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Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW.


CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! Oh, we are just joshing, nobody wants Kim Davis crucified. (OR DO WE?) Wingnuts, though? Remember that time they lost their whole country in the span of a week, because gay marriage was legalized and the Confederate flag came down? Well, they've lost it again! NO COUNTRY FOR STUPID WINGNUTS, that's what we like to say. And they are good and damn sure that a judge putting Kentucky clerk Kim Davis in jail for failing to do HER EFFING JOB is just the beginning of the persecution and the Holocaust and getting ISIS-ed right in their fundamentalist Christian shame buttholes. Because this is the sad thing about wingnuts: They think we care about them enough to actively persecute them. Awwww. The sad truth is that decent Americans are more than happy to abide these dumbasses in our midst, for entertainment purposes mostly, as long as they follow the law. How simple is that?

Apparently not that simple. Set the tone for us, pretend news source run by quisling closet homosexual ("allegedly"):

Remember what A Idiot Mike Huckabee was being about this? He said this morning nobody even knows what marriage law is in the United States anymore, due to how (he believes) the Supreme Court ruling isn't valid unless Congress changes the law. Also he wishes he could get in the shower with teenage girls, and Josh Duggar's diddle fingers are washed by the blood of Jesus, yep, he's just a great person to get opinions from these days.

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He's very Sadpants right now:

Before Davis was even sent to the gulags, her dipshit Liberty Counsel "lawyer" Mat Staver said this was just like the Holocaust, which makes TOTAL SENSE, except replace "six million Jews" with "one adulteress hick lady" and replace "death" with "case of the butthurt." IT'S THE SAME, SHUT UP. Here are Staver's words:

Does that mean that if you’re Christian, don’t apply here; if you’re a Jew, you gotta get — what happened in Nazi Germany, what happened there first, they removed the Jews from government public employment, then they stopped patronizing them in their private businesses, and then they continued to stigmatize them, then they were the ‘problems,’ then they killed them. The fact of the matter is, she has a right to this employment and you don’t lose your constitutional liberties just because you are employed by the government.

Staver also says it's not fair to say Davis isn't doing her job, because "The job duty was changed!" Yep, that's how it works, in the American workplace. Your boss says, "Hey I need you to do this new thing," and you just say, "Well, let me talk to Jesus about whether that's a thing I want to do, because I'm pretty sure that's not in my job description?" Let's be clear: If Kim Davis wasn't fucking lucky ducky enough to hold public office, she wouldn't be in jail right now, because her boss would have canned her stupid ass MONTHS ago.

Now that Davis has been condemned by Pontius Pilate, Liberty Counsel is reacting in a measured, sane way:

Poor things, still laboring under the delusion that even the majority of Christians think like they do. Sorry, fuck-sicles, everyday Christians are getting pretty supportive of the gays. They see your future, relegated to KKK status in the American mind, and they want no part of it. :(

Here's unemployable Liberty Counsel pity hire and founder of Barbwire.com, Matt Barber. He's not being dramatic or anything:

Fox News spokeswimp and suspected pee enthusiast Todd Starnes is saying much of the same:

Only the ones who willingly break the law, dicksnot! This also goes for Jews, Muslims, atheist commiesexuals, lesbigators, and again, suspected pee enthusiasts. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU, TODD!

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Already-failed presidential candidate Rand Paul, who has already said SO MANY STUPID WORDS ON THIS, said more stupid words about it on CNN, as he watched Kim Davis carrying her cross to fucking Calvary:

“I think it’s absurd to put someone in jail for exercising their religious liberty,” Paul told CNN’s Brianna Keilar. “You know if you want to convince people that same-sex marriage is something that’s acceptable, I would say try to persuade people. But you know, if we’re going to use the federal government, and get involved in every state, locality, you know what’s going to happen? It’s going to harden people’s resolve on this issue. They’ll be no open-mindedness on this, and I think its a real mistake to be doing this. I think what’s going to happen as a result of this, is states and localities are going to opt out of the marriage business completely.”

Oh, Rand. We are so tired of your mouth. People are ALREADY CONVINCED that same-sex marriage is acceptable. A solid majority of Americans has supported marriage equality for a few years now! We're not at the "convincing" stage anymore, babydoll. We're at the THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING LAW OF THE LAND AND YOU'D BETTER FOLLOW IT, YOU DIPSHITS stage. Honest mistake, we know.

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Some wingnuts are just confused. Like look at poor idiot rightwing radio host Dana Loesch. She doesn't seem to know whether she's supposed to support Davis or not, but she's got ONE gotcha for everybody! Did you know Kim Davis is a Democrat? And that means she's a leftist, right? That means the liberals just jailed one of their own! QED BITCHES WHY IS MY PILL CUPBOARD EMPTY?!?!

Dana Loesch Twitter Shart, Part One:

 

Like, ha ha ha, LOL, like, do you see what Dana did there? 'Cause she's a Democrat! Did you hear Dana's joke, everybody? She's, like, a Democrat!

Dana Loesch Twitter Shart, Part Two:

LOLZ! Put that in YOUR Kaboodle and smoke it, Heather! You just got served by Dana!

Anyway, the southern Democrats who hail from the backwoods of Kentucky and similar places are basically Republicans who haven't gotten the message that the parties switched places in the '60s, and the bigots are supposed to be on the red team. Most of them vote Republican in national elections. The question, as usual: Is Dana Loesch so stupid she doesn't know this, or is it just that her wingnut followers are that stupid? The answer, as usual: Both, probably.

Anyway, this is getting long, so let's just slam through like two more things. Erick Son Of Erickson makes the creative joke that "Kim Davis is in jail and Hillary Clinton is running for President. Unreal." Misogynistic pencil dicked wingnut Matt Walsh makes the entirely unrelated joke that "If you think Kim Davis should be in prison but Hillary should be in the White House, you're either an obtuse buffoon or a dishonest buffoon." Not sure who sucked that joke out of whose cock, but it's there.

Bryan Fischer is yammering like a fucking crybaby on his radio show -- oh look, he's circle-jerking with the aforementioned suspected pee enthusiast! -- and we're sure it's just great, but we'll just leave the butthurt fundamentalists of America with this comforting thought:

Contempt of court for failing to follow judges' (plural!) orders is actually a thing, even if they're laws you don't like. We're sorry. If you don't like it, GO BACK TO MEXICO. Or go somewhere else. We just don't care.

Oh sorry, was that not comforting? Whoops.

[Right Wing Watch / JoeMyGod / Right Wing Watch also, too / Buzzfeed via Salon]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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