The 2014 midterm elections are still more than a year away, but the Republican primary races are always more crazy cut-throat fun than aRomanian princess cockfight. And South Carolina being South Carolina, it is rising again to give us all the point-and-laughs we need to get by in the heat of a boring-ass August. Yes, it's our favorite Lindsey Graham, getting primaried in grand style by some state Senator guy named Lee Bright who allllmost said the oft-vapored Graham has a gay-taint allll over him.

In an email sent out to folks he thought might care, Lee Bright holler-whispers:

Senator Lindsey Graham is not what he seems.

He has been hiding a dark secret from everyone. His friends, his family, voters in South Carolina, Republicans, and all Americans — and it’s finally time he comes out with the truth.

He is an Obama-loving liberal.

Oh. We thought you were going to say "lebanese."

And here's where it gets interesting and meta and what-the-fuckery for yr wonket. The source article here in the Charleston City Paper is fairly cool, all calling Bright a "ban-the-Fed loon, a purveyor of right-wing paranoia porn, a goofball politico shunned by some members of his own party for his utter bubba-batshattery" (utter bubba-batshattery is pretty fucking awesome). The writer calls on Bright to just get on with it now and straight up admit to calling Lindsey Graham a big old homo queen and be proud of it so we can have the nasty kind of primary that God intended. And that would be fairly awesome as well, because then we would get to hear one of Lindsey's fanta-satirical retorts about not dating Ricky Martin (who?) and the gays who would be so sad that he's sorry, but nope, not, he repeats, NOT A GAY would jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

And whatever y'all, maybe Lindsey Graham isn't a self-hating, ban-gay-immigrants, eating-up-all-the-Chik-fil-A-in-the-world hypocrite who fucks over his own kind just for a position of power? Shut up shut up, he probably is but there have not been any good gay-proving sex-vids (haha suck on that image) released yet that we know of so we can't say anything for sure-positive-no-doubt. Maybe he's just kind of smart enough not to jump into the hell-fire pit of misery and woe and begging for death's sweet release that is "being married"?

Then the Charleston City Paper says Bright is "too light in the loafers" to stand behind his smear, and we are :(

Update: The nice folks at the CCP write in to say this was a joke aimed at Dick Harpootlian -- because everything should be a joke aimed at Dick Harpootlian -- and that your Wonket unaccountably could not recognize irony when we saw it. They are correct, and we are lashing ourselves as we speak.



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