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'I Couldn't Care Less.' Wonkagenda For Mon. Jan., 14, 2019

The FBI has been interested in Trump-Russia for a long time, and the government shutdown drags on. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Elections

'I'm Still Doing It.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Jan. 9, 2019

Buncha bullshit about Trump's wall, but many other stories too! Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

VP Pence Says Ex-Presidents Talking To Trump Through The TV

So that's reassuring then.

Mike Pence is a gross fraud. For the past two years, he has debased himself for Donald Trump, constantly sacrificing virtue to ambition like your average religious hypocrite. Trump is a demanding master, though. I think he secretly delights in forcing his vice president to explain away his constant stream of lies with shameless obfuscation.

Pence was on the "Today" show this morning with Hallie Jackson, who confronted him on Trump's most recent laughable lie that former presidents confided in him their secret, forbidden desires for WALL. This is what Trump said: "This should have been done by all of the presidents that preceded me and they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it." Now here comes the veep.

JACKSON: Which former presidents told President Trump, as he said, that he should've built a wall? All their representatives have denied that that was the case.

PENCE: I know the president has said that that was his impression from previous presidents, previous administrations.

Mr. Vice President, what you "know" is that the president has lied ... again. This isn't even your normal "you rubes look pretty gullible" political lie, like whenever Paul Ryan talked about the GOP health care or tax scam bills. This is an easily disproven lie. All the living former presidents -- and even some recently dead ones -- hate Trump and would gladly tell the world he's full of shit, which is what immediately happened. Trump had to know this. He just can't help himself. He's literally compelled to lie, especially when it provides the mental comfort of a "safe space" where highly regarded people don't think he's a gibbering idiot.

Pence's defense is even worse. He says Trump was under the "impression" that previous presidents longed for a WALL. It was several paragraphs ago, so let's have a refresher: "This should have been done by all of the presidents that preceded me and they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it."

See the part in bold? Trump plainly states that a conversation took place between him and more than one former president on this really dumb subject. Maybe Pence is suggesting Trump was fooled by someone doing an "impression" of previous presidents. Rich Little visited the White House and went through his whole repertoire. He's pretty convincing, especially his Obama.

PENCE: I know I've seen clips of previous presidents talking about the importance of border security.

Starting sentences with "I know" while shifting uncomfortably in his seat like he's crapped his pants is emerging as Pence's subtle "tell" that he's also lying. I should challenge him to a high-stakes poker game: "I know, Stephen, that you've just dealt me a solid hand, so I'll raise you 20 Jesus dollars." Pence is trying to shift the discussion away from Trump's obvious and pathetic lie, but instead he raises the 25th Amendment-invoking concern that Trump thinks people are speaking directly to him from the TV set. That's probably true if he's watching Sean Hannity, but the majority of the time, the TV isn't participating in conversation.

JACKSON: That's different from telling the president, though, right?

PENCE: Honestly...

Nothing he's about to say will be honest. I see his 20 Jesus dollars and raise him another 10 Marys. Pence also repeated the lie Sarah Huckabee Sanders tried to get past Chris Wallace that more terrorists are coming into the country each day than tech bros moving to Seattle.

In case there's any temptation to feel sorry for Pence, please keep in mind that this pious, anti-queer and anti-woman sleaze has lied for Trump before he was even president. During the 2016 vice presidential debate, Pence ran interference for Trump and pretended he was someone else entirely, like Karen Pence did when she suggested pushing the beds together after the family saw Aquaman.

Senator Tim Kaine shrewdly quoted the Gospel at Pence regarding his running mate: "From the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks." Pence just looked at Kaine like he'd reminded him to empty the dishwasher. There was zero enthusiasm. I don't care who you are -- if you start throwing Kander and Ebb lyrics at me, I'm gonna at least smile, maybe hum along. I'm not saying Pence doesn't truly believe in the faith he invokes so much. I just think he believes in being vice president more. Even if it means serving as vice president for the lead antagonist in Revelation.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

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Journamalism

Fraudy NC Election Pastor Man Sets Land-Speed Record Out Fire Door

Exit, stage-left even!

Mark Harris, the Baptist preacher turned Republican politician who "won" the fraud-soaked election for the US Congress in North Carolina's Ninth District, was in such a hurry to get away from local reporters that he fled a county building last night through an emergency exit, triggering a fire alarm. The state elections board refused to certify the outcome of the November race after credible allegations emerged that a skeevy contractor working for the Harris campaign had manipulated absentee ballots to throw the election to Harris over Democrat Dan McCready.

Naturally enough, when Harris showed up at the Charlotte Mecklenburg Government Center to address the Mecklenburg County Republicans last night, political reporters were keen to ask him how he was doing in his efforts to be accepted as the true winner -- just in case the answer had changed from NOT WELL. Instead, when journalism reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

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Crime

How To Write Badly About The Shutdown And Prison, By A Doctor Of Rhetoric

Today in 'People Who Should Know Better Write Stupid Shit Anyway.'

Just in case anyone was under the impression that the news media were "liberal," check out the recent wad of lame stories about the supposed irony -- or even injustice!!! -- of federal prisoners being fed one half-decent meal for Christmas while their guards went without pay. OMG shocking! Outrageous! Proof that Democrats love criminals! Or maybe proof that the correctional officers' union is really good at pumping a misleading narrative to media outlets that should know better. Still, because the media are fucking lazy, we were treated to a whole bunch of seriously bad takes implying that since Donald Trump shut down the government, then by golly, we shoulda cancelled Christmas dinner in prisons, even though it was budgeted and paid for long before December.

The pure awfulness of blaming prisoners for Donald Trump's shutdown was pointed out by Atlantic journalist Vann Newkirk in a good and pissed-off thread on Twitter:

And oh, criminy they're awful. According to NBC News, prisoners ATE LIKE KINGS, YUM!

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News

President Sh*tmouth. Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 8, 2019

Trump to make TV worse with prime time address, and the government shutdown gets worse. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Nickname Scandal Will Never Stop Never Stopping!

Just wait til James Hoft hears what Rafael Edward Cruz calls himself! Or Willard Romney!

James Hoft, the stupidest man on the internet, published an important follow-on to last week's revelation that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez actually went to the high school where she always said she went to high school. As you'll recall, that shocker revealed that not only did her parents move to a neighborhood where she could go to good schools when she was five, she also went by the nickname "Sandy" in high school, and is therefore a total fraud when she says she's "from the Bronx," where she was born. In an earth-shaking exposé published late last night, Hoft offered this astonishing revelation!!!!!! "EXCLUSIVE: Yorktown Elitist and Bronx Hoaxer Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Went by 'Sandy' Well into College at Boston U." Well then. Obviously, she'll have to resign from Congress now, since she's not the least bit ashamed of racistly calling Donald Trump a racist just because he's a racist.

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Post-Racial America

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Shockingly Claims Trump Is A Racist Based On Racist Things He's Said & Done His Entire Life

And Anderson Cooper is still in shock.

Anderson Cooper had Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on "60 Minutes" last night for some big boy journalism. Top of the list of probing questions for the "radical" congresswoman was her feelings about motherfucker-in-chief Donald Trump.

COOPER: "You don't talk about President Trump very much ... Why?"

AOC: "Because I think he's a symptom of a problem ... The president certainly didn't invent racism, but he's certainly given a voice to it, and expanded it, and created a platform for those things."

COOPER: "Do you believe President Trump is a racist?"

AOC: "Yeah, no question."

COOPER: "How can you say that?"

She was able to say this by manipulating her vocal chords to produce speech. Oh wait, was Cooper actually wondering how Ocasio-Cortez could say that Trump is a racist? That's just stupid. Nonetheless, Ocasio-Cortez patiently walks Cooper through Trump's presidential library of racism: "Here's 'fine people on both sides' in Charlottesville. Here are some 'son of a bitch' football players. Here are migrant children in baby jails. This is just the first floor. Did you get a snack? This could take a while."

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Post-Racial America

Trump Sits On A WALL OF LIES!

This is hell, isn't it?

We need WALL to protect us from SKEERY TERRORISTS! Or maybe we just need a memory device for a senile old idiot who can't remember his lines when he's whipping the pitchfork mob into a xenophobic frenzy. Yeah, it's probably that one. This weekend saw a wild collection of whoppers from the White House as the Trump Brain Trust dreamed up increasingly fantastical lies to justify the shutdown over WALLBUX. Let's run 'em down quick before the bastards barf out any more.

Lies, damn lies, and fabricated statistics!

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristjen Nielsen got the ball rolling on Friday with a bunch of hateful arglebargle in the Rose Garden, fearmongering about over 3000 "special interest aliens trying to come into the country on the southern border." Eeeek, special interest aliens. Be very afraid! Oh, wait, if you check out the fine print, it says that special interest aliens can be any person "from parts of the world where terrorism is prevalent, or nations that are hostile to the United States." So they're not actual criminals? Never mind then.

But Nielsen wasn't done! Since Chuck and Nancy refused to sit for her Nightmare On Mexico Street Powerpoint on Thursday, she's taking that scary immigrant story directly to the American people. CNN waded through the bullshit and factchecked that sucker. Spoiler Alert: Numbers at the southern border have a known liberal bias. You can counteract that by throwing global terrorism and migration stats into your report to make them look like they refer to a horde of zombies storming into El Paso. For instance if the Washington Post questions your totally made up statistic of $500 million paid to smugglers by southern border crossers annually, show 'em you're serious by upping that number to $2.5 billion worldwide. Fact check that one, nerds!

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Feminininism

How Sad! NRA Dudes Think There Is A World Where AOC Would Date Them.

There is not.

On Friday, Grant Stinchfield of NRAtv and literally nothing else, got all huffy about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her completely reasonable economic plan to tax earnings over $10 million at 70%, just like we did before the 1980s, when everything went to shit. She wants to stick it to rich people, who are great! and also she probably wants to take Grant Stichfields guns away!

