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And the award for Most Active Fantasy Life in Congress goes to Jim Jordan! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Congressman, COME ON DOWN and tell us all about your plan to become Speaker of the House when Paul Ryan nopes out this January. You're currently ass-deep in a sex scandal from your days as a wrestling coach at Ohio State. Your colleagues are already sick of ducking into the elevator to avoid commenting on the dozen former athletes who say, "Hell yeah, Jordan knew" about how they were being molested. But sure, the GOP is totally going to appoint you leader of the party! The future couldn't be brighter! Better put on some shades!


If you're like me, you believe in reform. You take your job seriously, and you're tired of the games you have to play in this town to get your voice heard.

You may feel differently, but I believe we have given the American people reason to question our commitment to reform.

Interesting choice of words, Congressman! What kind of games does a person have to play to get heard in this town? Or in say, Columbus, Ohio? Because nothing shows leadership like literally fleeing when a group of student athletes in your care start talking about being molested by the team doctor.

The former wrestler recalled one time when he went into the wrestling room at OSU and a few athletes and Jordan were "clumped together." He said he remembered saying, "something to the effect of 'his hands are cold as s**t; he checked out every hair on my ball,'" and said Jordan replied, "I have nothing to do with this" and walked away.

Jordan is a named defendant in one suit by former OSU wrestlers and will be deposed in connection with another. But the leader of the Republican Party is an avowed pussy-grabber with a 40 percent approval rating and a dozen pending lawsuits. So reach for the stars, Big Guy!

Hell, that stunt with the Rosenstein Articles of Impeachment this morning might even get Jordan an endorsement from the lunatic on Pennsylvania Avenue. Especially with Kevin McCarthy out there pretending he's totally for serious going to stand up to President Counterpuncher. (Spoiler Alert: LOL.) And if Democrats succeed in taking back the House, Nancy Pelosi will probably let Jim Jordan get her Starbucks and pick up her dry cleaning, if he's very good! So go for it, Jimmy!

Because we're old enough to remember when Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan harassed Speaker John Boehner until he wandered off to play golf and drink merlot. We're old enough to remember the trench warfare that followed when the House Freedom Caucus torpedoed Kevin McCarthy's bid to replace Boehner, and after kicking the shit out of each other, they all agreed to let Paul Ryan do the job part-time if he would just grab the gavel and put an end to the fighting. So if Jim Jordan wants to start that shit again, we wish him the best of luck!

(We're old enough to remember when the GOP House Speaker turned out to be a pedophile wrestling coach who had parked his Barcalounger in the locker room so as to get a better view of the boys changing, then went to jail for paying off a man he'd molested. We're like SO OLD.)

Or this nasty perv-enabler could resign like he should have weeks ago! But barring that, they should only tear each other to bits like a pack of wild dogs.

#BeBEST

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[CNN / Jordan Announcement]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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