John McCain's Top 5 Winning Campaign Strategies Revealed!

The beans are spilled!The presumptive Republican presidential nominee may not have the money, star power, or party affiliation of his opponent, but that doesn't mean he won't win the presidency this November! He just needs to spend his wooden nickels wisely and hope that Candidate Obama has 50 more scary preachers where the first lunatic came from. Other supersecret campaign techniques after the jump.

1. He will talk about how much he loves guns and hates abortion, to appeal to his party's conservative base.

2. He will campaign in underpopulated backwaters and black communities to show downtrodden minorities and yokels that he is serious about giving the appearance he cares about them.

3. He will court Hispanic and Jewish voters, "two Democratic-leaning constituencies that may have reservations about Sen. Obama."

4. He will parade around his mother to show that there is at least one American citizen older than he is.

5. He will swap all of America for a slice of Canadian national park in a complicated real-estate subterfuge that makes Peter Keating the permanent dictator of Manhattan and Vicki Iseman the Queen Consort.

McCain Sets Stage for Fall Run [Wall Street Journal]


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