Justice Department Says It's Cool For Meatball McDumb To Be Acting Attorney General, So All Y'all Can STFU
It was probably his magic toilet that keeps even super long penises dry that won DoJ over.
The Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel, after the fact and amid much controversy, has released a statement assessing that Matthew Whitaker, literally the biggest fucking idiot in the world this side of Donald Trump, whose very nomination may be unconstitutional according to such legal brains as former solicitor general Neal Katyal and possibly soon-to-be-former Kellyanne Conway's husband George, is "unquestionably" qualified to lead the departrment, even without Senate confirmation. In making this argument, DoJ explained how the Vacancies Reform Act doesn't mean what all these other legal scholars think it means, and that senior staffers such as Whitaker are totally valid choices.
DoJ rejects the argument that "principal officers," i.e. those who only answer to the president, must only and always be subject to Senate confirmation, saying that doesn't count if somebody is only playing a "principal officer" on TV, like Whitaker is:
WTF Is Happening In Georgia? A Lawsplainer Of All The Courts Kicking Brian Kemp In The Jimmies Right Now
The problem is all these people wanting to vote!
LOVE AND MAWWIAGE! That is what brings us here today. More or less.
In fact, what brings us here today is Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp's herculean efforts to drag his ratfucking carcass across the gubernatorial finish line after disenfranchising a million of his constituents who wanted to elect Stacey Abrams. Like Prince Humperdinck shouting, "Man and Wife! Say Man and Wife!" Kemp insists that the vote tally MUST be certified tomorrow, whether the counting is finished or not. And if not, well, so much the better.
The part of Westley will be played today by Common Cause Georgia -- which makes perfect sense if you are a Millennial or Gen X-er. (And if not, apologies!) On November 5, Common Cause made a novel claim against the state of Georgia. They weren't saying that Kemp was deliberately ratfucking the voter data base himself. But they did argue that the insecurity of voter information guarded by the secretary of state violated voters' due process rights because anyone could break in and change the data.
Hello Wonks! With cabinet members getting terminated by Trump faster than his likely (ALLEGED!) unprotected sex induced pregnancies, we figured we'd check in with Kellyanne Conway, who will never leave, to see what she's been up to the past couple of days. Spoiler: she thinks her husband is an idiot.
Conway made multiple appearance on the Sunday shows to spin the "truth" on Trump's replacement of Confederate Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions ...
MAN, the Deep State must hate this guy!
HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.
We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)
What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.
Trump and David Pecker knew EXACTLY what they were doing. LOCK THEM UP!
There are lies, damn lies, and there's EVERY LYIN' SUMBITCH IN DONALD TRUMP'S ORBIT! The Wall Street Journal just dropped a huge connect-the-dots piece on the secret plan in Trumpland to use the National Enquirer's checkbook to bury stories of all the ladies Trump bumped his orange uglies against. And, with apologies to Popehat and Bing Crosby, it's beginning to look a lot like RICO!
It all started back in 2015, when serial philanderer Donald Trump decided he'd goose his brand by running for president. Being a dirty old perv, he knew there were endless women with stories about him that might give the church ladies heartburn. (Or not.) Luckily, he had a friend at the National Enquirer who'd been disappearing stories about him since the '90s.
How many Scaramuccis is this fucking idiot gonna last?
It's your daily chronicle of how Matthew Whitaker, the fake, make-believe "acting attorney general" Donald Trump illegally installed after firing Jeff Sessions, manages to be dangerous and stupid and highly unqualified and hilariously mock-able, all at the same time!
First of all, "senior officials" in the White House are expressing shock and dismay that they flouted the line of succession at DOJ and stuck in an asslicking sycophant, and instead of just accepting it, America is digging into his story and everything we find out about him makes us say "LOL!" and "what a fucking dipshit!"
2000 deja vu all over again
Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!
It's OK. He likes sleeping on the couch.
Have you HEARD about what a thug moron Trump's new acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker is? This is a dude who appears at least to have been dropped on his head as a child and probably during a few college football games, and that is why Trump LIKES him. (He loves #Dumbs.) Seriously, kids, if you ever talk about this guy without talking about what a fucking dumbass he is, you are doing it wrong.
