John Roberts The Man: Loves His Kids, Hates Bees

Ever since we crawled out of bed this morning, we here at Wonkette Central have been wondering how best to handle Charles Lane's totally awesome review in the Washington Post of Chief Justice John Roberts' new "kid-friendly" biography, now on sale at the Supreme Court gift shop. We know, we know: gift shop? Can you buy genuine Supreme Court gavels there? Not answered in the article, but a lot else is. Basically, we've decided to just excerpt the best of the piece, along with an attempt to transcribe our own dumbfounded reaction. That's right: it's a snarky summary of an earnest summary of a book written for 12-year-olds. This skillfully illustrates why blogs exist and why maybe they shouldn't. Layers of intertextuality continue after the jump.

Let's jump right in with the high point of the Chief Justice's week. No, it's not checking Nino's fur for ticks:

John Roberts sounds like a fun dad. Every Saturday morning, he makes bacon and waffles shaped like Mickey Mouse for his wife, Jane, and two children, Jack and Josie.

Do both the bacon and the waffles look like Mickey Mouse? Do they combine into some sort of mouse-like idol, which is worshipped, and then devoured?


If the kids don't act up during Sunday Mass, he lets them play soccer afterward without changing out of their church clothes.

But if they act up, he makes them change into clean, loose-fitting clothes more appropriate for soccer. There's a lot about Catholicism I simply don't understand, I guess.

One Thanksgiving, he helped son Jack with a class assignment, dressing up a paper turkey as a pirate. Apparently, not even the chief justice of the United States has the power to question the preschool curriculum, no matter how wacky the teacher's ideas.

Turkey ... pirate ... pirate turkey. Wow. Just ... wow.

These and other little-known facts of Roberts's home life appear in a new kid-friendly biography, "John G. Roberts, Jr.: Chief Justice," by Lisa Tucker McElroy ... The 48-page hardcover book filled with family photos is part of a Lerner Publishing Group series that also includes the life stories of Illinois Sen. Barack Obama (D), Vice President Cheney, Mother Teresa and, of course, Green Day, the rockers known for their hits "Wake Me Up When September Ends" and "American Idiot."

Several painful and forced Green Day/SCOTUS jokes ensue, which the remnants of our sense of decency prevent us from repeating here.

The emphasis throughout, though, is on the humanizing anecdote, such as the time 12-year-old Roberts ran his lawn mower over a hornet's nest and received a hundred stings. Kids would do well to learn from that experience, since some of them might have to cut a few extra lawns this summer to afford the $23.95 retail price of the biography.

That's an interesting take. Here's what I would learn from that story: no boring biography of some boring government dude is worth even a single bee sting. Jobs are for suckers, kids. Never forget that.

Portrait of the Chief Justice as a Family Man [WaPo]


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