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And the award for Most Active Fantasy Life in Congress goes to Jim Jordan! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Congressman, COME ON DOWN and tell us all about your plan to become Speaker of the House when Paul Ryan nopes out this January. You're currently ass-deep in a sex scandal from your days as a wrestling coach at Ohio State. Your colleagues are already sick of ducking into the elevator to avoid commenting on the dozen former athletes who say, "Hell yeah, Jordan knew" about how they were being molested. But sure, the GOP is totally going to appoint you leader of the party! The future couldn't be brighter! Better put on some shades!


If you're like me, you believe in reform. You take your job seriously, and you're tired of the games you have to play in this town to get your voice heard.

You may feel differently, but I believe we have given the American people reason to question our commitment to reform.

Interesting choice of words, Congressman! What kind of games does a person have to play to get heard in this town? Or in say, Columbus, Ohio? Because nothing shows leadership like literally fleeing when a group of student athletes in your care start talking about being molested by the team doctor.

The former wrestler recalled one time when he went into the wrestling room at OSU and a few athletes and Jordan were "clumped together." He said he remembered saying, "something to the effect of 'his hands are cold as s**t; he checked out every hair on my ball,'" and said Jordan replied, "I have nothing to do with this" and walked away.

Jordan is a named defendant in one suit by former OSU wrestlers and will be deposed in connection with another. But the leader of the Republican Party is an avowed pussy-grabber with a 40 percent approval rating and a dozen pending lawsuits. So reach for the stars, Big Guy!

Hell, that stunt with the Rosenstein Articles of Impeachment this morning might even get Jordan an endorsement from the lunatic on Pennsylvania Avenue. Especially with Kevin McCarthy out there pretending he's totally for serious going to stand up to President Counterpuncher. (Spoiler Alert: LOL.) And if Democrats succeed in taking back the House, Nancy Pelosi will probably let Jim Jordan get her Starbucks and pick up her dry cleaning, if he's very good! So go for it, Jimmy!

Because we're old enough to remember when Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan harassed Speaker John Boehner until he wandered off to play golf and drink merlot. We're old enough to remember the trench warfare that followed when the House Freedom Caucus torpedoed Kevin McCarthy's bid to replace Boehner, and after kicking the shit out of each other, they all agreed to let Paul Ryan do the job part-time if he would just grab the gavel and put an end to the fighting. So if Jim Jordan wants to start that shit again, we wish him the best of luck!

(We're old enough to remember when the GOP House Speaker turned out to be a pedophile wrestling coach who had parked his Barcalounger in the locker room so as to get a better view of the boys changing, then went to jail for paying off a man he'd molested. We're like SO OLD.)

Or this nasty perv-enabler could resign like he should have weeks ago! But barring that, they should only tear each other to bits like a pack of wild dogs.

#BeBEST

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[CNN / Jordan Announcement]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.


In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"

EXTREME SHUDDER.

In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!


Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!

[Politico]

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