Walking pus gargoyle

These Neil Gorsuch confirmation hearings, have you been watching them? We've already noted that they are kind of ZZZZZ, because, though Gorsuch is an originalist who is reportedly flavored like Scalia, he seems smart and soft-spoken and gentle and doesn't seem all that arrogant and, oh fuck, we have one of our well-known #WrongCrushes on him. (BAD WONKETTE! HOBBY LOBBY. FROZEN TRUCKER. WE ARE SO SHALLOW.)

Arrogant punchy-faced pus gargoyle Ted Cruz just concluded his very long questioning of Gorsuch, and most of it was just OH SO CHUMMY and Ted Cruz saying the Federalist Society is diverse (libertarians! other kinds of wingnuts!) and Gorsuch and Cruz sharing fond memories of clerking for former SCOTUS justice (the American SCOTUS, not the Canadian SCOTUS) Byron White. It was one of those "Ted Cruz impersonates human" moments, and as such, it was unsettling. BUT! There was one fun moment, when Ted Cruz asked a snotty question about how Dumb Democrats don't even understand what "originalism" is, blah blah blah, STFU Ted Cruz, you sniveling turd.

And Gorsuch kind of smacked him down! But he did it in his gentle, well-meaning, folksy voice that we need to stop being attracted to like Gorsuch is some kind of Evil Jared Kushner. Here's the exchange:

CRUZ: Do you share the view of the Democratic attacks that originalism is somehow a quaint and outdated notion, reading the Constitution for what it says?

GORSUCH: Senator, I want to say a few things about that, and I appreciate the opportunity. The first is that sometimes, we in our discourse today, our civil discourse, use labels as a way to not engage with other people, to treat ... to divide "us and them." And as a judge, I just don't think that's a very fair or appropriate or useful way to engage in discourse.

That's right, Ted Cruz, STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH A FUCKING COCK. Or as ShareBlue's Tommy Christopher noted on Twitter, what a very nice way of telling Ted Cruz "to stop being such a partisan dick"! We bet when Gorsuch is confirmed, his grotesque opinions about how your slut pills are harming Jesus in the heart will be VERY soft-spoken and gentle, and not at all like the PURE APPLESAUCE! of Totally Dead Antonin Scalia.

After Cruz finished, Al Franken questioned Gorsuch, and while it wasn't YOOOOGELY newsworthy, can we just say it's time to draft Franken to run for president? He is good.

As we publish, Republican Senator Ben Sasse has finished his questioning, which began with Sasse making LOLs about how long the nominee can hold his pee. You know, important Senate Judiciary Committee stuff.

Use this as your open thread to talk about what a dick Ted Cruz is, how inappropriate our (VERY MINOR WE SWEAR) crush on Neil Gorsuch is, how Al Franken should be our next president, and why STOP TALKING ABOUT PEE IN THE SENATE, BEN SASSE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, GIVE PRESIDENT TRUMP A STIFFIE, ALLEGEDLY?

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[h/t Tommy Christopher on Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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