And our old pal Larry Klayman is back for the assist.
WHY IS JOE ARPAIO STILL HERE? After the people of Maricopa County finally kicked his flabby ass to the curb, after he won a whopping 18 percent in the GOP primary for Jeff Flake's seat, after all the horrible shit he did and still managed to grift himself a pardon, why has he not vanished in a puff of acrid, sulfurous smoke?
But Sheriff Joe has not vanished. He's like a case of drug-resistant TB, and we'll never cough him up. He and his lawyers are currently hacking globs of phlegm at the New York Times, which had the temerity to say that Arpaio is a racist nutbag who ran a jail where a whole lot of people died. So Arpaio and lawyer-to-the-loons Larry Klayman are suing the Times for $147,500,000 in punitive damages over an August 29, 2018, editorial by Michelle Cottle titled, "Well, At Least Joe Arpaio Isn't Going To Congress."
That seems like kind of a random number. Were they just eating rancid bologna leftover from Sheriff Joe's "concentration camps" and hallucinated it? Where on earth would they come up with $147,500,000?
WAIT FOR IT ...
We are fresh blank slates now, like a newborn babe.
There is something very wrong with Carter Page. Maybe it's not right to laugh at someone so dimwitted that he files a pro se suit against the DNC and its lawyers alleging RICO and RICO conspiracy. There's a good reason that the Russians overlooked his willingness to become an asset because NYET, TOO STUPID. Put simply, the guy's a Froot Loop.
And yet, we just read that dipshit's entire complaint and we're suing him for battery and damage to property after we smashed our laptop banging our head into it. No, we're not literally suing -- we're not A IDIOT like Carter Page. But he subjected us to this fuckery, so he deserves what he gets!
But let's take a guess!
Shut the front door, y'all! Donald Trump's legal team finally did something RIGHT! According to CNN, the president's real lawyers negotiated with Robert Mueller to provide written answers to a limited list of questions. So Donald Trump won't be forced to commit all the perjuries because he is constitutionally incapable of NOT LYING while making words with his mouth. (Which is not a perjury trap, goddammit!)
The questions are focused on matters related to the investigation of possible collusion between Trump associates and Russians seeking to meddle in the 2016 election, the sources said. Trump's lawyers are preparing written responses, in part relying on documents previously provided to the special counsel, the sources said.
"We are in continuing discussions with the special counsel and we do not comment on those discussions," said Trump attorney Jay Sekulow.
He said, with one hand clamped firmly over Rudy Giuliani's mouth. Probably.
They are talking about Donald Trump and his fraudy old dad!
STOP THE PRESSES! Donald Trump and his entire family are a pack of cheating grifters!
Okay, that's hardly news to anyone with an IQ above slime mold. But when the New York Times accuses the sitting president of tax fraud on a massive scale -- and doesn't call it, say, "skilled and lawyerly manipulation of a vague tax code" -- you know they've got the receipts. Here's the first line:
President Trump participated in dubious tax schemes during the 1990s, including instances of outright fraud, that greatly increased the fortune he received from his parents, an investigation by The New York Times has found.
GAME ON! Trump's asshole lawyer Charles Harder -- the one who shut down Gawker for Hulk Hogan and sued the Daily Mail for Melania -- can shout about defamation, and the family can shed crocodile tears about the honor of their dear, sweet, dead relatives.
The president's brother, Robert Trump, issued a statement on behalf of the Trump family:
"Our dear father, Fred C. Trump, passed away in June 1999. Our beloved mother, Mary Anne Trump, passed away in August 2000. All appropriate gift and estate tax returns were filed, and the required taxes were paid. Our father's estate was closed in 2001 by both the Internal Revenue Service and the New York State tax authorities, and our mother's estate was closed in 2004. Our family has no other comment on these matters that happened some 20 years ago, and would appreciate your respecting the privacy of our deceased parents, may God rest their souls."
