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Here is John Boehner accepting a Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award the other day for having had the fewest number of abortions of any man in history. It hasn't been easy for him, wanting to have so many abortions but always refusing, and this is why he's crying. He cries constantly, pretty much whenever he's not screaming.

As Jon Chait notes (unnecessary "gender expectations" nonsense aside), John Boehner has much crying ahead of him in the near future, regardless of what happens to America:

If you needed more evidence, see what our Google image search on "Boehner cries" reveals. I'm pretty sure we'll see some tears if Republicans win the majority this November -- or, come to think of it, if they fail. It's actually kind of an interesting contrast as far as gender expectations goes. If Democrats hold on to the House, the Speaker will be a tough-as-nails negotiator who specializes in keeping a cool head when everybody else is freaking out. If Republicans win, the Speaker will be a manicured tanning addict who cries at the drop of a hat. Either way, it's a blow for gender stereotypes.

Eh, it'd be worth it, because John Boehner will also save Capitalism. Nancy Pelosi will just have more abortions.

[Jonathan Chait]

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

Giphy

SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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