Khalid Shaikh Mohammed Confesses to Everything Ever
Kalid Shaikh Mohammed was captured by the US in 2003, tortured by the CIA in a secret prison for a while, then shipped to Guantamo to stand lawyerless before a military tribunal that would determine if he was fit to stand before another military tribunal.
So we're not entirely sure if we buy that he's responsible for all 31 plots he mentioned (helpfully listed here by the New York Times).
Our expurgated list, after the jump.
* The 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
* The 9/11 attacks, from A to Z.
* The shoe bomber operation to down two American planes.
* Planning to bomb the Panama Canal.
* Planning to assassinate several former American presidents, including President Carter.
* Stock market crash of 1929.
* Sinking of the Maine, Lusitania.
* Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes' fatal car accident.
* Suckiness of second Star Wars trilogy.
* Bruce Springsteen's career-long failure to get a number 1 single.
* Turned Mark Foley gay.
* Nuclear crisis leading to ascendence of superintelligent apes.
Ok, you caught us, we made a couple up. We should've known you wouldn't believe that anyone would ever bother to assassinate Jimmy Carter.