "Oh, there goes Rep. Calvey, doing suicide on himself because of abortion. He's so predictable EYE ROLL."

We also are very sad and disturbed to know that lit'rally the only thing standing between Rep. Calvey and self-induced death by fire is his Christian religion, which says suicide is no bueno. But don't say that fundamentalist Christians are ever anything like extremist Islamic terrorists. This is totally different, because we are talking about the very holy crusade to put a Republican hall monitor inside every female vagina, to protect the unborn babies.

Oh well, guess Calvey will have to find some other way to let out his frustrations, something that doesn't include suicide terrorism. Maybe he could just punch himself in the face a whole bunch and film it, so we can post it on the Wonket.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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