TV people, it's time to stop booking this dipshit.
It's easy to dismiss Louisiana GOP Senator John Kennedy.
He comes across like some redneck swamp thing that shows up with unclear intentions and starts talking batshit to you while you're pumping gas at the first exit after you hit Louisiana, before you hit the bridge across Lake Pontchartrain into New Orleans. You look around for the van from which he escaped, but there is no van. You hope your friend is done buying cigarettes inside the station very soon, so you can escape the mysterious bumbling redneck swamp creature who smells of Skoal, cousin marriage, and a lifetime of regret, allegedly.
Surely this is not some Kremlin-affiliated asset with a master plan, besides of course the master plan he's been drawing up to get the pretty lady at Cracker Barrel to give him seconds on cheese grits! OR IS IT?
But yet there Kennedy was on Sunday's episode of "Stop Ruffilin' My Beard!" with host Chuck Todd, spreading Russian propaganda about imaginary Ukrainian election interference that he's been told repeatedly is Russian propaganda, that Fiona Hill said is Russian propaganda, and that the US intelligence community briefed senators is Russian propaganda.
It's the Sunday Show Rundown!
Joe Scarborough was right. I'll explain, but first let's begin with Louisiana Senator and human Foghorn Leghorn: John Neely Kennedy. On NBC's "Meet The Press," Chuck Todd began by asking Kennedy for clarification about last week's idiotic assertions.
KENNEDY: Well, Chris Wallace was interviewing me and he asked me a question and I answered it. I thought he had asked me if Ukraine had meddled in the 2016 election. He didn't. He asked me if Ukraine was responsible for hacking the DNC computer, which is of course a form of meddling. I went back and looked at the transcript and I realized Chris was right and I was wrong, so I said I was wrong.
Despite the "I heard the question wrong" bullshit, it seemed to me like we were off to a good start now that Kennedy was done being a
unwitting Russian asset.
I was wrong.
It's your Sunday Show Rundown!
We begin this week's Sunday show rundown with CNN's "State Of The Union," where Jake Tapper decided to spill a little tea at the top of the show before beginning his interview:
TAPPER: Over the past two weeks, you have heard damning allegations about the president and his administration from various government officials in the impeachment inquiry. To respond, we invited the top Republican leaders in the House and in the Senate, as well as the president's legal team and officials from the White House, to join us on the show today. They all declined our requests. But joining me now is one of the president's strongest supporters in the House of Representatives, Republican Congressman Lee Zeldin of New York's First Congressional District...
What a sterling introduction! Nothing says "thanks for joining us" like being introduced as the C-squad/consolation prize of Trump defenders while most of the main ones are still licking their wounds from the impeachment hearings last week. But Zeldin tried his best to parrot out the same "no demand, no pressure, no quid pro quo" or "no linkage" while trying to say the Ukrainians did not know about the aid being held until AFTER the infamous July 25 call. Tapper, however, quickly interjected to correct the record:
TAPPER: But I guess a couple points. One, it came out in testimony this week that the Ukrainians did know that the aid was on hold before the phone call. I don't know what Zelensky knew or didn't know, but the Ukrainian government did know. That's one. And, two, we already had Mick Mulvaney come out and say, in front of the cameras, that there was an explicit quid pro quo, that the aid was being held up until -- in part, one of the reasons that it was being held up was because President Trump wanted the Ukrainians to commit to an investigation into Ukraine in 2016. I mean, Mulvaney has already said that that was one of the reasons that the aid was held up.
OR IS IT?
How's about we start this week where we ended last week? WITH THE SAME STORY!
News broke Friday after Fiona Hill's stunning testimony on Capitol Hill, including her exhortation to Congress to please stop spreading Russian propaganda lies about Ukraine meddling in the 2016 election, because THAT IS RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA, that actually Congress already knew that, because the intelligence community had specifically briefed senators on the subject. Of course, during the hearings, people like Devin Nunes (HOW YOU LIVIN', MOO-BOY?) just continued to spread the Russian propaganda, because they're shameless and also it would appear that, at least in Nunes's case, he's a participant in Trump's scheme to get Ukraine to illegally interfere in the 2020 election.
Hill and Ukraine embassy official David Holmes, as well as several other impeachment witnesses, testified that among other things Russia seeded this narrative to deflect attention from its own responsibility for the 2016 election attack, and to weaken the Ukraine-US relationship.
So obviously with this news out in the open, Republican senators hit the Sunday shows to spread some more Russian propaganda.
John Kennedy, the GOP senator from Louisiana, got the ball rolling on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace. You know, we were thinking this weekend how it's unfair journalism when we call Kennedy's colleague Ron Johnson the Senate's dumbest Republican, because of how John Kennedy is #BeBest at being dumbstupidest Senate Republican too.
