Lecondel! Lecondel! To Life!
What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that's a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week was really fun in Condiland! Like her illustrious mentor, G. H. W. Bush, she inspired a new foreign language insult! It was her birthday! Something about laser helmets! And at the end of the week? OMG, new hairdo. Did you hear me? NEW HAIRDO.
The Condiweek got off to a sour start on Monday with Steve Erlander's article in the New York Times about what can only be described as a game of oneupsmanship of lowered expectations towards any kind of progress in the Middle East. It's not for lack of effort on the part of our beloved Dr. Ferragamo, though! Indeed, Condi puts so much effort into arranging her unproductive, showboaty confabs which accomplish nothing, Erlander gossips, that she's inspired a new Israeli slang term: lecondel. It means "to spend a lot of time arranging unproductive, showboaty confabs which accomplish nothing." Neat! Not since President George I inspired the instant Japanese slang craze bushuru: to vomit in public has an American official been honored in this prestigious linguistic manner. Go, Condi!
On Tuesday, that bitch Madeleine Albright totally dissed Dr. Secretary! She was on MSNBC and was going on and on about everything wrong with the Bush Administration's foreign policy. And you know what? She didn't even once mention Condi! As if she had nothing to do with anything! I'll have you know, Missy Albright, that while you were ignoring your successor's many contributions to the Middle East's problems, Condi herself was in Tennessee, giving a speech to Jews in the venerated Gaylord Opryland Resort and Convention Center (see photo). Have you ever been invited to Gaylord Opryland, Madeleine? I didn't think so. And no, the Kennedy Center doesn't count.
Also on Tuesday: Condi called recent events in Pakistan "unfortunate." You tell 'em, girl! She was also grouped with Albert Einstein and Richard Nixon in a poll which aims to encourage participation in music but maybe should come up with a couple of better examples.
Wednesday was Condoleezza's birthday, and she turned 53-years-young! Otherwise, the day was pretty routine: she met with a Swedish guy and then had to go lie to Congress with Robert Gates. At one point she was talking to the Overseas Security Advisory Council (party!), and this was her uplifting birthday message: Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a quite dangerous world. She's always a little ray of sunshine!
Condi wasn't in the public eye on Thursday, but that doesn't mean she wasn't in the news! I wonder if she kept up with the doings of her illustrious underling "Cookie" Krongard? Oooh, I think Condi might have to do something about that silly boy soon! But the good news for the folks at the State Department? They're all getting laser helmets! The whole idea is very fashion-forward, so I suspect Condi's hands are all over this. The very idea of laser-assisted video helmets instantly sent me into a reverie thinking about Condi as the leather-clad tabloid reporter in Almodovar's underrated Kika (see photo above).
Also on Thursday, Our Heroine picked up the phone and talked to Abba or something? And this was supposedly a big deal? And they talked about (what else?) lowering expectations, truly the slogan for Condi's last year in Foggy Bottom. There were no wire service photographers present to witness and document this ground-breaking telephone call, so I took the liberty of dramatizing the event for you:
Come Friday we found out why Condi had been out of the public eye: besides talking on the phone, she was getting her hair done! A post-birthday spa day! Sneaky! As some of you know, Dr. Rice's hair has always been one of my overriding obsessions, and I've been terribly concerned about the lackluster state of the vivacious diplomat's coiffure. Let's take a look at the results, which were unveiled on Friday at the White House during Bush's press conference with the Japanese Prime Minister:
I pronounce it totally cute! It's so perfectly spherical (here's a technical illustration demonstrating the do's geometrical properties by the author's technical hairdo adviser, the mysterious z7q2)! It's shorter than it's been in years, and I think it's kicky! It's roundness makes me think of the invisible object which Condi often carries around.
What a way to end a superfun Condiweek! I'll be monitoring this exciting new hairdo development, and I hope the rest of the world understands that Condi needs to be handled extra nicely and carefully for the new follicular arrangement's critical first week. And that means you, too, Waxman!
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