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2018 Show Writers Bring Back Least-Missed Character For Dumb Cameo

SCOTUS

Don't call it a comeback! He's only going to be here for a year. Former US Senator Jon Kyl, who retired after three terms in 2012, has agreed to return to the house that McConnell torched to fill the late John McCain's seat after Gov. Doug Ducey lured Kyl back for one last job. See, there's a rather contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearing going on right now for grieving-parent stiffer Brett Kavanaugh. Kyl is expected to be sworn in on Wednesday. I'll save you the suspense in wondering how he might vote on Kavanaugh.

Jon Kyl, who has helped guide President Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh through the Senate confirmation process, does not have a conflict in casting a vote for the judge, several Arizona attorneys said Tuesday.

"Sherpas" help nominees prepare for meetings with individual senators. They brief the nominees on senators' key priorities, potential lines of questioning and help prepare them for intense public hearings.

Customarily, sherpas do not get paid for their work, said Kory Langhofer, a Republican attorney.

Oh, sorry, I skipped to the part where the fix is totally in. Wait, Kyl was Kavanaugh's unpaid "sherpa"? Wow. Excuse me while I grab some turpentine to remove the image from my mind. Also, how hard of a job is it to just not answer questions and refuse to release any documents related to anything you ever did? Did Kavanaugh really need the Rocky IV training montage to prepare for the Senatorial spa treatment the majority has in store for him?


Ducey was required by law to appoint a Republican and cast Kyl as a reliable Republican whose previous three terms in the Senate make him qualified to immediately jump in and get to work.

"Over the last few months, Sen. Kyl has been working closely with the White House on the Senate confirmation of President Trump's nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court," Ducey said. "Now, Sen. Kyl can cast a vote for Kavanaugh's confirmation."

McCain tweeted support for Kavanaugh's nomination in July, but he also claimed he looked forward to a "fair and thorough" confirmation process. This has so far been neither. McCain was big on "regular order." Maybe he'd have withheld his vote unless we got it. He's been a maverick before. And if you'll forgive my ghoulishness, when he was still alive but unable to actually report to work, the GOP only had 50 votes. That's why we held out hope for supposed pro-choice Republicans Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski. Now Kavanaugh's confirmation might be as settled as Roe v. Wade soon will not.

But enough defeatism. Let's have some late morning fun recalling what a big, dumb asshole the former Senate Minority Whip is.

And when not sticking it to first responders, Kyl liked to stick it to women's reproductive health. He was so anti-abortion and felt so strongly about defunding Planned Parenthood that he thought he'd just get on the Senate floor and stone cold make up stuff about what the organization actually does.

What a trade-up for Donald Trump! No more Senator War Hero dragging him publicly and reminding everyone what a patsy for Putin he is. Now he's got a fellow "fake news" devotee. After a year of Sarah Huckabee Sanders running White House press briefings like the Terminator, you can almost appreciate the polite phrasing of Kyl's lie-pology.

Kyl eventually had his Planned Parenthood slander stricken from the Congressional Record, as though it never happened. But Kavanaugh's sham hearings are happening and Kyl is a solid "yes." Kyl's only agreed to serve through the end of this session on January 3. He's 76 and wants to spend more time lobbying. Here's to lifetime Supreme Court appointments voted on by temp workers.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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