Learn ABC's 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!

Learn ABC's 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!

Mass shootings! It is like, they are everywhere, lol! And when someone comes at you with 14 guns and 5,000 rounds of ammunition right after they got out of prison for murdering their wife and inlaws, because seeing if someone is a law abiding citizen before selling them weapons discriminates against people who are law abiding citizens (MATH SCIENCE OF WORDS!), well, you are probably going to die! Hey what can you do, right?

Well, according to ABC "News," there are 11 things you can do, because it is ever so much easier to survive a mass shooting than it is to do something about it that poll unskewer Heidi Heitkamp's constituents do not like.

One of the things ABC says to do is run.

Then it says to hide.

Then there are four different ones out of 11 telling you to fight, so we feel like maybe this should have been Eight Weird Tricks?

So this is a pretty fucking stupid list! Let us see if we can come up with some better tips for how not to die in a mass shooting!

  • Tell the mass shooter he has a small pecker. He will start arguing with you and then crying instead of shooting you.
  • Tell the mass shooter you were just on your way out to the car to get your own semiautomatic weapon, that is such a weird coincidence, this place needs some fuckin' shootin', huh? Maybe you guys can get coffee after? Try to look like you were in fact about to shoot some people.
  • Give him some meth and read him The Purpose-Driven Life.
  • Don't be a woman, or an adorable child, or a human being going about his business.

Cool, and now you are only mostly dead.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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