Seriously, sports fans, you wanna see how stupid this guy is?
This woman is not okay.
Yesterday was one of the most racist election days in memory. Vote suppression tactics fueled by MAGA hate collided with the voting rights of millions of minorities in America. In some cases, we were left screaming at the TV like, "HOW THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?" Take the case of poll worker Juanita Barnes, who decided it was her God-given right to fuck with black women who were trying to *vote. (*Disclaimer: It's not that fucking with black people who are trying to vote is ANYTHING NEW, it's just that now we all have cell phones, collective political power, and can drag their asses on social media until they beg for mercy.)
Trump wasted no time firing Jeff Sessions. Shit is about to get real.
It's been mere hours since Democrats won control of the House of Representatives, and Donald Trump is in a bad fucking mood. First he gave a whinyass crybaby GRRR ARGH press conference, and now he has followed through on what he's been threatening for months now. He has quit-fired Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Twitter, and announced that he's sticking one of his personal ass-lickers in as acting attorney general.
Oh, he'll have a legacy all right!
It's easy to blame Georgia's Secretary of State Brian Kemp, a less charming Boss Hogg-style villain, for the blatant voter suppression efforts in the state: electronic voting machines not working because someone "forgot" to send electrical cords for them, and the four-and-a-half hour lines in black districts as if the polling places were holding one-night-only concerts with the ghosts of Prince, Michael Jackson, and Aretha Franklin. It may be a winning campaign strategy: "I'm not racist. I'm just incompetent. Hell, I'm probably both. Make me governor." But Kemp was only in position for such large-scale corruption because the Supreme Court in 2013 ruled to make Jim Crow great again and gutted the Voting Rights Act.
"Our country has changed," Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. wrote for the majority. "While any racial discrimination in voting is too much, Congress must ensure that the legislation it passes to remedy that problem speaks to current conditions."
Roberts was correct the the country had changed. Barack Obama won re-election in 2012 with a smaller percentage of the white vote than Michael Dukakis in 1988. Racial demographics had changed dramatically in almost a quarter century: White voters had gone from 85 percent of the electorate to 72, with a corresponding -- and concerning for Republicans -- increase in the electorate for blacks and Hispanics. After Mitt Romney's defeat, there were "autopsies" that argued the GOP would have to expand its tent and reach out to minorities. This was all superficial talk. Immigration reform flopped in the Senate the same month the Supreme Court gave Republicans an easier path to retaining power: cheating.
We're just saying the guy still has a hotmail account.
How the hell did a pack of misfits like today's GOP manage to successfully ratfuck American Democracy? If you saw Bannon, Assange, Roger Stone or Randy Credico out in public, you'd cross the street and grip your keys like a weapon. And yet, there's a very real possibility that this pack of rancid gin farts teamed up with Vladimir Putin to pull off the greatest hack of all time.
Or maybe they're just a bunch of clueless morons who never even knew what hit them. Honestly, we have no idea which!
Today's adventures in wonderland, courtesy of the New York Times, take us back to October of 2016. In his Foreverwar with irrelevance, Roger Stone was flogging a story that Bill Clinton had fathered an illegitimate child with a prostitute. Bannon was busy with the campaign and ignored the old geezer. But Matthew Boyle, political editor at Trumpland's ministry of alt-right outreach, aka Breitbart, was low enough on the food chain to take Stone's calls.
Stone had been shit-tweeting that Wikileaks and "my hero Julian Assange" were coming, and soon Hillary Clinton would be "done." Which everyone ignored because ... Roger Stone. But then, on October 3, Assange announced that he was about to drop the good shit, and Boyle got all tingly in his down-theres.
Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas. And we sincerely hope that wherever Don McGahn is, he's itchy all over. CNN reports this morning that, on his way out the door, the former White House counsel enjoyed one last performance review with That Orange Idiot.
