Let's Netflix And Chill While We Pretend To Watch Democrats Chit-Chat: Your Debate Preview!
No, Biden won't be there, but we don't have O'Malley swag, and wouldn't you rather look at Biden's toothy grin anyway?
On a scale of one to comatose, how sexcited are you for Tuesday's Democratic primary debate in Las Vegas? Hey. Hey, you. Wake up. This is important, OK? This is about the future of U.S. America, bitches. Sure, it won't have the OOOOH SNAP! fun and games of a Republican primary debate. Hell, there isn't even a kids' table, since all of the Democratic candidates are already potty-trained and capable of using a knife and fork. It's unlikely that Hillary Clinton will complain about debate moderator Anderson Cooper's boy vag being on the rag if he asks her a question she doesn't like. (But maybe!) (But nah, not really.)
Also? It's highly unlikely the Democratic candidates will debate whether nerdy Muslim teens are the worst or even worser than that; whether we should simply defund Planned Parenthood or burn every clinic to the ground and salt the earth because WATCH THE VIDEO (that doesn't exist, but watch it anyway); why Margaret Thatcher was a great American lady hero whose face should be on our $10 moneys; or how George Dubya Goddamned Fucking Asshole Motherfucking Fuck Fuck Fuck Bush "kept us safe" on 9/11.
So here's the 411 on what we're all pretending to look forward to this evening.
What time is the debate?
It starts at 9:00 p.m. Eastern. That's 6:00 p.m. California time, and, um, some time in between if you live in flyover country. Look it up yourselves. Pre-game pundit blah blahing starts at 8:30, and you definitely don't want to miss that!
Where is the debate?
It is in Las Vegas, baby, on the CNN.
Will Wonkette be liveblogging the debate?
Duh, what the fuck you think? (Yes.)
Who will be doing the debating?
Grandma Madam First Secretary Lady Sen. Hillz Rodham C-Dawg will be there, obvs. Everyone expects her to win all the debate points, because she is "a very talented debater" who "fared well in her two dozen showdowns with Barack Obama." Also, she is a hugenormous fucking nerd, so you know she's been staying up all night for the last 10 months studying real hard for this. And, as you know from your Hillary T-shirt, she was born to do this.
Bernie "Suck my socialist balls" Sanders will be there also too. Kids these days and Birkenstock-wearing olds who still fondly recall free-sexing in the mud at Woodstock are expecting to not only #FeelTheBern but to also feel some starbursts comin' right at them from their teevees. They will obviously be wearing their Bernie T-shirts (order now, while supplies last).
What about that other guy?
Oh yeah, former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley will be there too. No, we don't know why. Dude's polling at just around YAWN, even in his own state. But if we're lucky -- or unlucky -- he might break out in song because apparently, he "has a side career as a Celtic rock musician." Here is a song, what he made, for one lucky -- or unlucky -- winner who donated to his campaign and got her name picked out of a hat:
Is that a joke?
Sorry, but no.
What about that Lincoln Chafee fellow?
Can't you just give a straight answer for once?
Fine. Yes, former RINO and current DINO Lincoln Chafee will be there. No, Larry Lessig will not be there because he wasn't invited. And he's all butthurt about that, so he says if the Democrats won't let Larry be Larry, he might have to run for president in some other way, maybe on the Trump ticket or something.
Who the fuck is Larry Lessig?
You know what? Don't worry about it.
Will there be any other Democrats at the debate?
But what about Jim Webb?
You mean the "Democrat" Jim Webb, who no doubt wishes he'd gone to the Republican debate at the Tomb of St. Zombie Reagan, so he could talk about how much he also would like to make sweet No Homo love to Reagan's corpse?
Didn't we read a thing about Joe Biden?
You did. CNN promised Old Handsome Joe a spot on the debate stage, plus a real nice tug job with happy ending, if only he'd pretty please declare his candidacy, as late as five seconds before the debate starts. CNN reckons it will make the debate far more interesting if Biden is there to talk about how Hitlery sucks and Bernie is LOL come on, people.
Is that going to happen?
How do you know that?
Well, for one thing, Joe Biden hasn't declared his candidacy and, sorry Draft Biden folks, but he might never do that, and you dickjobs should stop pestering him about that. Also, Anderson Cooper says he is totally not interested in goading candidates into fighting with each other to make for good ratings and explosive next-day headlines:
Cooper insists he won’t tee up fights. “I’m always uncomfortable with that notion of setting people up in order to kind of promote some sort of a face-off,” Cooper said on CNN’s “Reliable Sources.”
Do you believe him?
Jesus, you people ask a lot of questions.
Anything else we should know?
Sheryl Crow is going to sing the national anthem. Guess the Democrats couldn't find any pimple-faced tone deaf conservateens to do it, Republican-style.