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They're not all dead inside, YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE.


Over the last seven days, the Earth continued to revolve and the Sun, regrettably, did not swallow up the planet, which means (a) Donald Trump is even more dangerously close to being the leader of the free world and (b) we are stuck recapping this new Duggar show again this week. We hate it here.

[contextly_sidebar id="Em6JaWwgWVTeTmjnedmcvXFfWtbz3pNi"]To refresh your recollection, last week we learned that both Jill and Jessa made squashy babies like God intended, Josh is still in sex rehab for being a gross pedophile pervert (at least as of that taping), and none of these Duggars know how to cook.

The improbably and terribly named Spurgeon is six weeks old now. Spurgeon status: still squashy.

We get some really insightful discussion from Ben and Jessa about how when you have your own baby, you have to take care of it and your mom will not. Whoa, if true.

Jessa is off to see her friend Sierra, who has already squeezed out five babies, all of whom are under five years old. This is literally our idea of hell. Jessa seems terrified of this but also aspires to it. Jessa needs better life goals.

Sierra is as blandly semi-pretty as the Duggar girls, except blonde.

Sierra's husband is as semi-not-attractive as the Duggar boys and the spouses of Duggar ladies.

They also have a squashy baby the same age as Spurgeon. Man, is there a Quiverfull factory somewhere pumping these people out? Also, what do these people actually do for a living? They never seem to be at the office, or at McDonalds, or teaching a course at community ed on how to stay pregnant and stay grifty.

Cue a montage of Jessa and Sierra being pregnant together. Blergh.

[contextly_sidebar id="1ghzfZc4bj35iRzqoh5o0ZVlNHa8dtZB"]Everyone is going to Central America! Or, more accurately, some undefined chunk of Duggars are going. They're going to do "mission work," of course. Josiah, which we think is one of the medium-sized Duggar brothers, explains that Derick and Jill are giving up so much to be in Central America because they don't speak English there and Central America is scary. No, really, that is pretty much what he says. We also have to interview Jana about how terrifying Central America is. These people are the worst.

The Duggars are packing up giant duffel bags of Christmas presents, because people in Central America do not get Christmas gifts. So, basically, the Duggars are Band-Aid, except less attractive and more Jesus-y.

Also, can someone factcheck whether or not Central Americans exchange Christmas gifts? Lots of those countries are Catholic as fuck, and last time we checked, Catholics were pretty into celebrating Christmas.

The presents are...backpacks? That is a lame gift. Central Americans probably hate you guys.

Jana is visiting Jessa so they can talk about home improvement. Oh god, they are going to have some wacky remodeling time, aren't they?

Jana has seen the menfolk do things so she is super-equipped to do this. She also knows how to paw at her phone to look up ideas on Pinterest, so she is basically a general contractor already.

One of the boy Duggar spawn explains that Jana will be good at home improvement because once she helped birth a calf. We do not think the Duggars understand what home improvement is.

There is a brief interlude where the producers bug Jana about when she is going to get married and start pumping out babies. Jana is 26, so she is basically an old maid/crone/lesbian by Duggar standards. We suspect the producers care because another Duggar marriage and baby-making equals another Duggar show. In the meantime, Jana is going to figure out where to put some additional light fixtures in Jessa's house.

One of the Duggar girls is going to get glasses. Which one is this again? Maybe Joy-Anna?

So wait. She's driving to get glasses, because she needs glasses, and she doesn't yet have glasses. Safety last, Duggar children.

Joy-Anna is incapable of deciding on what glasses to wear, so she has to FaceTime Jill to help her decide. Good Lord. You FaceTimed someone in Central America to ask what glasses to buy. That is an epic level of learned helplessness.

Time to load the lame backpack gifts into the DuggarMobile so that some Duggars can go to Central America. Jessa is sad that she can't go, but perhaps squashy Spurgeon is too young to travel.

Yet another discussion of how terrifying Central America is. Do we even know which Central American country the Duggars are god-bothering? Do they think Central America is a country? Oh god, they probably do.

Back to home improvement time. Ben astutely notes that in order to install new light fixtures, they will have to cut holes for the fixtures, wire the lights, and run the wires to their light switches. Ben is a goddamn genius. He seems to stand around a lot while whichever Jesus friends who have stopped by do all the work. Huh. Maybe Ben is actually pretty smart.

FaceTime from Central America! Looks like they've sent Jim Bob and Michelle down to unsafe Central America. This show is doing a pretty good job of keeping Jim Bob and Michelle out of the picture, which we suspect might be totally deliberate. Please do not pay attention to the creepy Duggars or the rape-y Duggars, America! There is a new generation of slightly less creepy and rape-y Duggars!

Oh hey did you know Central America is very dangerous? It is! But the people are very kind and gracious and great and there is so much gross white savior subtext going on here it is almost unbearable.

Meanwhile, back at home, Ben has to crawl around in the attic to help install the lights, and he is whining about it. Ben is kind of a little baby. The lights work! Jana flips the lights on and off in case we don't understand how lights work.

Ben and Jessa are going on their very first date since the squashy baby emerged. Of course the baby is coming along though. You'd think one of the one million other Duggars could babysit.

They are bringing nine diapers. And an extra outfit or two. Where the hell are they going? Central America?

Haha close! They are going to someplace called Tacos4Life, which also provides meals for, you guessed it, children in Central America. It looks like a low-rent Chipotle and the date looks classy as fuck, of course, because that is how the Duggars do.

Would you like to see an EXTREME CLOSE UP of how messy tacos are and how messy Ben is while eating them? This show thinks you do.

How much do you think the Duggars get paid to slobber over Jesus Tacos on camera? Probably more than blogging, right?

Jill and Jessa explain that they are going to start looking into adoption. Huh. Are they incapable of making babies every year, or are they just looking to augment the family with some brown babies? Who can say?

The Duggars are back from dangerous Central America. None of them died, apparently. The power of prayer, y'all.

Wait. Even though all of them are ALREADY BACK AND JUST FINE FOR FUCK'S SAKE, Jana has to give us one more take on how dangerous Central America is and how some days they didn't even FaceTime with the Duggars down there, so they were probably murdered by brown people and lying in a ditch somewhere.

Of course every last Duggar goes to the airport with banners and cheers and generally makes idiots of themselves. God, can you imagine being at baggage claim with these people?

Jinger is very glad to be back in America, which is much safer. Josiah is very glad to be back in America, which is much safer. Jana is very glad the Duggars are back in America, which is much safer. Jana is still worried about Jill and Derick, who are not in America, so they are not safe.

Next time! Car auctions! Bothering some younger Duggars about when they will get married! Spurgeon gets left alone with Ben for the first time, complete with the requisite "oh look dad is incompetent and can't even dress his own child haha" scene!

We are really rooting for a meteor to hit the earth before next week rolls around. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, please.

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