In a face-to-face Oval Office meeting, the President groused to McGahn about Mueller's appointment made on McGahn's watch as White House counsel, and the cloud the investigation has continued to cast over the presidency, the people familiar with the conversation said.
Sources say while the President was fixated on Mueller, he also gave McGahn high marks for other matters during his time as the top White House lawyer, as CNN previously reported.
So, like a Gentleman's C. Because McGahn did the assignments, but his class participation was lousy. It says right there in the syllabus, dude, "Aggressively shield the president from all civil and criminal investigations, by means both legal and illegal." Would Roy Cohn have sat down with Robert Mueller for 30 hours and spilled his guts? Not a chance!
Once again, it falls to Perfesser Journalism (Wonkette) to teach the class.
Dammit guys, have we not already been through this? WE HAVE. Just because Donald Trump makes mouth farts about Executive Ordering some blatantly unconstitutional nonsense, or shutting down the border to keep out the dirty Fredonians, or flapping his prodigious orange jowls and flying to the moon, doesn't mean you should report it like it's true. In point of fact, the president cannot end birthright citizenship with his signature alone, so quit saying that it's "controversial," or "untested," or "the subject of debate," or any other stupid weasel words.
IT'S JUST A LIE. And reporting it like it might be true is also a lie. Looking at you, CNN! Plus NBC, AP, NPR, NYT and pretty much everyone who isn't YOUR WONKETTE.
It's not unclear. Just take it from Kellyanne Conway's husband George, who was so disgusted that he took to the pages of the Washington Post to tear his wife's boss a new one.
Sometimes the Constitution's text is plain as day and bars what politicians seek to do. That's the case with President Trump's proposal to end "birthright citizenship" through an executive order. Such a move would be unconstitutional and would certainly be challenged. And the challengers would undoubtedly win.
Not. Gonna. Happen.
Working at the White House is awesome! Where else can you whisper absolutely any crazy nonsense over a Diet Coke and watch it barfed out by the leader of the free world on live TV just moments later? That's a hell of a perk! And right now someone in the White House is texting everyone he knows bragging, "Fkn toldya! The Idiot actly DID IT! OMGLOLROFLMAO! U owe me beers 4ever!" Because last night Donald Trump sat down with Axios's Jonathan Swan and announced that he plans to end birthright citizenship for babies born on American soil. And he thinks he can un-person thousands of children every year with just a flick of his mighty pen.
It was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don't. [...] You can definitely do it with an Act of Congress. But now they're saying I can do it just with an executive order.
Oh "they" are, are "they"? Because Section 1, Clause 1 of the 14th Amendment, which confirmed that children of slaves were US citizens, is unambiguous here. That's why they call it The Citizenship Clause.
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.
And unless That Idiot is saying that we have no legal authority over non-citizens present in US America -- i.e. "subject to jurisdiction thereof" -- then the Constitution is pretty clear on this one. (Also, he's still wrong.) There's also the little matter of United States v. Wong Kim Ark, 169 U.S. 649 (1898), where the Supreme Court held that children born to Chinese parents in the US were American citizens. Man, Donald Trump realllllly doesn't want us talking about all those bombs and shootings by American-born white men this week!
Did Simona put you up to this, bro?
Sorry to pop your pimple, Lil Papi, but you got about as much of a shot at withdrawing that Mueller guilty plea as Yr FDF does of playing for the NBA. (And she's 5'2" and 43 years old!) Feel free to ride that wingnut wave to a spot on the grifter speaking circuit, but you'll still have to serve that paltry two-week sentence for lying to the FBI. And you ought to be damn grateful it wasn't two years!
This week, George Papadopoulos is making the rounds at various Trump outlets to pretend that he's maybe for real this time going to withdraw his guilty plea and blow the lid off this dirty, dirty Mueller investigation. Sure, he got hammered that one time and told Australia's former foreign minister that Russia had Clinton's emails and intended to leak them to help Trump. But, umm, somethingsomething HILLARY arglebargle FBI, ipso facto res ipsa loquitur it's all a plot to frame poor Georgie for loving Trump too much.
©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc