Not even your birth certificate can save you.
The Trump administration's efforts to deport all the nasty horrible criming foreigners just keeps scoring wins! Along with all the undocumented moms and dads scooped up while dropping the kids off at school (total threats to the nation), the New Cruelty makes the occasional error, like targeting US citizens for deportation, which is quite the regrettable oopsie, but is really just the sort of thing that will happen from time to time. Isn't Making America Great Again worth a little overreach now and then? Still, troublemakers like the American Civil Liberties Union seem to think people have "rights," and now the ACLU is suing a county sheriff's office in Florida for having held a Philadelphia-born US citizen, Peter S. Brown, for three weeks while refusing to even check his repeated offers to prove his citizenship. After all, Immigration and Customs Enforcement had asked the Monroe County Sheriff''s Office to hold "Peter Brown" for deportation to Jamaica, and that was that. Serves the US-born Brown right for having such an exotic name.
John Dingell, the nation's longest serving congressman (retired to spend more time watching football and Being Best at Twitter), has a couple idears about our nation's current hellscape:
"There is a solution, however, that could gain immediate popular support: Abolish the Senate. At a minimum, combine the two chambers into one, and the problem will be solved. It will take a national movement, starting at the grassroots level, and will require massive organizing, strategic voting, and strong leadership over the course of a generation. But it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? 'Abolish the Senate.' I'm having blue caps printed up with that slogan right now. They will be made in America."
Jerome Corsi and Larry Klayman, have you taken anything that might be impeding your judgment?
Pop Quiz, Wonkers! Let's see who did the homework and who's a lazy slacker. Ready?
For 10,000 Wonkette No Prize Points: Who can bring a criminal complaint?
- The Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court
- Dr. Chucklehead, PhD and Loony Lawyer, Attorney at Law, Esq.
- Sovereign citizens
- Undocumented immigrants with ebola, THANKS OBAMA!
- None of the above
The answer is E, GTFOH, JEROME CORSI, ONLY PROSECUTORS CAN BRING CRIMINAL COMPLAINTS! Everyone else is entitled to write a letter airing their grievances like Festivus morning. And the Department of Justice is entitled to throw it in the fireplace, like a wad of crumpled wrapping paper. Which is undoubtedly what will happen to the 78-page manifesto Jerome Corsi and his superlawyer Larry Klayman dropped on the DOJ yesterday in an unsubtle effort to provide Matthew Whitaker with a pretext to stick a shiv in the Mueller investigation. This is not a criminal complaint, although it is based on one. As methane is based on cows.
It starts off with a reminder of the failed 2004 Senate run by the esteemed and "distinguished" counsel for the complainant. As one does.
LOVE THE SMELL OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE IN THE MORNING! President Fuckbonkers passed a therapeutic Executive Time scream tweeting abuse at Michael Cohen and praising Roger Stone for refusing to testify to the grand jury. How long before he starts straight up tweeting out pardons?
Speaking of "guts," did Trump just shit his pants in fear? Did someone finally tell him that, once he leaves office, he can be prosecuted for all the obstruction of justice, witness tampering, and perjury he committed as president? Because that Tweet right there would be
prime facie witness tampering. As in, that is a crime ON ITS FACE.
Some people pay extra for that.
Before American voters kick them all the way to the curb, House GOP dipshits are taking one final shot at James Comey. Sentient persons will remember the former FBI Director torpedoing Hillary Clinton's campaign by shouting "BUT HER EMAILS" for the entirety of October of 2016. But the House Mensa Caucus knows that was all a part of his dastardly plan to hurt Donald Trump, because the FBI was totes #InTheTank for Hillary.
If you think about it for a while ... you'll go insane. But that won't stop House Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Even Your Kid Hates You) from subpoenaing Comey to testify this week. Republicans want one last shot at smearing shit on him before handing the gavel back to Democrats in January. Carpe diem!
Police chief's 100 percent clearance rate was 100 percent corrupt.
Raimundo Atesiano is going to prison for a while but not nearly long enough. Atesiano was sentenced last week to three years for conspiracy to frame black men for crimes they didn't commit. It wasn't personal. It was strictly a corrupt business. The former police chief of Biscayne Park, a small town in Florida, encouraged three of his officers to crap on the lives of innocent people as a quick fix for reported burglaries.
This is somewhat justice delayed: Atesiano resigned in 2014 after the officers involved -- Guillermo Ravelo, Charlie Dayoub and Raul Fernandez -- directly implicated him. They were all sentenced to prison last month for arresting a 16-year-old in 2013 under Atesiano's direction and pinning on him four unsolved burglaries. This is a serious felony.
Robert Mueller's a-shakin' in his wingtips.
OH, THANK YOU, JEROME CORSI! This week hasn't been nearly stupid enough yet. What we really need to make this Friday perfect is a whole steaming pile of legalistic arglebargle to send us off into the weekend giggling.
