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John McCain's Awesome Do-Over Speech

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Walnuts is re-launching his campaign for the millionth time, hurrah! Today he unveils a new speech, full of humor and zest and "my friends" and transparent falsehoods like, "we've got them just where we want them," because yes, six months ago if you had asked John McCain where he wanted to be 21 days from the election, he would have said,"Down 10 points nationally and fighting to keep Virginia and North Carolina in the red column."


A tantalizing sample of John McCain's rad new speech:

The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes, and planning with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid to raise taxes, increase spending, take away your right to vote by secret ballot in labor elections, and concede defeat in Iraq. But they forgot to let you decide. My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them.

[...] What America needs in this hour is a fighter; someone who puts all his cards on the table and trusts the judgment of the American people. I come from a long line of McCains who believed that to love America is to fight for her. I have fought for you most of my life. There are other ways to love this country, but I’ve never been the kind to do it from the sidelines.

Then, according to stage notes, John McCain tears off his suit to reveal a white spandex jumpsuit with WALNUTS!!! written in sequins over the crotch, and then he fires up his jetpack to go fight for America, but the jetpack just sort of peters out after a second or two, so he sadly drifts back to earth saying "Oh Walnuts," and leaves in shame while Sarah Palin smugly waves a monkey doll in the background.

Struggling McCain debuts comeback speech [Politico]

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