Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review
Would someone in Washington -- preferably a senator, but a high-ranking House member would be OK -- PLEASE get caught doing consensual sexxytime with someone who isn't their spouse, preferably in the middle of K Street? We have had just about as much of these goddamned NFL domestic violencing assholes as we can take, and it's starting to make us long for the everyday political venality and dickery that we love so much. So by now you have undoubtedly heard about the latest sportsball horrorshow: Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer has beenarrested on multiple charges in a domestic violence case (autoplay video at link). Just about the only thing "good" we can say about this latest case is that the Cardinals learned something from the three other teams that took forever to figure out that their abusive players need to be benched: Dwyer was placed on indefinite suspension after the arrest.
The charges against Dwyer -- two charges of aggravated assault, two counts of "criminal damage," and one of preventing a 911 call -- stem from two incidents in July involving Dwyer's wife and 18-month-old child. The assault on his wife allegedly fractured a bone, and he also reportedly threw a shoe at the baby. Dwyer's wife left the state after the incidents, after which Dwyer sent threatening text message to her. He seems nice. The woman only reported the assaults to Phoenix Police on September 11; and after investigators collected evidence ad interviewed witnesses, Dwyer was arrested at the Cardinals practice facility yesterday.
Police had actually gone to the Dwyers' home on July 21 when neighbors called 911, but the victim convinced them to go away (get ready for Fox News to have fun with that...):
The woman ... answered the door and told officers that the argument was verbal and that Dwyer was not at the home, [Phoenix police spokesman Sgt. Trent] Crump said.
"They were convinced that the fight was verbal (and) that was called in by a third party," Crump said. "She convinced them of that while he was hiding in the home."
Investigators now believe Dwyer was hiding in the bathroom of the home until police left, Crump said.
The woman told police that Dwyer physically assaulted her. Dwyer and the woman got into another argument a day later, on July 22, and police believe he took the woman's cellphone and threw it from the second floor of their home, Crump said.
Police believe that Dwyer, during the second incident, also took a shoe and threw it toward their 1-year-old child.
And just to add that special extra nausea-inducer, in that second incident, "Dwyer threatened to harm himself" if his wife called 911.
Dwyer is actually the Cardinals' second player with a domestic violence charge: Linebacker Daryl Washington pleaded guilty in March to assaulting his girlfriend, but he was already indefinitely suspended from the team for an earlier substance-abuse violation. No NFL discipline for him on the domestic assault charge yet.
In other Jesus We Are Sick Of Football™ News:
- Salon has a look at allegations that the NFL ignored another domestic violence case, this one involving a player for the Denver Broncos, well before the Ray Rice scandal blew up. We bet you're simply astonished to learn it!
- Fox News anchormoron Andrea Tantaros has a solution for all this domestic violencing in the NFL. She noted that Washington sportsball player Robert Griffin III turned a t-shirt with the slogan "Know Jesus, Know Peace" inside out before a teevee appearance Sunday, and said that it was a sign that the NFL's priorities are all messed up. On Fox's Outnumbered Wednesday, Tantaros said, “I’m thinking, where are your priorities? I mean, the NFL could use a little more God, and a little less of this other stuff.” Where are you in our hour of need, Tim Tebow?
- Adrian Peterson's mother, Bonita Jackson, spoke in support of her preschooler-beating son, explaining that he's a loving father who thinks the world of his children and was merely applying the same sort of discipline he was raised with. She told the Houston Chronicle that she and Peterson's father, Nelson Peterson, were both "big disciplinarians" and regularly spanked all six of their children with their hands, switches, and belts. Needless to say, she insists that it never went to the point of injury.
"I don’t care what anybody says, most of us disciplined our kids a little more than we meant sometimes," said Jackson, 50. "But we were only trying to prepare them for the real world. When you whip those you love, it’s not about abuse, it’s about love. You want to make them understand that they did wrong."
Happily for Ms. Jackson, the statute of limitations on her own expressions of love has expired.
We're pretty sure we'll have more Jesus We Are Sick Of Football™ for you tomorrow. Wouldn't it be nice if we were completely wrong about that?
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.