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Jonah Goldberg: Director's Cut Edition

Sometimes columnists who write in venues with more decorum and less space to fill than Wonkette.com don't get a chance to say everything they'd truly like to say. As a service to readers, we provide the annotations. Here's the latest column from Jonah Goldberg, on the importance of the Michael Jackson trial.




Published versionDirector's cut edition
In one of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons, Troy McLure - famed Hollywood personality...needs to get hitched in a sham marriage to Homer's sister-in-law in order to save his career. I'm a Simpsons Republican. That's like a South Park Republican, only sweatier on national defense issues.
Michael Jackson's perversions are as close as we have today to Troy McLure's situation. Of course, the key difference is that Troy's terrible secret seemed to involve tropical fish. That's funny. Last weekend, me and Lowry got drunk and fingered a guppy! We totally had Buckley in stitches!
A lot of eat-your-spinach media critics think it is unseemly for the press to pay attention to the Jackson trial....I couldn't disagree more. If I had my way, we'd add snippets from the Jackson trial to the Pledge of Allegiance. It's that important to democracy.
No, the Jackson story is about a hugely rich and successful man using his money and influence to cover up years of sexual and psychological abuse of children. It's about the moral depravity Hollywood is willing to tolerate and enable. Unless you wanna see what it looks like when a head the size of a beachball explodes, don't even ask me about that "fact-finding" trip Sean Penn took to Neverland Ranch!

The Terri Schiavo case wasn't purely a courtroom battle, but it certainly divided America along fascinating fault lines. For the families, I guess, the whole thing was kind of a downer. But from my armchair? Fascinating!
Unlike O.J. Simpson, [Jackson's] not even black anymore. Who was it who said, Where else but America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman? Usually I have my poor black boy look up quotes for me. But yesterday, out of the blue, he turned into a rich white woman! I guess I was paying him too much. Obviously, I'm pissed, but, still, you gotta love America! That couldn't have happened in Sweden.
Jackson's staff crafted elaborate electronic warning systems....What sort of person installs an electronic warning system for an accused pederast? Trust me, Jane Fonda's fingerprints are all over this. That bitch knows way more about elaborate electronic warning systems than she's letting on...
The Michael Jackson story is an extremely exaggerated microcosm of Hollywood's moral climate.. A lot of people don't know this about me, but for most of the mid-'90s, I was Chris Farley's ass double. I saw the moral decay of Hollywood up close, and thus the moral decay of contemporary liberalism too, and whoever the Democrats choose to run for the 2008 election.
Hollywood is ruled by a class of people who believe that money solves problems and that the worst sin in the world is to judge another person's behavior. For three years, Alec Baldwin worked as a maid at Neverland. But did he ever say, "Hey, Michael, maybe lighten up on the man-pony rides?" Not even once! I say lock him up too.
"Comedian" Bill Maher, for example, recently explained that he thought the charges [against Jackson] were no big deal, even if true. Goddamn that Maher! If only he gave me the go-ahead, I'd snap Jackson's neck like a fuckin' Cheetoh! Until he does, though, my hands are tied, cuz, unfortunately, Maher runs that town.
In normal America, if kids beat up your kid, you demand a reckoning. If a middle-aged freak "services" your kid, you call a hearse. Frankly, I think it's weird that normal Americans coordinate funeral services for the people they kill, but I double-checked this with David Brooks and he says it's true. I guess folks really are more "neighborly" in the Midwest!
Obviously, there are lots of people in the entertainment industry who are horrified by the allegations and behavior of Michael Jackson. But only in Hollywood could such a thing happen in the first place. I hate to play the secular Jew card, but let's be frank here. If there were more priests in Hollywood, this never would've happened.

Michael Jackson: Hollywood's man in the mirror [Townhall.com]
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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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