Late Liveblogging Of Only The Most Important Speech Ever
Hey, HERE'S A HINT: when you go to get a lemonade at Invesco Field, don't leave your bag in your seat, because the SECRET SERVICE will take it. LIVEBLOG. OBAMA. NOW.
10:30 -- Oh you don't even care anymore, with your precious Al Gore liveblog.
10:34 -- What's been going on in this 950-minute speech? Guess what... we think he's about halfway through. Snooze.
10:35 -- Oh look, we made it for the standard "5 million green collar jobs" line that has been in every speech of this terrible Democratic convention.
10:37 -- God, he is constantly talking about his mother with cancer tonight. The question is, did she have it for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS? Otherwise, John McCain is more of a maverick.
10:38 -- Protect bankruptcy laws! Which Joe Biden shat all over a few years ago!
10:39 -- He wants his fathers... to have the same opportunities... as your sons. How about this: Just Say No to old people.
10:40 -- You heard him, folks: turn off your teevees, or he'll bat you with his hopecock.
10:41 -- "Temperament" should be used in every speech against McCain. Nice that people are learning this.
10:42 -- "The president must not keep grasping the ideas of the past." Meaning Barack Obama was against the Iraq war before it started, in the future.
10:43 -- "We are the party of Kennedy. Don't tell me that Democrats won't protect this country." But doesn't he know that Democrats became gay and black in 1968 or so?
10:44 -- He will start new friendships or something, around the world. Slut. But really, who are these new friends?
10:45 -- Line about how candidates should not challenge each other's patriotism, and a reporter in this media filing room clapped. It is a terribly liberal media, this. Oh wait, he's just some asshole in a tee shirt and Nikes. Huh. How did this asshole get in the filing room? How did we get in here while we're targets of the Secret Service? These questions, and more. Obama! He is talking like what.
10:47 -- "Don't tell me we can't stop people from holding AK-47s." We can't stop people from holding AK-47s.
10:49 -- He wants gays to be allowed entry into hospitals. Whoa whoa whoa... one thing at time there, changebot.
10:50 -- "This election has never been about me -- it's about you." Ooh, so if he wins, then we get to press the special red nuking button. I call first MOTHAFUCKA, and I'm nuking like Greenland or Spain or what the fuck.
10:51 -- Change means new politics. This must be a last minute thought, just thrown in before he walked onto the stage, because it's JUST THAT FRESH.
10:53 -- He is just repeating shit. And yes, it is "the American spirit" that keeps foreigners "coming to our shores." Coming to our shores and 9/11ing us!
10:55 -- He's talking about a famous preacher from the past, Jeremiah Wright.
10:56 -- That was kind of an anticlimactic end. But uh, it sounded nice, if people paid attention to the whole thing, which they didn't. God this is seriously the biggest stadium of all time. Now Ken and Sara and I will take the 3-hour commute back to our car that is 2.4 miles away.
God bless YOU, Wonkette readers. With your help, Wonkette will bring America *six* million new green collar jobs.