How you livin', Devin Nunes?
HOLY COW! Devin Nunes is even deeper in the manure than even we thought! In a massive Friday night news dump (betcha Daily Beast was hot on their trail), CNN busted the GOP plot to smear Joe Biden wide open. Remember Thursday the Beast reported Devin's four-day, taxpayer-funded field trip facilitated by Lev Parnas to A COUNTRY in Europe last December? Well! Turns out Devin and three congressional aides spent $4,000 per day, per person, of your money to jet off to Vienna and pump corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin for dirt on Joe Biden. So Nunes has been part of this drug deal from the very beginning.
"Mr. Parnas learned from former Ukrainian Prosecutor General Victor Shokin that Nunes had met with Shokin in Vienna last December," Parnas's lawyer Joseph Bondy told CNN. So a full year ago, before Joe Biden had even declared his candidacy, Devin Nunes was using government resources to smear him in cahoots with the president's former attorney and his Ukrainian-American fixer? Cool, cool.
Nunes himself spoke to Parnas at least three times about Ukraine, and he didn't think that was worthy of mention in testimony that prominently featured Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas's schemes? Instead he spent the entire hearing howling that Chairman Adam Schiff COLLUDED with the whistleblower by telling his lawyer to file a formal complaint?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING US WITH THIS SHIT?
Donny's point of view is this: Take whatever you can grab.
Donald Trump did another of his marathon phone calls to "Fox & Friends" this morning where he ranted for nearly an hour, repeatedly ignoring the hosts' subtle cues that now would be a good time to wrap up, how about now, maybe NOW, Mr. "President"? Along the way, he repeated his favorite debunked conspiracy about supposed Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election, plus a lot of other stuff, prompting even Steve Doocy to make a pretense of asking him if he had any facts to back up his crazy claims. Trump. doesn't need "proof," so he just insisted he was right and kept talking, which is how logic works, after all. Let's take a look at the weirdness!
That's it. That's the joke.
In the matter of Kashyap "Kash" Patel v. Politico, LLC, Natasha Bertrand, and Robert Allbritton, Wonkette files this Motion to Dismiss For THIS ISN'T A REAL LAWSUIT, YOU ASSHOLES.
You know this isn't a real lawsuit because it was filed by Devin Nunes's lunatic libelslander lawyer Steven Biss, who still has an earthlink.net email in the year 2019, is currently suing a Twitter cow for hurting Devin Nunes's feelings, and actually typed the words "From the beginning of recorded time, the law has faithfully protected a person's 'absolute' right to an unimpaired reputation."
You know this isn't a real lawsuit because the plaintiff, Devin Nunes's former HPSCI stooge Kashyap "Kash" Patel, now of the National Security Council, is referred to as "Kash" throughout. Not "Patel," not "Mr. Patel," not "Plaintiff" -- just "Kash."
You know this isn't a real lawsuit because Patel is suing Politico and its superstar reporter Natasha Bertrand who "covers 'national security' issues" (scare quotes original) and is also "a contributor to extreme left-wing programs, such as those broadcast by MSNBC." According to Patel, Bertrand uses her Twitter account "to smear Politico's opposition," by which he means himself of course, not the Daily Beast or BuzzFeed.
If the whistleblower didn't tell everybody about the crimes, nobody would know about the crimes!
We are getting a wee bit of whiplash right now, and it is Chuck Todd's fault, LOCK HIM UP! Just fooling! We do not want Chuckles The Todd to be lock him upped!
But ever since this whole Ukraine Trump impeachment business started, we never know which Chuck Todd we're going to get. The one that occasionally commits light acts of journalism, or the normal Chuck Todd who is idiot? Last time we addressed the subject, it was normal idiot Chuck Todd. This time it is light journalism Chuck Todd.
America's Dumbest GOP Senator Ron Johnson went on the "Meet the Press" show on Sunday. Chuck Todd has been mean to Johnson before, so maybe there's just something about that guy that makes Chuckles remember his job description. Johnson, of course, is right in the middle of the Trump Ukraine impeachment, having attended Volodymyr Zelenskiy's inauguration in Ukraine along with the Three Amigo idiots, as Marie Yovanovitch was being pushed onto a plane back to DC so Trump's folks could go on a crime spree. Months later, Johnson "winced" when he found out Trump was tying Ukraine's congressionally appropriated military aid to his demand for bullshit investigations of Joe Biden, but his "wincing" got better when Trump said "NO QUID PRO QUO!" -- because if Donald Trump says that, it must be true, according to Ron Johnson, who really is that stupid.
On this "Meet the Press" appearance, Todd generally (generally) pushed back appropriately, and for that he wins one (1) Snausage of his choosing. (No weird flavors, Chuck, we're not going to multiple Petcos for this.)
