Julian Assange Is Pretty Sure Hillary Killed A DNC Staffer Because The Internet Said So


It's sad to watch an old friend slip into dementia and begin to babble nonsense endlessly before withering away. You can try to reach out to them with an open hand, but you'll just be rejected as they fall further down the hole of senility. Of course you could also sell out and become the mouthpiece for conspiracy theorists and repressive regimes without putting forth much in the way of effort. We're inclined to believe that Julian Assange has opted for the latter.

Still struggling to maintain relevancy in a bustling media landscape that finds legitimate news stories slightly more appealing, Wikileaks is attempting to hop on the Trump Train, the Gary Johnson Short Bus, and the Jill Stein Fail Boat by introducing more garbage to the Internet trash pile. Wikileaks head Julian Assange's latest endeavour at scorching the Earth is the murder of Seth Rich, a DNC staffer who was murdered in what Washington D.C. police are calling a failed robbery.

Rich was walking home around 4 a.m. on July 10 when, according to the DC Metropolitan Police Department, he was attacked. He was on the phone with his girlfriend, according to his father, who says Rich had heard a noise, but was almost home. Rich's murder is currently still under investigation by the MPD, but that hasn't stopped the circus from barreling in to start drumming up bullshit.

Since he worked for the DNC's voter outreach initiatives, people jumped all over the idea that Killary Klinton hit squads had struck again. One of the most widely circulated pieces alleges that Rich had uncovered some secret smoking gun that proves Hillary Clinton's email traveled back in time to kill Vince Foster and sabotage Bernie Sanders, and that Rich had tried to blow a whistle. Instead of being met by the FBI at 4 a.m. on a Saturday in his own neighborhood (as, per the theory, he had thought he was doing), he was attacked by a hit team which escalated into a running gun battle with semi-automatic weapons fire.

The conspiracy crazies point to local news reports that state Rich's body was found with his phone, watch, wallet, cash and credit cards, and had bruises to his hands, knees, and face. Clearly this means Seth Rich had fought the law, and the law won.

Except that Rich was still breathing when MPD arrived on the scene, and a neighbor reported he only heard two gun shots fired. Also, Rich was involved with voter expansion, which is a fancy way of saying he helped people find their polling place. At 27, Rich had only been working for the DNC since 2014, making it unlikely he'd even have access to any high-level information that would document some kind of nefarious plot to install Hillary Clinton as empress of the Earth.

Add in the fact that the neighborhood where Rich lived has reported a spike in robberies and burglaries, in which robberies involving a gun are up 12 percent from last year, from 113 to 126 in the overall area.

MPD Map of Robberies involving a gun in a 1000ft area of 2100 block of Flagler Place.

MPD Stats of crimes in the 2100 block of Flagler Pl.

But since data and statistics can be faked, and the police are probably all in on the whole conspiracy, Assange has taken to the last free speech alternative in Western society to offer a bounty for information that shows the conspiracy cahoots (because it TOTALLY exists)!

While he waits for someone else to his dirty work, Assange has been blathering to any media outlet that will touch him. He was recently on a Dutch teevee news show fussing about all these other emails that prove Hillary Benghazi'd Benghazi and that he has an October Surprise in his pants. Oddly, this super special surprise has created an alliance between Assange and Roger Stone, who recently stated he had been in contact with Assange about documents pertaining to the Clinton Foundation.

Now disregard logic for a second and assume that D.C. didn't have gunfire locators, and that NOBODY saw a Michael Bay movie unfolding down a residential street just a few blocks from Howard University, two Metro stations, and a hospital. Forget about the fact that Clinton murder mystery science theater has been a debunked trope for 30 years, Assange has expressed his distaste of Clinton, that unsurprising revelation that Donald Trump gives him a gross ghost boner, and that Assange is being spoon-fed bullshit from Russia. What matters here are the facts.

[ Buzzfeed News / Snopes / Slate / NBC 4 ]

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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