John Boehner Hates Free Enterprise Private Insurance, Thinks It Is Mean


Oh, Speaker John Boehner, youhistorically lazy sack of unnaturally orange suck. Even though you are in charge of the House of Representatives (sort of; let's face it, everyone knows the teabaggers rule your world), you still haven't found the time to edumacate yourself on how that whole Obamacare thingy actually works:

"When you look at Obamacare which is a government-centered health care delivery system, that's not what the American people want," he said. "The American people want to be able to pick their own type of health insurance. They want to be able to pick their own doctor. They want to be able to pick their own hospital. That's what a patient-centered system looks like."

Funny, because when we went to the website, we saw many plans offered by Anthem, Kaiser and Blue Cross -- but none offered by The Government. And a lot of those plans said you can go to any doctor you want, as long as said doctor is in that plan's network, which is, hey!, exactly how insurance worked before Obama usurped the government. But maybe we were looking at the wrong thing and should have gone to the Republicans' fake Obamacare site instead?

Funnier still, because you also signed up to be a 'bortion-lovin' slut pill-poppin' death-panelin' socialist -- after bemoaning the impossibility of signing up and also putting the person who was trying to help you on hold for 35 minutes because that's the kind of dick you are -- and, we are guessing, you also saw a number of plans offered by private insurance companies what are not actually The Government.

Funnier a third time, you apparently are unfamiliar with all the many ways private insurance companies have always required you to grab your ankles when you want to see a doctor who is not in their precious network, or you want to have a procedure some cubicle-dwelling high school drop out is pretty sure you don't need no matter what your doctor says because POLICY.

But at least you're going to put your money where your derphole is and come up with an alternative to this awful terrible wretched no-good very-bad health care plan that was invented by the conservative derptank Heritage Foundation, but shhh, let's not talk about that, let's just pretend Obama cooked it up all by his own self, with an assist from Hitler and also Satan. Because asked whether you intend to pursue a legislative alternative -- you know, besides trying to impeach Obamacare for the eleveteenth time -- your answer was a very definitive, resounding, sure-to-assure-all-Americans-that-you-are-on-it-like-a-BOSS, "We'll see."

Yeah. We'll see. Hard to find the time to come up with your own health care plan when (a) Obamacare kind of IS your plan already; (2) your House is too busy doing investigations to IRSghaziglitchgate; (third) you spend the rest of your time not working.



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