After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he'll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there'll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either.


You want excitement? How's this for a stirring reason to return Walnuts to the Senate?

"The reason why I want to seek re-election is that there's a lot more to do, both for Arizona and the country," McCain told The Arizona Republic during a late Monday afternoon interview in his Phoenix office.

Wow, you had us at "the"! But wait, isn't Ol' Sneery kind of a RINO, far too "moderate" for Arizona in 2016? He doesn't even think the Preznit is a Muslin! Surely there are other Arizonans available to run against McCain and his far-left agenda of only wanting to bomb half the world, but not bring down the U.S. Government! How on earth do you call that conservative, even? So who else is a rising political star in Florida On the Gila River?

Note: we won't even mention Sheriff J** A*****, for fear that the invocation of his name could make him appear, like Lord Voldemort.

This Crazy Person

How about Wonkette's new gal-pal state Sen. Sylvia Allen? She believes the Earth is 6000 years old, she'd like to live in an America where church attendance is mandatory (though she recognizes that's impossible, so instead we all need guns), and she's keenly interested in the good that government can do -- for her son-in-law, at least. She's also a big supporter of the plan to turn her home county, Navajo County, into a Libertarian Paradise by electing Battle of Bundy Ranch hero Richard Mack sheriff there.

The Hypocrite Sheriff Grifter

Naturally, there's no reason to exclude Sheriff Mack from the potential pool of McCain opponents. Sure, Mack does believe that "Constitutional Sheriffs" are the highest authorities in the land, but we also bet he might give consideration to a run for the Senate with some of the leftover Griftcoins from his plea for donations to cover his healthcare, since Obamacare is a failure (that would have covered him). Look, just because he thinks the national government is illegitimate doesn't mean he'd say no to being a part of it.

A Chicken-Fucker (Maybe Not Literally)

Let us not forget state Sen. Dave Farnsworth, the sharp fellow who loves liberty and rugged individualism so much that he sponsored a bill banning municipal restrictions on keeping chickens in your yard, anywhere, because property rights are sacred and raising your own fowl is FREEDOM. In addition to supporting the right to keep and bear hens, Farnsworth was also behind a bill directing Arizona's Department of Emergency and Military Affairs to help everyone in the state prepare to survive the nuclear blast and Electromagnetic Pulse that Barack Obama has planned to knock out all of our electronics and plunge us into economic chaos. This is a guy with fresh ideas who could surely bring a new outlook to foreign affairs, not to mentions an EMP-shielded chicken to every backyard.

This Gun-Humper

Also appealing to Arizona's Agri-Aggro-Anglo community, there's Gary Kiehne, who ran for Congress on a platform of Guns, ammo, guns, guns, and also a visibly aroused stallion in the background of one of his cowboy ads. He has done a great deal of research on Things, such as the science fact that "99 percent" of mass shootings have involved "Democrats pulling their guns out and shooting people." He just might be a RINO, though, since he eventually apologized for the comment, which No True Wingnut would do.

A Dog-Murderer (But By Accident)

Or how about a father-son political dynasty serving at the same time? That would surely be a first! It's true that Sen. Jeff Flake's idiot son, Logan, has expressed no interest in politics, but now that all charges against him for killing those dogs have been dropped, he's free to run for the Senate. Just don't put him on a committee that involves oversight of any living creatures and he should do just fine.

Cesar Chavez

But what about the many Mexicans of Latinospanic heritage in the Grand Canyon State? There must be a candidate who can reach out to them, like perhaps the human being [citation needed] formerly known as Scott Fistler, who tried to run for Congress in a heavily Mexosexual district by changing his name to Cesar Chavez. Oh, sure, he got bounced from the primary ballot for having too many invalid signatures on his nominating petitions, but he still presumably has the name, or can get it back, so why not Cesar Chavez to replace the born-in-Panama Juan McCain?

A Dude Who Lies

But given the current state of Arizona Republican politics, though, our money has to be on Maricopa County GOP chair A.J. LaFaro, who took some video of a Latino guy delivering absentee ballots to a polling station -- perfectly legal under Arizona law -- and trumped it up into a tale of "voter fraud," even though he knew damn well that what the video showed was completely legal and non-fraudulent. LaFaro has impeccable Teahadi credentials, having also endorsed Richard Mack's Somalia-In-Navajo-County plan, condemned former Republican Gov. Jan Brewer for her dangerously unpatriotic socialism, and vowed to make it harder for brown people to vote, because you can tell just by looking at them that they're all illegal aliens.

Bristol Palin

And finally, one last possibility: Senator Bristol Palin. So what if she's not 30? She'll just whine until they let her run, and win, as God commands. Go ahead: try and get to sleep tonight now, America.

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[Arizona Republic]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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