But Times reporters David Barstow, Susanne Craig, and Russ Buettner got their hands on a whole stack of of Fred Trump's shady books, and they're stabbing a knife in whatever's left of Trump's nonsense about being a financial wizard who built a real estate empire using just his own Big Brain and Very Best Words.
You should read the article for its brilliant takedown of the myth of Donald Trump, Self-Made Billionaire. And Showtime has a documentary on the piece airing Sunday. But let's break down some of the more complicated financial bits here -- because Yr Wonkette is service-y like that.
ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!
Gather 'round, kids! Let's talk about how institutions like Yale Law School spin a protective cocoon around powerful men like Judge Kavanaugh, forming mutually beneficial relationships to reinforce everyone's power and prestige.
Meet Amy Chua, professor at Yale Law School and author of the bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, in which she repurposes her own childhood trauma and sells it to Americans as this ONE WEIRD TRICK to ensure that your kids play at Carnegie Hall and go to an Ivy League college.
And he does not have time for your shit!
On second thought, Michael Cohen would like to fold, please. He's tapping out. Crying UNCLE. Invoking the slaughter rule. Sorry guys, he hears his Mom calling him home for dinner.
Except Your Boyfriend Michael Avenatti has Michael Cohen pinned down and wants to keep kicking him in the dick. Because two-bit bagmen should really, REALLY not pick fights with superstar litigators.
Last week, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump told a federal court in California that they were going to do Stormy Daniels a big favor and forget all about that Hush Money Agreement she signed 11 days before the 2016 presidential election. She's free to tell the world about that time she bumped uglies with Donald Trump and spanked him with his own cover photo. They'll even throw in a promise to withdraw from the Arbitration Agreement. Whatever.
Or if your wife is a hot blond. That's just the law.
Coffee boy's spilling the beans on Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions! Here's the money shot from Trumpland lackey George Papadopoulos's Sentencing Memo submitted Friday by his defense lawyers.
Eager to show his value to the campaign, George announced at the meeting that he had connections that could facilitate a foreign policy meeting between Mr. Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin. While some in the room rebuffed George's offer, Mr. Trump nodded with approval and deferred to Mr. Sessions who appeared to like the idea and stated that the campaign should look into it.
So all those times that Trump and Sessions said they never wanted nothing to do with no Russians no how -- LIES. They were always DTF with Putin and his pals, and the March 31, 2016, meeting was just the beginning!
We're calling bullshit on this one.
With people nervously gnawing their nails down to the bone as the 2018 midterms rapidly approach, election hacking has (finally) become a concern. Unfortunately, the DOJ doesn't think it has the legal authority to prosecute anyone even if they're caught hacking a voting machine. We're not what you'd call "experts," but we're pretty damn sure that's not Obama meant when he said, "elections have consequences."
Is Perry Mason available?
IT'S NOT FAIR! Jared gets a hotter wife and a hotter lawyer? What does Abbe Lowell see in that pasty-faced kid anyway? And how come all the fancy lawyers are always washing their hair when Donald Trump calls? Don't they know it's a great honor to work for the president?
Whatever! There are like, so many lawyers who want to represent Donald Trump, you don't even know! Younger lawyers from better schools than Don McGahn. Trump can't tell you their names yet, but you'll find out soon. Pleaseohplease let it be Judge Jeanine!
Oh, but we are silly today! (To keep from crying as we watch POTUS lose his goddamn mind on Twitter, HFS.)
News of White House Counsel Don McGahn's imminent departure leaked yesterday, so naturally President Blabberthumbs hopped on the tweetmachine to shout repeatedly I'M THE ONE DOING THE DUMPING, HE DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH ME!
Trump was getting the shakes, but he's better now. Ready to get back out there and obstruct some justice!
Sure we're barreling toward a catastrophic Constitutional crisis -- but these two bastards are going to sell a lot of books! Knowing that Donald Trump parks his ass on the sofa for 12 hours a day to mainline Fox News and livetweet his nervous breakdown, Lou Dobbs and Gregg Jarrett brought the good shit last night! Poppy needs his fix, so Lou and Gregg are turning that studio into a shooting gallery. Wooohooo, time to burn the whole Justice Department DOWN!