Everything should be back to batshit normal by Opinion Time.
For a brief while this morning, some of the journalists at Fox News seemed almost like Americans, expressing the wild belief that former US ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch had given important testimony during the impeachment hearing, and even suggesting that Donald Trump's weirdass tweet attacking her could be considered a form of witness tampering. WEIRD!
In case you missed it, here's Trump grumping that Yovanovitch is BAD NEWS:
Yep, she had some kind of diplomatic posting in Somalia, to be sure. It was early in her career, but clearly she was so terrible at it that she managed to turn an entire country into ... Somalia!
Here's Chris Wallace on Fox, noting that anyone not moved by how Yovanovitch was treated must have no soul at all, which we should assume includes the schmuck who sent that tweet up there. It's followed by Brett Baier commenting on Trump's tweet and suggesting we'd all just seen the "president" of the USA buying himself a new impeachment count for witness intimidation:
Buckle up, chucklefux! This time it's WEIRD.
On Friday, after work, we decided to text one of our best friends to see what she was doing that night. So we pulled out our iPhone and typed "Hey, what you doing this evening," and then we laughed at ourselves because we realized we typed that INTO OUR GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, and we looked at ourselves in the mirror and said "OK Boomer," even though we are not a Boomer.
Speaking of that, computer genius cyber expert superlawyer Rudy Giuliani appears to have texted his password, or a password, to a reporter named Roger Sollenberger, who had just published a thing at BuzzFeed where Giuliani had confirmed some new Ukraine crimes for him, like Giuliani does all the time whenever he opens his mouth. And then it was a dark and stormy night, and Rudy went to a baseball game with Alan Dershowitz:
Two days after publication, on the evening he attended a Yankees playoff game with Alan Dershowitz, Giuliani — President Donald Trump's 75-year-old informal cybersecurity adviser — accidentally texted me what appeared to be a password: Eight characters, beginning with the name of a networking company and including a capital letter, a special character, and a number. Multiple IT experts confirmed it could be nothing else, and, given the iPhone's messaging setup, impossible to type with your butt or in any other unwitting way.
Au contraire, Roger Sollenberger! Maybe Rudy Giuliani's butt just has remarkable dexterity! But is he left-cheeked or right-cheeked? That is what enterprising journalists need to find out.
Sollenberger decided to be nice and say hello, my dude, you appear to have just given me your password, and Rudy said no I gave you my ASSWORD!
I alerted him. He replied, "Oh, that was just a butt dial," but thanked me, punctuated with a smiley-face emoji.
But this story is just beginning!
Gonna try that 'catch more flies with honey than vinegar' thing for like five seconds and then go back to being dicks.
Chuck Todd has had a couple moments of greatness lately. We know, it's weird! When the Ukrainium One Trump impeachment story really broke wide open, he hosted Louisiana GOP Senator John Kennedy. Todd got real mad at Kennedy, because Kennedy wouldn't stop saying stupid completely debunked lies about what Joe Biden supposedly did in Ukraine. A couple weeks later, he hosted Wisconsin GOP Senator Ron Johnson, and he YELLED AT RON JOHNSON, because Johnson was doing the same thing, saying stupid lies not only about Joe Biden, but also about how Ukraine was the real collusion in the 2016 election.
We have been impressed, quite frankly. And we have wondered where the real Chuck Todd is, and if he is safe, BLINK TWICE IF KIDNAPPED.
So it is in the spirit of gently correcting Todd, so as to keep him on the path of righteousness, that we must reprimand him today. It's not the biggest thing in the world, it's just that we care about him and want to encourage him as he tries to become a real live grownup journalist.
Todd had Rand Paul on Sunday morning's "Meet The Press." (First mistake.) Paul spewed a bunch of weird crap about how it's totally OK to do quid pro quos with Ukraine, because Ukraine is "corrupt," even though this is aid that had been appropriated by Congress. It was incredibly dumb, because everybody with two brain cells to rub together knows that Donald Trump doesn't give a shit about "corruption" in Ukraine or anywhere else, unless it's corruption that benefits him, in which case he's for it.
Yeah, she's ready to kick some ass. Are you?
Elizabeth Warren is "angry." That's what her political opponents claim, and it's in their interests to paint the selfie senator as a less-than-kindly schoolmarm. Joe Biden said Warren had an "angry, unyielding viewpoint." Pete Buttigieg thinks Warren's "so absorbed in the fighting that it is as though fighting were the purpose." He suggested she's only running to pick fights.
BUTTIGIEG: She's more interested in the fighting part of it. I'm more interested in outcomes.
