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'Joe' the 'Plumber' Has No Time For 'Debates'

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Remember Joe the Plumber, that guy who isn't really named Joe andisn't really a plumber but nonetheless became famous for no particular reason during the 2008 election and then somehow managed to get a reporting gig for Pajamas Media and subsequently "wrote" a "book" that now sells for about $00.01 on Amazon? Yes, THAT "Joe" the "Plumber." It pains us to inform you that he is also "running" for Congress with the same zeal he usually reserves for"plumbing" and book-"writing."


Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, the Republican running against U.S. Rep. Marcy Kaptur, D-Toledo, skipped out on the City Club of Cleveland debate Thursday and has earned a reputation for being all but impossible to contact, even by his fellow Republicans.

This is sad for us, because we were looking forward to watching a highlight reel of "Joe" the "Plumber" saying stupid things while Marcy Kaptur rolled her eyes and made jerk-off motions.

The Victory Center, which provides phone banks and logistical support for candidates, hasn’t even received yard signs or campaign literature from Wurzelbacher, she said.

Carrie Miller, spokeswoman for the City Club, said her organization made numerous attempts to reach Wurzelbacher but never heard back. Kaptur ended up speaking alone at Thursday’s event.

...“I’d rather have him in the arena and compete rather than hiding somewhere,” Steve Fought, a veteran campaign staffer working for Kaptur, said...“It’s the voters who lose in this because they deserve to hear what he has to say,” Fought said.

What did the voters do to deserve this? We do not know. But it must be something horrible. Or great, actually, now that we think about it.

[Cleveland Chronicle]

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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