OK fine, time for a quick update on Jerry Falwell Jr. and his amazing technicolor dreamcock, though we feel this story has really petered out (ha ha!) as far as our interest is concerned.

Now that he has resigned, Liberty University has announced that it's hired a forensic investigatin' firm to look at all big Jerry's underthings, by which we mean his entire career at Liberty. But hey, when NBC News reports that it's one of the world's foremost forensic investigation firms, and our mind goes directly to those "CSI" jizz lights, can you blame us? You cannot.

Saying that it is "committed to learning the consequences that have flowed from a lack of spiritual stewardship by our former president," the school has retained "one of the leading forensic firms in the world" to conduct an investigation "into all facets of Liberty University operations during Jerry Falwell, Jr.'s tenure as President, including but not limited to financial, real estate, and legal matters," the statement said.

WEAR GLOVES, Y'ALL. Wouldn't wanna, ahem, contaminate the samples.


Falwell resigned from Liberty U last week after a week of stories from young buck Giancarlo Granda, who says he was approached about going horizontal with Jerry's wife Becki Falwell when he was but a mere poolboy aged 20 we said 20, while Jerry watched in the corner. We don't know if Jerry would play with Little Jerry the whole time, or if he was humping the vacuum cleaner or what. Granda says the couple preyed on him during their extramarital relationship, which lasted for seven years, during which time the Falwells also set Granda up with a South Beach hostel, co-owned by the Falwells' son Trey.

We half expected the next cock to flop out of this story might be about Ben Crosswhite, the hot strapping personal trainer and former Liberty student who also ended up with a sweet real estate deal from the Falwells, but we haven't heard that story yet, if there is a story to be told, not that we are saying that there is.

We did, however, hear late last week from the SECOND POOLBOY, Gordon Bello, who is now a lawyer. He said actually even Granda wasn't telling the full story of how gross the Falwells were, and that Granda should keep talking. Bello was also a co-owner in that South Beach hostel, and ended up suing the Falwells. And if you are thinking, wait, we thought Jerry got sued by some guys named Jesus (Fernandez, that is!), you are correct! Gordon Bello is the younger Jesus Fernandez's NEW NAME! His dad is now Jett Bello — they say they had to change their names directly because of the Falwell lawsuit — and anyway, Gordon Bello says he did similar nookies with Becki Falwell to the nookies Giancarlo Granda did, and good god, these Falwells do get around with young men! Allegedly!

And oh boy, do they have a type! Allegedly!

pic from Facebook, via the Daily Mail

And then there was a former Liberty student who came forward to say yes, he did sexual things with Becki Falwell back in 2008 when he was at Liberty, and ugh, Politico, just tell us:

A former Liberty University student says Becki Falwell, the wife of the university's then-President Jerry Falwell Jr., jumped into bed with him and performed oral sex on him while he stayed over at the Falwell home after a band practice with her eldest son in 2008.

The student was 22 at the time of the encounter, near the start of Liberty's fall semester. He said she initiated the act, and he went along with it. But despite his rejection of further advances, he said, Falwell continued pursuing him, offering him gifts and engaging in banter through Facebook messages.

"She was the aggressor," he said.

Politico has screengrabs of message between the two. Of course, the Falwells are denying all this and saying it is #Devil and #lies, but you read for yourself and decide:

One referenced a mutual friend who "said that she wants you to cut [your] bangs when you get your hair cut. I think that you are beautiful just like you are," Becki Falwell wrote in a message sent in September 2008. "You don't want to cover up those killer eyes of yours and you know the bandana drives me wild … 🙂"

Uh huh. There is so much more. About how, according to the former student, who was in a band with Trey Falwell, Mrs. Becki Falwell would show up late to their band practices, and wait in his bed in the room where he crashed when they drank too much during band practices. How it really got fucked up when Becki Falwell made friends with HIS MOM. How she contacted him on a secret Facebook account. How it sounds like she literally stalked him. How she sang that godawful James Blunt "You're Beautiful" song ON HIS VOICEMAIL.

How she contacted him all of a sudden for the first time in forever last week.

Ayup.

Anyway, in summary and in conclusion, Liberty U is looking under Jerry Falwell's hood and rifling around to see what they find. We do hope they take the proper precautions.

[NBC News / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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