It's unclear what "outcomes" Mayor Dobie will achieve as president other than having Republicans eat his lunch every day for four years. Warren actually understands that Republicans exist. She's not naive enough to think they'll suddenly have an "epiphany" and "rejoice" in the holy spirit of "bipartisanship" once Donald Trump's gone. If it sounds like Warren's ready for a fight, that means she's prepared to serve as the president of America not Hippie Dippy Land.
Fighting isn't Warren's singular objective. She's not Jake LaMotta. Her "purpose" is taxing rich people back into the Stone Age or more accurately the mid-1950s. If she was just a windmill tilter in a leather jacket, billionaires wouldn't have nightmares on their streets about her.
Worst. Superman. Ever.
This past Wednesday, America's Least Super Man Dean Cain attempted to be a real American hero by outing the whistleblower whose Inspector General complaint was found credible, triggering the House's Impeachment Inquiry of Donald Trump. Cain tweeted out a photo of Obama staffers with a big red circle around the supposed "traitor's" face, along with this caption from 1994, which is, coincidentally, the last year in which Dean Cain was at all relevant:
R. David Edelman, the man whose face was circled in the picture, was not the whistleblower.
We're running out of synonyms for evil over here.
Now that NO QUID PRO QUO! has given way to QUID PRO QUO, BUT THE GOOD KIND!, the GOP is casting about for something to distract from President Crimetime's one million felonies. What they need is a villain! Someone for the public to blame besides Donald Trump, the guy who did all the crimes. So they've settled on the whistleblower, the good samaritan who risked his career to call 911. It's a tricky maneuver, since every single witness has confirmed his account and Donald Trump himself released the transcript of himself extorting the Ukrainian president. To sell this storyline, they're going to need someone with a light touch, someone charismatic and trustworthy. Someone with really good hair.
Unfortunately, all they've got is Rand Paul and Don Jr.
This post is staying here till I can't stomach it a second longer. Scroll down for new ones!
Hey, remember last night, when I freaked out at you guys? Probably not, because I only left the comment up for about five minutes before I deleted it, too embarrassed at my WHINE and WHAAH and OUTBURST and PETULANCE and WAAH SOME MORE. But it was long enough for like 50 people to feel bad at the sulky shouty lady having a breakdown and SEND HER MONEY, for WONKETTE and LOVE. So thank you, 50 people, I will get to your thank you notes later, after ALL THE NEWS IN THE WORLD.
So let's talk about why I am having breakdowns, what we need, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm going to continue doing wrong because I can't help it, and what YOU need to do, because CITIZENSHIP.
First: I can't help hiring new people, all the time, like constantly. If I waited to do this until I had the money in the bank, we would never hire the people! And we neeeeed the people. Two more full-time staffers will allow our writers to take their time on SOME posts, SOMETIMES, like PROFESSIONALS; it'll allow us to have news for you in the morning instead of oh is it TEN THIRTY ALREADY AND I HAVE TO KILL EVAN NOW? Do you want me to kill Evan? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. Also, my therapist says I am impulsive and he is correct. But if my "impulsive" is limited to "hiring people you love and giving them fully funded healthcare so Elizabeth Warren can bone us," I'd say that "impulsive" is GOOD! :D
We'll be able to focus on all the things we're good at, and maybe SOME FUCKING DAY one of us will do a podcast, gross, ugh, how do you even listen to people YAMMERING ALL OF THE TIME. (Can you tell I don't have a "commute" or go to "gym"?)
Second: No, I'm not doing premium content for subscribers; everyone is equal at the Wonkette, and no animal is more equal than others. Second part B: I don't think ads are going to work. I had a brief vision of this ONE AD solving our problems and me not having to beg and whine at you, and ... it just won't. Not just because some of you mewled about that ONE AD which I'd WARNED YOU WAS COMING after TWO AD-FREE YEARS, and it HURT MY FEELINGS and MADE ME YELL AT YOU ... this is not a good apology.
Democracy dies in dumbness.
The library system in Citrus County, Florida, asked the county commission to approve an entirely routine expenditure: $2,700 a year for a digital subscription to the New York Times. The library already gets the print edition, but two of the branches only get the Sunday edition, and access to the digital version would be available to more library patrons. As the Citrus County Chronicle pointed out, the subscription would have allowed library patrons full access to the Times from their home computers with their library login, with no stingy paywall limits.
Unfortunately for any eggheads and subversive America-haters who use the socialist public libraries, the request was killed by the county commissioners, who laughed at the very idea and said they support Donald Trump. So there'll be no FAKE NEWS made available to the 70,000 patrons who use Citrus County libraries, at least not at the county's expense.
Here are the wise Florida Men of Citrus County sending a very important message to the library: You keep your filthy Newspaper of Record lies out of our good patriotic county, you!
Citrus County Florida Commissioners reject NYT digital subscription for Library. Call it Fake News. www.youtube.com
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