Forbidden love.

It's time for another Republican debate, aren't you sexcited? Of course you aren't, because there's a Republican debate EVERY GODDAMNED DAY NOW, it seems. There are still 1,067,88leventy86 candidates who still haven't had the good sense to euthanize their presidential hopes and dreams and oh yeah, Ben Carson still has books to sell, SO! Here we are again.

As usual, you have questions -- not sure why, since we've been through this so many fucking times at this point -- and we will make up halfway accurate answers and probably also verbally abuse you for the next 600 words or so.

Is it going to be all birther, all the time, directed toward that Muslim Kenyan Cuban Canadian Bacon-Wrapped Cocksnorter Ted Cruz?

We hope so!

Can you offer any more details on that front?

[contextly_sidebar id="KKPpV5CEPKMJWEViZzuuKn5fY08a42Ls"]"Can you offer any more details blah blah blah bubbleshart," listen to yourselves. We've only written a metric jizzton of posts on the subject in the past two weeks, and it's definitely on Donald Trump's mind, so we are GUESSING it might come up, how maybe Ted Cruz is just too Gay-Nadian and also Messicuban to serve as president of an American country like the United States.

OK so besides those two double tall smegma cocktails, who else is debating?

In the Big Kids Debate, there will be Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush (we dunno why neither), John Kasich and Marco Rubio. (SCIENCE FACT: We made that list from memory, in order of how fast we remembered them. Sorry, Marco Rubio, we usually forget you exist until the last minute!)

Wait, did you say 'Big Kids Debate'? Oh motherfucker fuck shit goddammit trigger warning for we're about to start CUSSIN' UP IN HERE, are you saying they're still doing an undercard Kids Table Debate? Oh my god, no, I OBJECT and YOU SHUT UP and NO THANKS JOSE and all kinds of other protest words!

Yes, we are sorry, but don't blame Wonkette. We don't make the news, we just dick joke it. Yell at Fox Business Network and the RNC about how you hate them and they're not your real dad.

So which losers are in that one?

Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Carly Fiorina, who got deported to the J.V. debate for losers who suck.

Wait, where's Rand Paul?

Died of consumption. It was hella dramatic.

Shut up, no he didn't, we would have seen a MySpace update about that.

OK fine. Rand is deporting his own snotty poopypants ass out of all the debates. See, both Carly AND Rand got kicked out of the Big Kids Debate. Carly isn't washing her persona that night, so she guesses she will show up at the dumb-dumb debate. Rand Paul, on the other hand, is being a little shit because "I'm not willing to accept a designation as a minor campaign" LOL AS IF HE EVEN HAS SUPPORTERS AT THIS POINT. Go to hell, Rand Paul.

Um, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum are two of the most perv-o-yuck men in the entire US and A, you are saying Carly Fiorina is probably going to have to be ALONE with them?

[contextly_sidebar id="6OHthpHiuJLPwWNnK3GSrqYtio8Lquso"]Yes, and the boys are probably going to be standing there with Viagra-induced shame boners the entire time grunting sex things at her, but her vagina will be safe, because Hillary Clinton won't be there, and Carly only shows off her vagina when Hillary's around.

OK fine, we guess we'll watch it. Is it on television as usual?

Yep, right during your stories. You'll have to switch over to the Fox Business Network at 6 PM ET for the stupid Huckabee and pals debate, and then THREE HOURS AFTER THAT OH MY GOD is when the real debate happens, at 9 PM ET. Use your TV, or if you want to use internets, you can do that too.

Will Wonket be liveblo-

GO AWAY. You know we are. We do EVERYTHING FOR YOU. Give us dollars.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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