Kerry-Edwards Under the Stars

Wonkette's liberal media elite operative writes with a first person account of last night's attempt by the Dems to "rock" the "vote." Warning: You will be rocked.

Just arrived at the Kerry-Edwards gala circle jerk at Radio City Music Hall. Crowd is a mix of high-toned Hamptons crowd discussing real estate and melanomas, and young 20-something staffers and professionals in business garb talking animatedly about Edwards and "energy." And college-aged cute things who surely didn't pay their way in. A lot of people seem to think that everyone should know them, but nobody does. (The threshold for "famous-for-New-York being somewhat higher than for DC equivalents.) Seen no genuine celebs yet.

Finally made it my seat (cheap and high, and a steal at 5Cs). Perusing the progam, note that they've decided to go with the infelicitous text for the evening of "A Change Is Going to Come" -- priming the crowd for the inevitable flop after the flip?

Kerry and Edwards emerge to cheers, stand mute, wade into the luxe seats -- Teresa must have bought -- and sit down.

 Jon Bon Jovi emerges and starts singing from a box off on the side, eventually moseys to the stage and sings a bombastic version of "It's My Life".  Chevy Chase, looking like an aged, skinner Dick Cheney with a Guiliani combover, came on wearing a handcuff and made a lame Ken Lay joke.  Jessica Lange, looking yummy, said something positive about the ticket, but she had me at “hello.”  Wyclef Jean and Mary J. Blige blew the socks off the place, interpolating a trio of Brooklyn teens who did Kelly-themed doo-wop.  Paul Newman looked great, wowed the older chicks, spoke about tax cuts and admitted to being a traitor to his class; undoubtedly lots of popcorn sold.  Sarah Jessica Parker, looking more mature but less sexy, said something perky; John Leguizamo praised the Jews(?!).  Dave Matthews wowed the younger set while playing elevator music, said he hoped the rest didn’t find his music “too dangerous.”  (Too dangerous!  These punks don’t know what dangerous music IS!)

Meryl Streep got herself lost in Gesthemene while trying to explain what Jesus didn’t instruct the Bush campaign to say; Whoopi Goldberg went blue by talking about restoring “bushes” to their proper place of respect in American life.  (She and Meryl could have gotten together with a cross-metaphorical burning bush, but whatever.)  John Mellencamp, joined by Bon Jovi, rocked out pretty good, and then John Fogerty brought down the house with “Fortunate Son.”

 Only 2 days on, Kerry and Edwards are already into set stump speeches.  Edwards goes first, donning the proverbial kneepads to praise Kerry to the sky; Kerry reciprocates with lots of homoerotic hugs.  But the real rhetorical highlights were provided by the wives.  Teresa speaks earnestly, if a bit condescendingly; Elizabeth, on the other hand, shares her husband’s common touch and, it sounds like, Hillary’s brains.

All in all, and despite lack of ass-fucking, good time had.

Now to bed.  Must get up early to rape and pillage for corporate America!

PS Vanessa Kerry wore her black dress.  Couldn’t see her tits, though.


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