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Jimmy Carter Explains All The Awesome Things George W. Bush Did, After Jimmy Carter Asked Him To

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First things first: Jimmy Carter is 88 years old. So who was the energetic youngster who just STOLED GEORGE W. BUSH'S LIBERRY CEREMONY?


So Jimmy Carter* got up to make a nice speech about George W. Bush, because "civility." He opened with fond memories of the stolen election of 2000, during which the crowd was clearly waiting for something awful to fall out of his mouth, but instead he just used the anecdote to explain that everything good that George W. Bush ever did** was because Jimmy Carter asked him to. JIMMEH!

First, JIMMEH talked about how he noodged George W. Bush to do something about Sudan, until George W. Bush did! JIMMEH!

Then he talked about other nice things George W. Bush did in Africa, like increase aid by almost 700 percent. Haha, LIBRUL THING that Republicans HATE!

Then he talked about how George W. Bush has helped with AIDS, and cervical cancer, also in Africa, but it was kind of backhanded because it just sort of sounded like way more people HAD AIDS.

At no point, did JIMMEH point to anything good George W. Bush had done in the U.S. He's polite, but he's not a fucking liar.

*We bought this book for our dad for Christmas, because there are two things he loves most: Jimmy Carter, and books with a "thought for the day." OK, also the Dalai Lama, so that is three things. And his dog. So that is four things. And we guess his kids, so that is like 11 or 12 things, depending on which of us you count.

**Except when he dodged that shoe. That was pretty studly, on the real.

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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