Let's Watch Alex Jones Have P-In-V Sex With An American Flag While Roger Stone Watches

When Attorney General Jeff Sessions testifies in Congress and feels like somebody is impugning his patriotism by suggesting there might have been anything untoward about his contacts with dirty Russian spies during the 2016 election, he gets his back up, and he huffs and puffs in his Southern accent about how offended he is you would suggest he doesn't love America. When crazy pants trucker speed enthusiast Alex Jones is faced with the same accusations, he reacts a bit differently. For instance, he humps American flags. Jeff Sessions does not hump American flags. (THAT WE KNOW OF.)

Jones had some sort of event at the National Press Club with fellow nutso asswad Roger Stone, and somebody VERY MEANLY noted that Jones's InfoWars website is really bad about promoting shit from RT, the Russian state-owned propaganda network, and oh boy, that didn't go over so well with Alex Jones! He started out by trying to say he publishes all kinds of stuff, some of which he agrees with, some of which he doesn't:

I've never been to Russia, but I think I should go as a stunt [...] This thing, it’s almost like the new religion, like a Pharisee or something [...] I publish whole RT articles ... because they let us publish it. [...] But we also publish stuff from the [the Anti-Defamation League] and the Southern Poverty Law Center that I disagree with. So, it’s just not intellectually a fair argument to say, look, he’s gone on Russian TV.

OK ... Whatever.

But then, like a common Donald Trump, Jones lost the plot and had a meltdown:

It’s what I say! [...] Listen! Christ said you judge a tree by its fruits! I’m Americana, I’m free markets, I’m red-blooded, fire-breathing, ’57 Chevy, Marilyn Monroe — give it to me!

GIVE IT TO HIM! Because his fruits are '57 Chevy and Marilyn Monroe, and that logically means there is no way he could be participating, even unwittingly, in Russian propaganda operations, because he is a red-blooded American, so GIVE IT TO HIM!

Also, have you seen Alex Jones's nipples? Alex Jones would like you to look at his American nipples:

After that little tantrum, Alex Jones noticed an American flag to his right, so he ran over and made out with it and touched it with his no-no stick, we think. It was hard to tell, but we're pretty sure it was at least slightly NSFW and completely contrary to all flag etiquette guidelines.

Then Alex Jones added some #JOKES, because Alex Jones is known for his #JOKES:

I love Putin, I admit it! And George Soros killed Hitler! I love George Soros!


And then he ripped his shirt off and smeared bacon on his nipples and took the American flag somewhere more private, or at least that is what we are guessing happened, can't be sure because the tape cuts off.

All in all, a normal morning for Alex Jones.

The video also includes Roger Stone standing there and having a weird shaped head and "reporter" Lee Stranahan loudly and dickishly explaining why it's totally normal that he literally works for the Russians, but we fell asleep during those parts so fuck it.

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Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? That is called your conscience. Listen to it! It is right sometimes!

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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