Pleaseohplease have your whack-ass lawyer Larry Klayman file some batcrap crazy nonsense with Grand Marshall of the Justice Department Matthew Whitaker. Legal Twitter awaits your next move with bated breath, sir!
We knew you had it in you.
Michael Cohen, you handsome devil! COME ON DOWN! Let's lawsplain that Information and Plea Agreement you entered into yesterday. And since it's Friday (and we are FRIED-AY, ba-dum-TSSS), let's do it Top 5 Style.
1. Says Who?
Back in August, Michael Cohen walked into the federal courthouse in Manhattan and pleaded guilty to various tax and campaign finance violations. But he wasn't yet a cooperating witness with a deal. He still had to spend a lot of quality time spilling his guts to Robert Mueller and a whole bevy of law men from various federal agencies.
Do you know how hard it is to coordinate schedules for Stan and Angela from FINCEN, Steve, Mike and Susan from the IRS, five faceless dudes from CIA, a minyan from SDNY who take off half of September for some kind of holiday, and FIFTEEN ANGRY DEMOCRATS from the Special Counsel's Office?
So many pieces just clicked into place.
Holy Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, Batman! Are these people out of their goddamn minds?
YES. THE ANSWER IS YES. Take it away, Buzzfeed.
President Donald Trump's company planned to give a $50 million penthouse at Trump Tower Moscow to Russian President Vladimir Putin as the company negotiated the luxury real estate development during the 2016 campaign, according to four people, one of them the originator of the plan.
Two US law enforcement officials told BuzzFeed News that Michael Cohen, Trump's personal lawyer at the time, discussed the idea with a representative of Dmitry Peskov, Putin's press secretary.
So, Michael Cohen offered a $50 million gift to the guy Christopher Steele said was running the pro-Trump Kremlin operation? AYFKMRN?
Not to blow your mind with a lot of technical legal argot, but that's what people in the business might call a GIANTASS BRIBE. And offering it on what was undoubtedly a recorded phone line gave the Kremlin potentially explosive kompromat on the future Idiot President.
"IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU," SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY.
Yr Wonkette is not a lawyer and we're not sure this guy is, either.
Yr Wonkette, like a lot of people, started falling out of love with that Michael Avenatti guy right around the time he said he thought he'd make a really good president. Oh, sure, he'd won us -- especially the Evan part of us -- over in the beginning by being smoking hot and sounding like a badass, but once he started sounding like he was high on his own supply and started insisting he was the One White Guy who could take on Donald Trump in 2020, we decided it was time to put away the Lisa Frank unicorn-n-rainbows Trapper Keeper we'd scribbled "MA + Wonkette 4EVR" all over, because dood, really?
Then came the domestic violence arrest, which may or may not involve a rightwing setup, but either way, we were already pretty done before that anyway. Now, it's time to ice that Goodbye Cake with the statement by Stormy Daniels, published by the Daily Beast yesterday, that she never authorized Avenatti to pursue a defamation lawsuit against Donald Trump. She also says she's not certain she wants to keep him on as her lawyer after he failed to detail how he was spending money raised by a couple of crowdsourcing campaigns in her name.
Daniels's statement is a doozy. It reads, in part,
Dammit, Donald Trump is not the boss of us! We are not going to allow his giant, orange ass to blot out the sun. Other stuff is still happening, it still matters, and we're still going to discuss it. So let's talk about what went down at the Supreme Court yesterday. Because, despite the GOP's best efforts to ratfuck the judiciary, our court system is still working more or less properly.
Yesterday's oral argument in Timbs v. Indiana boils down to one basic question: Can state and local government just take all your shit if you commit a minor crime? Only they said it in legalese, which translates to "Does the Eighth Amendment's prohibition on excessive fines apply to state seizures through in rem proceedings?" Sexy!
When adopted, the Bill of Rights -- that is, the first 10 Amendments to the Constitution -- were not understood to apply to the states. But over time, courts have held that local governments are bound by specific Amendments. You do have the right to remain silent, whether you're (not) talking to the FBI or to the local sheriff. We are all in agreement that the Eighth Amendment's prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment means prisoners can't be flogged. The issue before the Court yesterday was whether the other part of the Eighth Amendment, the ban on excessive fines, is also incorporated, i.e. does it apply to the states.
And if you're saying to yourself, "Well, duh! It can possibly be legal for Sheriff Hogg to seize the General Lee just because he finds an empty bottle of moonshine in the trunk," well, you and Justice Gorsuch are in total agreement. (And you're dating yourself.)
And he's taking Roger Stone with him.
JEROME CORSI, CALL YOUR LAWYER!
Oh, your lawyer is Larry Klayman? Well, that explains how you wound up screwing yourself in spectacular fashion last night on live television. Ari Melber's ratings are forever in your debt, sir!
