Let's All Get Drunk For Three Days, For 'Unions' Or Whatever
It's booze o'clock somewhere
Hoo boy howdy yee haw, what a week, right? RIGHT?! We persecuted some Christians and threw them in jail -- well, just the one, for now, but BEWARE CHRISTIANS, WE ARE COMING FOR ALL OF YOU. And we laughed and laughed, oh how we laughed, at Donald Trump spanking Jeb right on his behind again even harder some more, for being a Bush and also a "low-energy" loser weak sissy crybaby Spanisher who talks Mexican instead of American, what a hater. And we pitied poor Rick Perry, for comparing himself to Jesus, and for being so SO SOOOO dumb, and for, uh, we forget the third thing. (Shut up, that is still funny, it will be funny forever.)
Also, we made you libtards a Wonkette primary, for you to vote in, and also told you to go buy yourselves some Hillz R. Clintonista T-shirts. Did you do that yet? GOOD. Oh, you didn't do that yet? What are you waiting for? Go do that, they are pretty, all your liebrul Democrat friends will be so jealous. Do it NOW.
So it is one of them three-day holiday weekend things, for those of you who are lucky to get that sort of thing. What are we honoring again? Our trees? Our vets? Our USA birthday? Our savior? Oh, right, our laborers! Thanks, The Unions, for giving us weekends and especially for the three-day kind, where we can kick back, grill some organic tofu, guzzle some herbal tea-tinis, and be all, like, "Woot, three days of drunking and setting food on fire, God Bless America!"
If tea-tinis are not your thing, may we recommend any one of these refreshing Wonkette tails o' cock, for you to sip?
We know many of you are like, WhatEVER, Wonkette, we are not even reading your words, we are already so outta here and three-day weekending, don't waste your pixel breaths. And screw you, we weren't talking to you anyway. But for the rest of yous guys, we are here, laboring for you, all weekend long, with the dick jokes and the ... well, OK, mostly the dick jokes. That's why you love us, right? RIGHT!
So enjoy your holiday weekend, Wonkers, however you like to do you. And while we do not have any trucks or mattresses on sale for you this weekend, we do have all these lovely things you can buy -- like T-shirts and coffee mugs and panties, even, for your SEXXX parts. Or you could just give us money and say, "Thanks, Wonkette, for laboring for us, like you do all the time, 29 hours a day, 11 days a week, you are so good at the words, though maybe not the math." You are welcome, dear Wonkers, what we love. And we will be happy to take your hard-earned moneys, always. For America.