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Ok, people, time to turn the snark off for just a little bit. We have some GOOD news to report. The Nobel Peace Prize winners were announced. We’re guessing that recent events took the Palin family out of consideration, so the Nobel Committee decided to honor the most amazingist 17-year-old on the planet, Malala Yousafzai:


Malala Yousafzai, who has emerged as a global spokeswoman for the rights of children after her long recovery, was awarded the prize just a day after the second anniversary of the attack on her in Pakistan’s Swat Valley.

We’ve written about Malala before, and every time we read about her, we are more and more amazed. Remember how she got shot in the head by Taliban extremists for the horrific crime of wanting girls to go to school? SHOT IN THE HEAD, PEOPLE! And to quote us:

And you know what she did? She said FUCK YOU TALIBAN, I’M GONNA LIVE. And she did. And she recovered, because she is a fucking badass chick. And did she stop her campaign for girls’ rights? Hellz no.

She has continued to campaign for the rights of girls for years, despite continuous threats on her life. In fact, she shamed us all by calling for the education of the children of the men who shot her. Because she is a better person than all of us put together.

She is literally putting her life on the line every day to make the world better, and we can’t think of a more deserving recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Except maybe the guy who co-won the prize with her, Kailash Satyarthi. Here’s his awesomeness:

Satyarthi has fought against child labor for more than two decades and is credited with helping free tens of thousands of children from harsh working conditions and other forms of forced labor, including in the carpet industry and traveling circuses popular in India.

Global child labor has seen a decrease by tens of millions since 2000, but there are still 168 million child laborers in the world. And don’t think that Satyarthi has had an easy time being a noble crusader:

That work has prompted a backlash. There have been attempts on Satyarthi’s life, and his home was ransacked and his office in New Delhi set on fire in 1994.

The fact that the award was given to a Muslim girl from Pakistan and a Hindu man from India was not lost on the Nobel Committee:

By awarding the prize to two advocates for children — one Indian, the other Pakistani — the committee hoped to send a powerful message not only about children’s rights, but also about its hopes for peace on the South Asian subcontinent. In recent days, the two nations have exchanged fire over a disputed border region in some of the most serious clashes in years.

Good thing stuff like child labor only happens in far-away countries. We all know that the U.S.America is the free-est country in the world and we would never stand for child labor. Except for that we do because WHAT THE FUCK:

Obama’s agriculture secretary proposed a rule change in 2011 that would have kept children under 16 from working in tobacco fields, but then withdrew it after complaints from industry groups and Republican lawmakers, who recognize the value of hard work (and nicotine poisoning for 13-year-olds).

But the rights of girls, we are way better at that. Sure, there is a gender pay gap here. And sure, Republicans tried their best to tank the Violence Against Women Act. But internationally, we are good, right? Seriously, if there were some sort of International Violence Against Women Act, our Congress would pass that in a heartbeat, right? Haha, that bill has been introduced in every Congress since 2008 and still hasn’t passed.

Maybe if John Boehner had as much courage as a 17-year-old girl, Congress could help make the world a little better.

[Washington Post / Wonkette / Wonkette / Photo from Vital Voices]

 

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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