Let's Help Scientologists Make TV Shows For Their Great New Channel!
Hey! Guess who is getting their very own cable station? It is the Scientologists! Spectrum Cable (formerly Time Warner), has blocked out a channel for Scientology Media Productions, and programming is expected to start this summer. Just as we all have always dreamed!
This isn't terrifically surprising, and is very likely a reaction to the success of Leah Remini's show "Scientology and the Aftermath" (which, YAY, is getting another season!). It's gotta be pretty hard to recruit anyone who has seen or heard about that show, so they probably think that they can counter the effects of it with shows of their own.
Tony Ortega reports that Scientology president guy David Miscavige announced his plans for the cable station at an event last year, all of which sound incredibly compelling:
Meanwhile, that same tipster managed to attend Scientology’s L. Ron Hubbard Birthday Event earlier this month, and said that during his two-hour presentation, Miscavige said that the cable station was coming this summer.
At the event, Miscavige ran down a list of shows which would be appearing on SCNTV, including programming by Freedom magazine, 9 hours of L. Ron Hubbard biographical episodes, the “Meet a Scientologist” series, episodes about each Ideal Org, and videos about the church’s “Fourth Dynamic Campaigns” — in other words, outreach and expansion.
So far there are only a few shows listed on their spectrum page, but they all sure sound pretty thrilling! The list includes such future classics as "What is Scientology, Drug Free World, Detox from Street Psychiatric Drugs, Youth for Human Rights, The Hubbard Electro Meter, What is Real Education, An Overview of Scientology, and 'Amazing.'"
What else will their programming include? I have some guesses!
The Real Former Housewives of Scientology -- in which secret cameras record the every action of people who have left the church. Without their consent, but maybe with their knowledge.
Walk the Plank -- In which contestants have to swim for their lives after being thrown off a boat, a venerated Scientology tradition.
The Scientologist Apprentice -- In which Sea Org members compete for the opportunity to alphabetize Tom Cruise's spice rack while being repeatedly whipped by a superior.
Too Many Thetans! -- A family-centered sitcom about a Dad who has too many body thetans, which result in many wacky adventures. It's sort of like "Herman's Head," except with body thetans.
Tom Cruise's Couch -- A daily talk show in which Tom Cruise interviews himself while jumping on a couch.
Cruise of Love -- Sea Org Members compete to be Tom Cruise's next love interest. Challenges include smiling blankly at paparazzi and assuring people you are not brainwashed.
Oh Shit, THEY'RE Scientologists? -- A show profiling the people you really wish were not Scientologists because you like them otherwise, like Beck and Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi. Oh, and Nancy Cartwright.
John Travolta: The Most Super Heterosexualest Man In All The World -- Cameras follow John Travolta around as he does all the most super hetero things you can imagine. After watching, you will be all like "Oh man, that sure is a person who likes to have sex with women!"
That New Jenna Elfman Show Where She Has An Imaginary Friend Or Something? -- I have seen a lot of advertisements for this show. It looks horrible and I assume it will be canceled after a few episodes, so maybe they should just pick it up now.
10 Things We Hate About Leah Remini -- In which various people who know or did not know Leah Remini but definitely heard some stuff, discuss all the "crimes" they claim she committed.
The Hole -- Sort of a cross between Survivor and Orange Is The New Black, in which Sea Org members who have committed transgressions fight for survival in The Hole, which totally does not exist.
Where In The World Is Shelley Miscavige? -- HAHA Just kidding she's totally fine you guys can all stop looking for her now.
Show Me The Money! -- A game show (hosted by Tom Cruise, duh) in which contestants compete to give the Church of Scientology the most money, and pay to find out the answers to questions. There is no prize.
Please feel free to share your own show ideas in the comments. If there is anything we know about the Scientologists, it is that they are always watching -- so hey, maybe they'll take some of our suggestions!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse