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Judd Nelson's Goatee Wins Oscar For Best Facial Rodent

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  • Your Earthquake of the Week is brought to you by the residents of eastern Turkey. [Xinhua]
  • It's International Women's Day. Have you bought a card and flowers for your favorite international woman? [CNN]
  • Men who have always longed to make love to a trash bag will be thrilled to hear that the city of Washington DC is handing out free female condoms. [Washington Post]
  • People actually voted in the Iraqi election, including Sunnis! [New York Times]
  • WHOOPS that American Al Qaeda guy nabbed in Pakistan over the weekend isn't a filthy Californian, but rather some guy from Pennsylvania. [Los Angeles Times]
  • "The Hurt Locker" won every Academy Award ever, in order to spite James Cameron. [New York Post]
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BREAKING ACHTUNG EVERYBODY CRY AND PANIC AND HAVE ROLLICKING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, BECAUSE ROBERT MUELLER DID THE THING.

We don't know what the thing means yet, but we know that he gave the thing to Attorney General Bill Barr, who is presumably looking at the thing right now. Donald Trump is at Mar-a-Lago, so he does not have the thing, because NO THING FOR ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENTS. Studies show that according to sources close to the investigation who may or may not be close to the investigation, we might have some real information on what is inside the thing sometime this weekend.

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Whatcha doin' down there at Mar-a-Lago, Mister Normal President Of America?

OK ... huh?

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