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Judge Resigns Following Accusations Of Flashing In Starbucks Toilet

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O fair Cocktober, ye slayer of perverts and porn-filth fans, ye scourge of bathroom goblins and peen-flashers! Today's Cocktober Update features a judge in Florida who was accused of showing off his man-parts in a Starbucks bathroom on the campus of the University of Miami.


Let's run down the relevant and once again sadly predictable details regarding the now former Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Douglas J. Chumbley:

  • Republican.
  • Bush appointee (Jeb).
  • Juvenile division.
  • Former high school teacher.
  • Married, two kids.

Here is a crazy prediction: within the next week, another Democrat you have never heard of will have to resign his elected position because he had sex with some lady who was not his wife. Concurrently, a married Republican political or law enforcement official with a special interest in protecting our nation's youth will be arrested for masturbating on a public playground wearing a Barney suit with the crotch cut out.

Accused of indecent exposure, Miami-Dade judge resigns [Miami Herald]

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CNN is suing Donald Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and others in an attempt to get Jim Acosta's press credentials restored. CNN attorneys argue that whatever lame excuse the White House fabricated about his beating an intern to death with a microphone, the real reason Trump suspended his White House pass was plain old not liking CNN's coverage, and that there is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment.

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Photo: Wikimedia Commons

LOVE AND MAWWIAGE! That is what brings us here today. More or less.

In fact, what brings us here today is Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp's herculean efforts to drag his ratfucking carcass across the gubernatorial finish line after disenfranchising a million of his constituents who wanted to elect Stacey Abrams. Like Prince Humperdinck shouting, "Man and Wife! Say Man and Wife!" Kemp insists that the vote tally MUST be certified tomorrow, whether the counting is finished or not. And if not, well, so much the better.

The part of Westley will be played today by Common Cause Georgia -- which makes perfect sense if you are a Millennial or Gen X-er. (And if not, apologies!) On November 5, Common Cause made a novel claim against the state of Georgia. They weren't saying that Kemp was deliberately ratfucking the voter data base himself. But they did argue that the insecurity of voter information guarded by the secretary of state violated voters' due process rights because anyone could break in and change the data.

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