When last we left our birther freak show antihero, he was offering up evidence of a conspiracy to help Roger Stone lie to Congress. Stone is still doggedly insisting that Jerome Corsi's "research memo" prompted his August 2016 tweet that Clinton campaign manager John Podesta's "time in the barrel" was coming -- despite the fact that Corsi and Stone cooked that memo up after the fact when they realized they'd shit the bed by admitting they knew what Assange had. But it's okay, you guys, because lying to Congress is just politics. It's not a lie, it's REPOSITIONING.
I've been trained in public relations by Edward Bernays. British Petroleum becomes BP, and now they're Beyond Petroleum. Is that a lie? It's a repositioning. In politics there's a lot of repositioning that goes on. If that were a lie and people were guilty of a crime for doing that, there'd hardly be a politician alive today.
Corsi claims to have been granted immunity for admitting this lie to the grand jury. Would that be use immunity, meaning they can still convict him if they can prove his guilt with other evidence? Or transactional immunity, meaning he can never be charged for it? Only his lawyer knows! Did we mention his lawyer is Larry Freaking Klayman? LOL!
Superlawyer Larry Klayman here to melt all your troubles into worse troubles.
Earlier today, the inimitable Five Dollar Feminist splained at you about Jerome Corsi, and his world full of hurt. But Trump's pal "Jerry" isn't taking his legal troubles lying down! No, he has hired the world's greatest superlawyer, Larry Klayman, to sue the shit out of Bobby Mueller, for reasons. Check it!
Oh baby, right there. RIGHT THERE. AoooooooooOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!
What he's working with right there is a hand full of crap!
Paul Manafort continued his crime spree last night by breaking legal Twitter.
Yes, we know that Rudy Giuliani has been saying for months that Trump had an ongoing Joint Defense Agreement with Manafort
We just assumed he was talking shit like always.
Probably should have acid-washed those emails to Roger Stone!
There's a smell of BenGay and cat pee in the air that can only mean one thing: It's time to talk about Jerome Corsi again. The old attention whore is on a whirlwind tour, using his failed plea negotiations with Robert Mueller to flog the latest hairball he coughed up and had bound as a hardcover "book." So let's hold our noses and run through the highly incriminating timeline revealed in the draft Plea Agreement Corsi inexplicably dumped on the media last night. It's even dumber than you think!
July 25, 2016
Roger Stone emails Corsi and tells him, per the draft agreement, "Get to [the founder of Organization 1] [a]t Ecuadorian Embassy in London and get the pending [Organization 1] emails . . . they deal with Foundation, allegedly." We'll just stop here in delight at the "masking" of "founder of Organization 1" AT THE ECUADORIAN EMBASSY, because that is goddamn hilarious. (Assange, idiots. They meant Julian Assange.)
Anyway, Corsi may be a goddamn moron, but he knew that Stone, when he said "Foundation," meant the Clinton Foundation, so Corsi immediately forwarded the marching orders to Ted Malloch, a Trump stooge living in England who got picked up by the FBI in March at Logan airport and subsequently spent some quality time with the grand jury.
Unlike Stone and Corsi, who have been texting reporters 24/7, Malloch has gone radio silent because he's not A IDIOT.
July 31, 2016
Stone sends another email ordering Corsi to get with Assange and find out what he's got on Clinton.
August 2, 2016
Corsi, who is vacationing in Europe, emails Stone and tells him, "Word is friend in embassy plans 2 more dumps. One shortly after I'm back. 2nd in Oct. Impact planned to be very damaging.… Time to let more than [John Podesta] to be exposed as in bed w enemy if they are not ready to drop HRC. That appears to be the game hackers are now about. Would not hurt to start suggesting HRC old, memory bad, has stroke -- neither he nor she well. I expect that much of next dump focus, setting stage for Foundation debacle."
It's not clear whether Corsi himself visited Assange, whether he got his info from Malloch (who denies ever having met with the allegedly rapey recluse), or if he had another source. But he definitely knew the emails were hacked (not leaked by Seth Rich, as he'd later claim), that further dumps were planned, and the subject of the upcoming dumps. The Trump campaign immediately started flogging the Hillary Is Diseased story line, led by Donald Trump himself, after that email, at a time when Roger Stone claimed to be in touch with Trump himself. Which is a heckuva coincidence!
We've put it off long enough, Wonkers. It's time to discuss THE CENSUS LITIGATION. Bow-chicka-bow-bow! But first, let's watch the president of the United States attack the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court on Twitter.
Literally none of this is true, of course. But leaving that aside, what kind of idiot attacks the judicial body which will be adjudicating his fate in short order? Answer: The Giantest Fucking Idiot that ever parked his Russian-owned keister in the Oval Office.
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