Jonah Goldberg: Director's Cut Edition

Sometimes columnists who write in venues with more decorum and less space to fill than don't get a chance to say everything they'd truly like to say. As a service to readers, we provide the annotations. Here's the latest column from Jonah Goldberg, on the importance of the Michael Jackson trial.

Published versionDirector's cut edition
In one of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons, Troy McLure - famed Hollywood personality...needs to get hitched in a sham marriage to Homer's sister-in-law in order to save his career. I'm a Simpsons Republican. That's like a South Park Republican, only sweatier on national defense issues.
Michael Jackson's perversions are as close as we have today to Troy McLure's situation. Of course, the key difference is that Troy's terrible secret seemed to involve tropical fish. That's funny. Last weekend, me and Lowry got drunk and fingered a guppy! We totally had Buckley in stitches!
A lot of eat-your-spinach media critics think it is unseemly for the press to pay attention to the Jackson trial....I couldn't disagree more. If I had my way, we'd add snippets from the Jackson trial to the Pledge of Allegiance. It's that important to democracy.
No, the Jackson story is about a hugely rich and successful man using his money and influence to cover up years of sexual and psychological abuse of children. It's about the moral depravity Hollywood is willing to tolerate and enable. Unless you wanna see what it looks like when a head the size of a beachball explodes, don't even ask me about that "fact-finding" trip Sean Penn took to Neverland Ranch!

The Terri Schiavo case wasn't purely a courtroom battle, but it certainly divided America along fascinating fault lines. For the families, I guess, the whole thing was kind of a downer. But from my armchair? Fascinating!
Unlike O.J. Simpson, [Jackson's] not even black anymore. Who was it who said, Where else but America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman? Usually I have my poor black boy look up quotes for me. But yesterday, out of the blue, he turned into a rich white woman! I guess I was paying him too much. Obviously, I'm pissed, but, still, you gotta love America! That couldn't have happened in Sweden.
Jackson's staff crafted elaborate electronic warning systems....What sort of person installs an electronic warning system for an accused pederast? Trust me, Jane Fonda's fingerprints are all over this. That bitch knows way more about elaborate electronic warning systems than she's letting on...
The Michael Jackson story is an extremely exaggerated microcosm of Hollywood's moral climate.. A lot of people don't know this about me, but for most of the mid-'90s, I was Chris Farley's ass double. I saw the moral decay of Hollywood up close, and thus the moral decay of contemporary liberalism too, and whoever the Democrats choose to run for the 2008 election.
Hollywood is ruled by a class of people who believe that money solves problems and that the worst sin in the world is to judge another person's behavior. For three years, Alec Baldwin worked as a maid at Neverland. But did he ever say, "Hey, Michael, maybe lighten up on the man-pony rides?" Not even once! I say lock him up too.
"Comedian" Bill Maher, for example, recently explained that he thought the charges [against Jackson] were no big deal, even if true. Goddamn that Maher! If only he gave me the go-ahead, I'd snap Jackson's neck like a fuckin' Cheetoh! Until he does, though, my hands are tied, cuz, unfortunately, Maher runs that town.
In normal America, if kids beat up your kid, you demand a reckoning. If a middle-aged freak "services" your kid, you call a hearse. Frankly, I think it's weird that normal Americans coordinate funeral services for the people they kill, but I double-checked this with David Brooks and he says it's true. I guess folks really are more "neighborly" in the Midwest!
Obviously, there are lots of people in the entertainment industry who are horrified by the allegations and behavior of Michael Jackson. But only in Hollywood could such a thing happen in the first place. I hate to play the secular Jew card, but let's be frank here. If there were more priests in Hollywood, this never would've happened.

Michael Jackson: Hollywood's man in the mirror []

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