'Jesus Was A Capitalist' Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody's Rant Against The Pope
Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when herecently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the guy with the non-standard skin, even though we didn't write about it.
But not everybody is happy about the Pope's new popery. One such not everybody is a man we've never heard of before named Jonathon Moseley, a Tea Party Something from Who Cares. Jonathon Moseley has much special knowledge about Jesus Christ:
Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist.
Totally, like when Jesus said unto his flock "It is the one who is least among you who will work for the lowest wage, and woe be upon him who formeth a union, for I said so. Also my taxes are too high." Let us pray.
We are just gonna block quote this whole thing because, wow (emphasis ours):
Yet Jesus specifically supported the concept of capitalism. In Matthew 25:15-18, Jesus teaches what the (His) Kingdom of God is like:
“To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.”
Jesus is clearly using money as a metaphor for making the most of all of life’s opportunities, abilities and moments. Yet in teaching us how we should live, Jesus agrees that a man who traded with investment capital and earned profits is praised and rewarded by his master, a type for God, and given increased authority. Most striking is what Jesus says to the man who was too afraid to take a chance with the one talent of gold entrusted to him. Jesus endorses the concept of earning interest for profit.
Jonathon? IT'S A PARABLE. It means (we think) that God is actually an asshole, wait no, it means that in the Kingdom of Heaven you get five talents, juggling, tongue-curling, advanced juggling, and two of your choice. No? Aw hell, what is with all these Zen koans junking up the damn Bible? As if our holy capitalists have time to parse all this crap! Just tell them they're Right and Good and let them get on with Your work of wringing a few ducats out of their fellow man before they die and go to Boca.
We love "Jesus was a capitalist," though, so hard. ____ was a ____ is such a fun game. "Charlemagne was a postmodernist." "Ramses II was a mill worker's son." "Joan of Arc was a Pittsburgh Steeler." Now you try!