Joining him in his bullshit was Jesse Kelly, of noted bad takes factory The Federalist, whose main contribution to the conversation was that he thought AOC was pretty hot and suggested that he totally wanted her to manic pixie dream girl his ugly Republican ass.

As if.

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Culture

Cussy Congresswoman Badass Making Chris Cillizza Cry :(

Chris Cillizza leading the parade!

The word on everybody's lips today is "motherfucker," which everyone hears at least once each Christmas while watching Die Hard. Brand-spanking new congresswoman Rashida Tlaib of Michigan used the word in public last night, and it's apparently an affront to common decency. Speaking of which, Donald Trump, the subject of Tlaib's scorn, uses foul language all the time. He's dismissed countries as "shitholes." He's been caught on tape boasting of grabbing women by their "pussies" and called Sally Yates a "cunt." There's also definitely, maybe recordings of Trump using a particular slur for black people that the editrix won't let me type here. It's possible that in the future, historians won't even bother referring to the 45th president by his birth name but will just call him "that motherfucker."

However, you can't beat Trump by joining him. That's the savvy political advice Chris Cillizza offered today. There are so many mediocre white guys out there coming for Rep. Tlaib that Cillizza's piece is a convenient one-stop shop for all the dumbest of dumb takes. When CNN wises up some wonderful day and fires his ass, Cillizza can just open up a "dumb take shop" in a small town where women don't swear or dance. Seriously, this motherfucker is always wrong, as we shall now demonstrate.

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popular

Bohemian Tucker Carlson So Sad You Feminazis Murdered All The Art

And science, and comedy.

Yesterday, we brought you news of Tucker Carlson's proclamation that women having jobs and getting paid to do those jobs has destroyed America, made everyone addicted to drugs, and sent everyone to prison.

This news also traveled to "The View," where all of the hosts and the audience collectively agreed that this was a very gross and stupid thing to say.

Tucker Carlson Suggests High-Earning Women Causing A Drop In Marriage | The View youtu.be

Abby Huntsman, who used to work with Carlson over on Fox and Friends, was simply shocked that he could be this sexist, as she has only known him to have a heart of gold.

"This is so different than the Tucker that I know. Anyone that's worked closely with him—he was so supportive of my career and wanted me to succeed. He's also a big proponent of marriage and families, that is probably the biggest thing for him, but he was always great to anyone he worked with, people of different backgrounds, immigrants. He loved helping them out. So if you know Tucker personally, you would say he has a heart of gold."

Ah, yes. Tucker Carlson. Known friend to women and immigrants everywhere.

Although the hosts of The View did not drag him quite as harshly as some of us might have, Tucker was still very unhappy to see a bunch of women question his wisdom so publicly. Thus, last night, Tucker went on a rant about how people disagreeing with him was the reason we didn't have any good comedy, art, or science anymore.

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Culture

New Congresswomen Dancing, Yelling And Cussing, Are Probably Witches

Reclaiming their time!

The Democrats took back the House Thursday with a rainbow coalition of young, brown, queer, and all-around awesome women. Republicans just can't handle it. Trey Gowdy even stumbled out of Congress yesterday like a drunk at last call.

The party of grumpy white men and Liz Cheney is especially flustered over New York's own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Republicans literally booed her on the House floor like she'd suggested they all go see "Holmes and Watson" later. They've really set their sights on "Sandy." Wednesday, Twitter user Dan Jordan, whose handle is "@realdanjordan" like he's someone anyone cares about, released devastating video of Ocasio-Cortez dancing. That's it. That's all she was doing. She was in college and participating in a meme that recreated the dance scene from The Breakfast Club. If the intent was to embarrass her, it failed. Although I think the country lost billions in productivity with everyone stopping to watch variations of the video, paired with an assortment of popular songs, multiple times.

It's not like Republicans haven't met any young people. Former House speaker and future hack lobbyist Paul Ryan was around Ocasio-Cortez's age when he joined the House. While plotting to starve grandmothers as a college frat boy, he was also a fan of Rage Against the Machine (the feeling was not mutual). It might seem like decades ago, but Republicans insisted it was unfair to hold the youthful indiscretions of a future Supreme Court justice against him. A young Brett Kavanaugh got into fist fights with blue-eyed soul singers and collected rape alibi calendars, but he at least had to decency to do this while white and male.

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Russia

ONE DOLLAR, BOB! Wonkagenda For Fri., Jan. 4, 2019

Nancy Pelosi starts the 116th Congress off with a bang, and Trump loves Vladimir Putin's revisionist history. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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popular

Tucker Carlson Wishes Women Would Stop Destroying America By Having Jobs

Will no one think of the men?

Women! We're always going on and on about how we'd like to get equal pay for equal work, how we want to be successful in our respective careers, how we want to be taken seriously. But do we ever consider how this might impact the menfolk? No, we do not, because that would be stupid.

But you know who has considered this? Tucker Carlson. In a recent segment on his show titled "MEN IN AMERICA," Carlson embraced his inner internet Men's Rights Activist and explained how now everyone is a drug addict or in jails because women not only had to go and have jobs, but have jobs that paid them money. More money, sometimes, than men were paid at their jobs. Can you imagine!

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