Incredible. We can't believe it. LITERALLY.
HFS, this week! All the pieces are falling into place, aren't they? Manafort got convicted, Cohen pleaded guilty to violating campaign finance laws on Trump's order, David Pecker's flipping, and now we find out that Allen Weisselberg, who's done Trump's books for forty years, was just granted immunity by federal prosecutors.
Which leads us back to a question that's been nagging us. What the hell is this from yesterday's Times story about Pecker flipping?
The Trump Organization did not immediately respond to a request for comment. Alan Futerfas, an outside lawyer for the organization, also did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
When did Alan Futerfas become a lawyer for the Trump Organization? A year ago, when Futerfas was hired to represent Don Junior personally, we assumed that the only attorney willing to take that weaselface's money was a mob lawyer out of New York.
He didn't say he was going to. He was JUST ASKING.
They're not subtle, are they? This week, Donald Trump did everything but dance naked outside Paul Manafort's courthouse in Alexandria holding a sign that said, PAULY, HANG TIGHT! YOU'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! He's not just dangling that pardon, he's grabbing it by the ....
(It's been a long week.)
Probably better than America deserved.
Far be it from Your Wonkette to hold back from snarking, but ... let's acknowledge that the Manafort jury did a good job. Yes, even with the one dimwitted holdout who prevented a unanimous guilty verdict on all 18 counts.
And as much as we wanted to make fun of the Trump-loving juror who went on Fox News to tell her story last night, we just can't. This lady kept an open mind, followed the evidence, stayed off the internet, and took her obligation seriously. This is how the American justice system is supposed to work.
Yeah, we said it!
It's time to start using the "C" word. It may be rude. It may be vulgar. People may give you the stink-eye or ask you to leave the Wendy's drive in. But this is a giant fucking conspiracy, and we need to call it what it is.
(And it's got nothing to do with Russia. Probably.)
Legally speaking, a conspiracy is an agreement between two or more people to intentionally commit an illegal act, plus some overt act toward furthering the agreement. Here, let the prosecutors from the Southern District of New York (SDNY) introduce you to the people involved in the conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws and saddle the country with a senile Oompa Loompa-in-Chief.
Dis gon be gooooooood.
Michael Cohen, THIS IS YOUR LIFE! All wrapped up in one 22-page filing in a federal court in Manhattan. And if we've all sobered up from yesterday's GOP GOTHEFUCKTOJAILGHAZIGATE, it's time to get all up in this criminal information like a turkey in Trump's mom's puss.
Glove up kids, we're goin' in!
You'll be setting off Geiger counters for the rest of your miserable life.
Poor, sad Don McGahn just wants his old life back. He wants to go back to his job at a fancy law firm where he commands the respect and salary that is the birthright of every tall, weak-chinned white guy in good standing with the Federalist Society. He wants to engage in a little partisan ratfuckery, safe in the knowledge that he can go to Whole Foods without some lady in a diamond tennis bracelet -- someone who looks just like him -- yelling that he's destroying the country. And most of all, he'd like to be free of the nagging fear that the whole edifice is going to come crumbling down on top of him, and he'll be hauled in front of Congress for Watergate-style hearings, remembered forever for his role in the scandal that brought down the Republican party.
Sorry, Don! You pays your money, and you takes your chances.
McGahn is currently trying to thread the world's tiniest needle, loudly proclaiming his loyalty to a vindictive loon who lashes out at perceived enemies, while simultaneously telegraphing to Mueller that he himself was not involved in anything illegal. And would it be too much to ask if he could just come out of this without the radioactive taint that forces him to spend the rest of his professional life in the conservative welfare ghetto? (Spoiler alert: LOL, good luck with that.) So when you read some puff piece quoting "sources close to McGahn" saying that the poor guy is just trying to be a loyal soldier while keeping his nose clean, you can take that with several large grains of salt.
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