Lindsey Graham Wants To Boycott Winter Olympics, Mitt Romney Upset Until He Remembers He Lost

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Dimwitted Foghorn Leghorn impersonator Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Fainting Couch) is most put out by this Edward Snowden fellow and the terrible treason he has perpetrated upon our great nation. And if anyone knows from perpetrating treason upon the Union, it is someone from South Carolina! Also because one bad Nazi analogy per day is not enough anymore to make us want to stick a piano wire directly through our eye into our frontal lobe and swirl it around for a while, let’s see if two can do the trick.


As we mentioned the other day much to the chagrin of some of you terrible people, Benedict Arnold Snowden is applying for temporary asylum in Russia as a first step to getting himself out of the transit zone at the Moscow airport. The Russians have said they will consider his application, which just gives Lindsey Graham a terrible case of the vapors. Luckily there is a big event coming up in Russia next year that Ham Biscuits thinks the U.S. could use as a political cudgel to bend Vladimir Putin to our will:

Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Wednesday that the United States should weigh boycotting the 2014 Winter Olympics over Russia’s conduct around the world, including the country’s handling of NSA leaker Edward Snowden. […]

“I love the Olympics, but I hate what the Russian government is doing throughout the world,” Graham told NBC News. “If they give asylum to a person who I believe has committed treason against the United States, that’s taking it to a new level.”

Somewhere Sean White, on a break from filming a Visa commercial, squinted through a haze of pot smoke in his trailer and was heard to mutter, “Dude, whaaaa…?”

Graham also pointed to the Olympics in Nazi Germany as an example of when governments need to take a stand.

“If you could go back in time, would you have allowed Adolf Hitler to host the Olympics in Germany?” Graham said, clarifying he was not saying Russia was the same as the Nazis, but that Olympic hosts need to be responsible world players.

Good clarification, Lindsey. Because for a minute we thought you were suggesting that the Russians considering an asylum application from one man is totally the same thing as a crazed national leader laying the groundwork for genocide. And that would just be stupid. Besides, didn’t someone at those Games in 1936 kick some righteous butt and show up Hitler’s racial theories about Aryan superiority or something?

Anyway, we’re sure Lindsey was also all “bring me my fainting couch” and "hooray for the Soviet boycott" in 1984 when the U.S was hosting the Summer Games in Los Angeles while also supporting Latin American rebels and paying for the aid by selling arms to Iran. But that was different because shut up, that’s why! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Now where is that piano wire?

[Politico / Esquire]

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