You ain't my daddy, Mitch!

Stop the presses! Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch was right about a thing! Mitch McConnell's golden boy just told Jeff Sessions that he can't even deport anyone he wants for being "a criminal." WHOA IF TRUE! (It's totally true.)

Undoubtedly, President Baby Hands is rolling on the floor, banging his tiny fists in a fit of rage. Good luck White House staffers! Maybe try explaining the reasoning to him -- it's a bit dry, so he'll probably just drift off to sleep and you can leave him there on the carpet while you pour a shot of Jameson into your coffee and wonder if it was a good idea to sell your soul.

But no booze yet for the Wonkers, who are mentally and spiritually intact! Let's Lawsplore!

Defendant James Dimaya was a legal immigrant from the Philippines who had been in America since he was 13. California courts convicted him twice of burglary, in 2007 and 2009. The Immigration and Nationality Act (INA) allows for deportation of a legal immigrant if he is convicted of a "crime of violence," and the Obama Department of Homeland Security (DHS) initiated deportation proceedings against Dimaya in 2010.

"But wait," you are saying. "Is burglary really a crime of violence?"

That was mighty clever of you! The California Penal Code defines burglary as entering an inhabited building with the intent to steal something. It specifically includes tents, outhouses, and mines. So under DHS's interpretation of the INA, stealing a flashlight from your neighbor's tent is a crime of violence and appropriate grounds for deportation. Which is pretty harsh!

See, when Congress wrote a law that referred to "crimes of violence," without defining the term, it gave DHS sole discretion to decide what it meant. And that is not how due process works -- a reasonable person should be able to figure out whether he's breaking the law. Which is why Justice Scalia struck down a similar provision of the Armed Career Criminal Act (ACCA) in 2014, ruling that the undefined term "crime of violence" was "void for vagueness."

Don't think of it as telling Jeff Sessions to get fucked. This is more like a love note to Antonin Scalia. So simmer down, wingnuts. He's still your guy!

We said SIMMER DOWN! (And learn to read the damn case before riling up the nativist loons!)

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[Sessions v. Dimaya / Reason]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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