HOLY HELL! How many generations of first cousin marriage led up to that guy? This fine specimen is Jeff Mateer, Assistant Attorney General for the great state of Texas and current nominee for a federal judgeship. Jeff is a busy guy, but he still finds A LOT of time to think about gay sex. It's a wonder he can get anything done, what with spending all day talking about gay sex, and researching gay sex, and frantically deleting his browser history. (We hope!)


Now being a godless liberal, you probably assume that a guy who spends all his time pondering gay peeners is into dudes. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG! The Lord commanded Jeff to undertake this in-depth study of all the nasty, icky things gay people do so he could better spread The Good Word. Jesus said NO HOMO, ESPECIALLY NOT AT THE OFFICE, and Jeff Mateer is making sure that Godly people keep their workplaces heterosexual and free of temptation. For verily, Jesus doth weep if Shawn from IT bringeth his husband Ken to the company picnic. And those that eateth of their delicious guacamole and contemplateth them grinding avocados until the sweat fogs up the windows and they are forced to remove their pants shall surely perish in the fires of hell.

So to save Christians from eternal damnation, Jeff prepared a gameplan for gay-hating HR directors and presented it at a wingnut conference in 2015. In “Seven Things Every Christian Employee Should Know,” he stressed the importance of planning your discrimination in advance.

And Hobby Lobby gives us a roadmap for protecting business persons. It’s not going to be good enough when you call me and you own — uh, let’s take an example, a bed and breakfast. I don’t know why I would use that. You own a bed and breakfast. And you have some beliefs about, uh, let’s just pick a random topic, like same-sex marriage or same-sex couples. And you have beliefs about that. Now can you, your place of public accommodation, can you restrict to just married couples of the opposite sex? I’d submit to you, I’d submit to you, if you don’t have a written policy, the answer is probably not.

Yes, Jeff, why would you pick that totally random example of two hot guys wanting to rent a room at your B&B?

In another speech, “Are You Ready? Protecting Your Church or 501(c)(3) Ministry,” Jeff stoked fears that heathen Supreme Court Justices were going to mandate Adam and Steve weddings every Sunday before the sermon.

It’s people like you, people who are in their churches, who are now being told, I have to do this, or do I have to do this. Do I have to marry same-sex couples? Do I have to allow a same-sex couple to use my facility? Do I have to admit, at our Christian school, do I have to admit a same-sex couple’s child.

Which shows remarkably bad faith for a lawyer who knows damn well that that is not what the Court said. We are highly skeptical of any member of the bar who pulls out a $100 bill and offers it to the “first person to find in the Constitution the phrase ‘separation of church and state.’" It's called the Establishment Clause! Bro, do you even law?

BUT WE DIGRESS.

Mateer believes in God's Law, so tax-exempt churches should have the right to endorse political candidates, businesses should be allowed to discriminate against gays, and diversity training is obviously gay "brainwashing." He also wishes he could support Jesus by eating every meal at Chik-fil-A, which is disgusting! But it's less disgusting than calling transgender kids part of "Satan's plan."

In Colorado, a public school has been sued because a first grader and I forget the sex, she's a girl who thinks she's a boy or a boy who thinks she's a girl, it's probably that, a boy who thinks she's a girl [...] I mean it just really shows you how Satan's plan is working and the destruction that's going on.

Even Texas Senator John Cornyn started to back away from Mateer's nomination when this video came out last month. But not Ted Cruz, who took a break from Twitter porn to give Mateer a sticky thumbs up for his "fidelity to law and a commitment to protecting the Constitution and the Bill of Rights."

Both Texas senators sit on the Judiciary Committee, where ranking Democrat Dianne Feinstein has given Mateer's nomination a big NFW. Civil rights and LGBTQ groups have launched a campaign to get his name pulled. And his tendency to say the quiet parts out loud might make him too toxic even for Republicans. So if your senator is one of the less loony members of the Judiciary Committee, Ben Sasse, Jeff Flake, Orrin Hatch, Lindsey Graham, John Cornyn or Chuck Grassley, please call and tell them to give Mateer the boot. Let him go back to Texas and think about gay people on his own time.

[VICE / Texas Tribune / Dallas News]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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